A priest said in church that every emotion felt by humans was covered in
 >
the bible. A woman asked the priest, "So.. what about PMS?" The priest
 >
looked and looked for a verse that related to PMS and finally found one:

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

During a recent family outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a
 > > > > >fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
 > > > > >peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
 > > > > >"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
 > > > > >yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
 > > > > >horrible death this year."
 >
 > > > > >
 > > > > >Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then
 > > > > >at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took
 > > > > >a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
 > > > > >She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked
 > > > > >her question.
 >
 > > > > >
 > > > > >"Will I be acquitted?"

Ø "The Not-So-Dumb Blonde
> > >
> > >A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from
Los Angeles to New York.
> > >
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde,
tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars,
and vice versa."

Ø Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's
> attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
> > >
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"
> > >
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
$5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
> > >
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
> > >
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?"
> > >
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no
avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and
hands her $500.
> > >
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and
asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas,
to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original
person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured
by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, about
the same as usual, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.
Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes,
what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took
me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue)? with a hint of pork.
Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse
chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty,
good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using
shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by
pouring beer directly on it asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive are
now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames> No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as
if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a
grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one
eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO:
This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: ---------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Chinese Proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house. . .should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget

These do make one wonder!

Ø If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it
 > become kitty litter?
 >
 > If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
 >
 > If you take an Asian person and spin him around
 > several times, does he
 > become disoriented?
 >
 > Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
 >
 > What do chickens think we taste like?
 >
 > What do people in China call their good plates?
 >
 > What do you call a male ladybug?
 >
 > What hair color do they put on the driver's license
 > of a bald man?
 >
 > When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
 > it?
 >
 > Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
 >
 > Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
 > injections?
 >
 > Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 >
 > Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
 > them?
 >
 > Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor
 > when you can't drink
 > and drive?
 >
 > Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
 >
 > Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
 >
 > Why are there flotation devices in the seats of
 > planes instead of
 > parachutes?
 >
 > Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where
 > smoking is prohibited?
 >
 > How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to
 > work?
 >
 > If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
 > why does it have locks
 > on the door?
 >
 > Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
 >
 > You know that indestructible black box that is used
 > on airplanes? Why
 > don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
 >
 > If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter
 > fights crime, what does a
 > freedom fighter fight?
 >
 > If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they
 > get baby oil?
 >
 > If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
 >
 > If you are driving at the speed of light and you
 > turn your headlights on,
 > what happens?
 >
 > Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a
 > drive-up ATM?
 >
 > Why is it that when you transport something by car
 > it is called shipment,
 > but when you transport something by ship it's called
 > cargo?
 >
 > Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
 >
 > What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an
 > airplane?
 >
 > Why are they called apartments when they are all
 > stuck together?
 >
 > If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
 > opposite of progress?
 >
 > If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport
 > the terminal?

Ø Mitch and Mary had only been married for two weeks. Mitch, although
> very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with
> his old buddies.
>
> So he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where
> are you going coochy cooh...?" asked Mary "I'm going to the bar,
> pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
>
> Mary says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door
> to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands
> from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
>
> Mitch doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think
> of saying is, "Yes, loolie ... but the bar....you know... the
> frozen glass..."
>
> He didn't get to finish the sentence, When Mary interrupts him by
> saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer
> mug out of the freezer, so frozen that the she was getting chills
> holding it.
>
> Mitch, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
> they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
> be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
>
> "You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes
> out 15 dishes of different hors'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a
> blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
>
> "But sweet honey, at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty
> words and all that..."
>
> "You want dirty words my cutie pie?...
>
> "HERE!! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR
> FUCKING HORS D' OEUVRES, CAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, ASSHOLE!!"
***********************************************************************************************************

> >
> >The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
> >checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three
> >finalists......two men and a woman.
> >
> >For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
> >door and handed him a gun.
> >
> >"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
> >circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
> >
> >chair. Kill Her!!!"
> >
> >The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
> >agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
> >
> >The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
> >
> >into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came
> >out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
> >
> >The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
> >home."
> >
> >Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
> >kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
> >
> >Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
> >crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
> >opened slowly and there stood the woman.
> >
> >She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with
> >blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Ø >MALE & FEMALE INTERPRETATIONS
 > >
 > >THINGY (thing-ee)
 > >female: Any part under a car's hood.
 > >male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
 > >
 > >VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel)
 > >female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
 > another.
 > >male: Playing ball without a cup.
 > >
 > >COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
 > >female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
 > with one's partner.
 > >male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking
 > off for a weekend
 > >with the guys.
 > >
 > >BUTT (but)
 > >female: The body part that every item of clothing
 > manufactured makes
 > >"look bigger."
 > >male: The organ of mooning and farting.
 > >
 > >COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
 > >female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
 > >male: Not trying to pick up other women while out
 > with one's
 > >girlfriend.
 > >
 > >REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)
 > >female: A device for changing from one TV channel
 > to another.
 > >male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels
 > every 2 minutes.
 > >
 > >TASTE (tayst)
 > >female: Something you do frequently to whatever
 > you're cooking, to make
 > >sure it's good.
 > >male: Something you must do to anything you think
 > has gone bad, prior
 > >to
 > >tossing it out.

