There was this couple that was married for 20
> years, and every time
> >they had sex the husband always insisted on
> shutting off the lights.
> >
> >Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid.
> She figured she
> >would break him out of the crazy habit.
> >
> >So one night, while they were in the middle of
> having sex, she turned
> >on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband
> was holding a
> >cucumber.
> >
> >She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard,"
> she screamed
> >at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these
> years. You better
> >explain yourself!"
> >
> >The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
> says, calmly,
> >"I'll explain the cucumber if you can explain our
> three kids."
Ø >
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it
> > >started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut
off the
> end,
> > put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
> > >
> > > Lady 1: What's that?
> > >
> > >
> > > Lady 2: A condom.
> > >
> > >
> > > Lady 1: Where'd you get it?
> > >
> > >
> > > Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
> > >
> > >
> > >The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and
announced
> to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms. The
guy
> looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s),
but politely
> asked what brand she preferred.
> > >
> > > "Doesn't matter," she replied,"as long as
it fits a Camel."
> > >
> > > The druggist fainted.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me
miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very
energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 34 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic
> woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he
> walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
>
> The second Catholic woman chimes in, "My son is a
> bishop.Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him
> 'Your Grace.'"
>
> This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal.
> Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"
>
> Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence,
> the first three women give her this subtle, "Well...?"
>
> To which she smugly replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2",
> hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people
> say, 'Oh my God....'"
Lincoln and Kennedy
> > >> > >> > Have
a history teacher explain this...(if they can...) And read the whole thing!
> > >> > >> >
> > >> > >> > > Abraham
Lincoln was elected to Congress in
> > >> > >> > > 1846.
> > >> > >> > > John F
Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Abraham
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
> > >> > >> > > John F.
Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > The names
Lincoln and Kennedy each contain
> > >> > >> > > seven
letters.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Both were
particularly concerned with civil
> > >> > >> > > rights.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Both wives
lost their children while living in
> > >> > >> > > the White
House.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Both
Presidents were shot on a Friday.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Both
Presidents were shot in the head.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Lincoln was
assassinated in 1863
> > >> > >> > > Kennedy was
assassinated in 1963
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Lincoln's
secretary was named Kennedy.
> > >> > >> > > Kennedy's
secretary was named Lincoln.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Both were
assassinated by Southerners.
> > >> > >> > > Both were
succeeded by Southerners.
> > >> > >> > > Both
successors were named Johnson.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Andrew Johnson,
who succeeded Lincoln, was born
> > >> > >> > > in 1808.
> > >> > >> > > Lyndon
Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born
> > >> > >> > > in 1908.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > John Wilkes
Booth, who assassinated Lincoln,
> > >> > >> > > was born in
1839.
> > >> > >> > > Lee Harvey
Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy,
> > >> > >> > > was born in
1939.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Both
assassins were known by their three names.
> > >> > >> > > Both names
are composed of fifteen letters.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Booth ran
from the theater and was caught in a
> > >> > >> > > warehouse.
> > >> > >> > > Oswald ran
from a warehouse and was caught in a
> > >> > >> > > theater.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > Booth and
Oswald were assassinated before their
> > >> > >> > > trials.
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > And here's
the kicker...
> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > A week
before Lincoln was shot, he was in
> > >> > >> > > Monroe,
Maryland.
> > >> > >> > > A week
before Kennedy was shot, he was in
> > >> > >> > > Marilyn
Monroe