>Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you
>remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?
>
>"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second
>base!"
>
>Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base?
>
>Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended
>to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?
>
>Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual
>activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day
>and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex
>metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with
>standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases
>
>First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
>
>--First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew
>thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
>
>--Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
>outside the clothes genital contact.
>
>--Third Base- Usually, this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
>
>
>--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times
>
>when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
>
>Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex
>drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the
>equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we
>have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further
>
>ado...
>
>Standardized Guide to the Bases!
>- --On Deck- Having plans for a date
>
>- --Strike-Out- Duh!!
>
>- --Walk- Kissing
>
>- --Bunt- Masturbation
>
>- --Single- Tongue kissing
>
>- --Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
>
>- --Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
>
>- --Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
>
>- --Home Run- SEX!
>
>- --Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
>
>- --Error- Condom breaks during sex
>
>- --Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
>
>- --Hall of Fame- Marriage
>
>Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain
>all the things that can happen now a days.
>
>- --Balk- Premature ejaculation
>
>- --Pine Tar- KY jelly
>
>- --Relief pitcher- Vibrator
>
>- --Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
>
>- --Box Seats- Waterbed
>
>- --Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
>
>- --Rookie- Virgin
>
>- --Minor Leagues- Under 18
>
>- --Loaded Bases- manage a trois
>
>- --Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
>
>- --Foul tip- VD
>
>- --Three up and three down- impotency
>
>Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion
>with current clarity.
>
>OLD WAY- we um got to third base I guess and then we um got like past third
>base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
>
>NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park home
>run,
>and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
>
>NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when i balked
>during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief pitcher.
>Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and
>helps you out...