"A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord
grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above
his
head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because
you
have TRIED to be faithful to Me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge
to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the
Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can
do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire
for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
of another wish, a wish you think would honor and
glorify Me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally
he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women.
I want to know how they feel inside, what they are
thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why
they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing',
and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few
minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on
that bridge?"

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The
> first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo,"  The other guy
> asks, "what's the Rodeo position, and how do you to do it?" The first
> guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do
> it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really
> enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes
> this position too' and then you try to hang on for 8 seconds."

How To Shower Like a Woman:
 >
 >Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks. Walk to
bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way,
cover exposed flesh and
rush to the bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out
gut so you can complain
and whine even more about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth,
armcloth, legcloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and
Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural
crocus oil. Leave on
hair for fifteen minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
ten minutes until red and raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse
conditioner out of hair
(this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come
out).
 >Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
waxed instead. Scream
loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn
off shower. Squeegee all wet
surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry
with towel the size of a small
African Country Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire
body for remotest sign of a
zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing long
dressing gown
 >and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed
areas, then rush to bedroom
to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
 >
 >
 >How To Shower Like A Man
 >
 >
 >Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If
you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo" sound.
Look at manly physique
in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have
 >pecs (no). Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates" and
smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one).
Wash face, then armpits.
Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower.
 >Wash privates and surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap
bar. Shampoo hair (do not
use conditioner).
 >Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in
the mirror. Pee (in the
shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on floor
because you left curtain
hanging out of tub the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at self in the
mirror, flex muscles. Admire
wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor. Leave
bathroom fan and light on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off
the towel, grab your
wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on
the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,
 >>doing nothing.
 >>
 >>One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you
 >>still get horny?"
 >>
 >>The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
 >>
 >>The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
 >>
 >>The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
 >>
 >>After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who
 >>drives you to the beach?"

Subject: oil shortage
 >
 > There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we
 > ran out of oil here in the USA.
 >
 > Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody
 > bothered to check the oil. They didn't know we were
 > getting low. And of course the reason for that
 > is geographical. All the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma,
 > and all the dipsticks are in Washington, DC

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was
waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt with
matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became
her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first stop on the bus. Slightly
embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her
and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only
to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once
again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a
second time attempted the step and once again, much to her amazement she
could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little
smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a
little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time
the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the
waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went
ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you
touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my
fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
 > particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed and
 > said, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting 15 minutes!"
 >
 > The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
 > incompetence!"
 >
 > The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word
 > with him. Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
 > rather slow, aren't they?"

<< A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted
two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl
asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and
stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in
our garden." >>

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Subject: My mother....

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -- "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you 'look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you
listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents
like you do!"

Subject: Bad and Worse

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up. We have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?
Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once.

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

Ø The Rules of Bedroom Golf
>
> 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
> club and two balls.
>
> 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
>
> 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
> keep the balls out of the hole.
>
> 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
> owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
>
> 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
> damage to the hole.
>
> 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
> until  the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to
> do  so  may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
>
> 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
> upon  arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
> to  admire the entire course, with special attention to the hills.
>
> 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses that they have
> played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being
> played.  Upset courses owners have been known to damage a
player's equipment for this reason.
>
> 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
> protection.
>
> 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been
> properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
> first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they
> discover someone else playing on what they consider a private course.
>
> 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
> times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
> temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
> situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play
> when this is the case.
>
> 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
> attempting to play the back nine.
>
> 13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
> proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
> owner's request.
>
> 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
> the same hole several times in one match

Subject: It'll cost you

 > Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped
some
 > cards on the floor.
 >
 > When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that
Bill's
 > wife, legs spread wide, was not wearing any underwear!
 >
 > Shocked by this, John...upon trying to sit up again...hit his head on
the
 > table and emerged red-faced.
 >
 > Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
 > followed him and asked... "Did you see anything that you liked under
there?"
 > Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, yes
he
did.
 > She said..."You can have it, but it will cost you $500."
 >
 > After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs
of
this
 > offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.
 >
 > She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons
and
John
 > doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00PM Friday
afternoon.
 >
 > When Friday rolls around, John shows up at Bill's house for the
planned
 > tryst with his wife at 2:00PM sharp...and after paying her the agreed
upon
 > $500.00, they go to her bedroom and close their sexual transaction as
Sue had promised.
 >
 > Afterwards, John quickly dresses and leaves.
 >
 > As was his habit, at 6:00PM, Bill returned home from work. Upon
entering
the
 > House and encountering his wife he asks abruptly... "Did John come by
the
 > house this afternoon?"
 >
 > With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answers... "Why yes, he did
stop
by
 > here for a few minutes this afternoon."
 >
 > Her heart nearly skips a beat when her husband curtly asks... "And
did he
 > give you $500.00?"
 >
 > In terror she assumes she's somehow been found out, and after
mustering
up
 > her best poker face she replies..."Well, yes...in fact he did give me
five
 > hundred dollars."
 >
 > Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprises his wife by
saying...
 >
 > "Good, I was hoping so. John came by my office this morning and
borrowed
 > five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house
this
 > afternoon on his way home and pay me back

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was
 missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

 Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" 

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on  it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a  great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth,  "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great  opportunity and wealth while
southern Europe is going  to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a
hot  spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white  people and over
there is a continent of black  people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This  one will be extremely
hot and arid while this one will  be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed  to a large land
mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Michigan, the most glorious  place on earth. There
are beautiful lakes, rivers,  sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Michigan 
are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and  they are going to be
found traveling the world. They  will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and 
high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the  world as diplomats
and carriers of peace." 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then  proclaimed, "what about
balance, God? You said there  would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm  putting next to them in
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and Wisconsin"

Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always
so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Robert replied,
"That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him
every morning. "That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem
that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:

Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue.. I love waking up and making love to
you!"

Tyrone amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental an'
sh@t...." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the
rest
of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed
up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the
works.

Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice, that's
all. I just told her a poem...."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?"

Tyrone told him:

"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog..
If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"

20. How to Land A Plane at Martha's Vineyard - by JFK, Jr.

19. How to Please Women - by John Bobbit

18. My Plan to Find The Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson

17. The Engineers' Guide to Fashion

16. To All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres

15. Human Rights Advances in China

14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman

13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore

12. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

11. America's Most Popular Lawyers

10. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

9. Different Ways to Spell Bob

8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

7. Everything Men Know About Women

6. Everything Women Know About Men

5. French Hospitality

4. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

3. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

2. The Amish Phone Directory

And the Number one World's Shortest book:...

The Book of Virtues by Bill Clinton

A Drug Store Diagnosis.............
 >
 > One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I think
 > I should go see the Doctor.
 >
 > His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that. There's a new computer at
the
 > drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than the doctor.
 > Simply put in a sample of urine and the computer will diagnose the problem
and
 > tell you what to do for S10.00."
 >
 > Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with his pee,
 > went to the drug store where he found the computer and deposited his
 > sample and the $10.00. The computer started making a few noises and
 > some lights started to flash. After a brief pause, out popped a small
 > piece of paper which read:
 > YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN
HOUR.
 > AVOID HEAVY LABOR. YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.
 >
 > That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was
 > and how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder
if
 > the computer could be fooled. He decided to try. He mixed together some
tap
 > water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples
 > from
 > his wife and daughter, and, at the last minute, masturbated into the
 > concoction.
 >
 > He went back to the store, deposited the sample and paid his money.
After
 > the
 > noises and lights out popped a piece of paper which read:
 >
 > YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTENER.
 >
 > THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE FAULTY, GET IT TO A GARAGE.
 >
 > YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET.
 >
 > YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB.
 >
 > YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER.
 >
 > AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, THAT ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

>>>Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and
 >>>hearing this...
 >>>
 >>>Maybe you Chicago folks did hear this. On the WBAM FM morning show in
 >>>Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The
 >>>game
 >>>is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they
are
 >>>married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
 >>>yes",
 >>>he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
 >>>person
 >>>is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number)
 >>>for
 >>>verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
 >>>correctly,
 >>>they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months
 >>>ago
 >>>made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is
 >>>possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all
 >>>went
 >>>down.
 >>>DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"
 >>>
 >>>Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida
if
 >>>you win. What is your name? First only please."
 >>>
 >>>Contestant: "Brian."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "Yes."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "Sara."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
 >>>
 >>>Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "About 10 minutes."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
 >>>that
 >>>if a trip wasn't at stake."
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
 >>>morning?"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
 >>>for a
 >>>couple of weeks..."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Uh huh..."
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "On the kitchen table."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
 >>>times
 >>>I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work
 >>>number and call her up. You listen to this."
 >>>(3 minutes of commercials follow.)
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
 >>>(touch tones.....ringing....)
 >>>
 >>>Clerk: "Kinkos."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
 >>>
 >>>Clerk: "This is she."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now
and
 >>>I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
 >>>give
 >>>any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
 >>>'Matematch'?"
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: "No."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Good!"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: (laughing)
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
 >>>
 >>>Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely
 >>>honest."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
 >>>your
 >>>answers match Brian's answers, then the both of
 >>>you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea
 >>>World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "What time?"
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
 >>>manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
 >>>from
 >>>a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Where did you have it?"
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "She saw?"
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer,
 >>>please?"
 >>>
 >>>Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
 >>>
 >>>Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
 >>>
 >>>Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
 >>>
 >>>(long, long pause)
 >>>
 >>>DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

Italian, Frenchmen and Redneck...

The Italian says, "Whena I've finished a makin a love with my girlfriend, I
go downa
and gently tickle the backa her knees witha my tongue, anda she floats a 6
inches
abovea da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah've finished making ze love
with ze
girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of
her feet
wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "Dat's nothin' buddy. When I've finished doin it to my
ole lady, I
git out of bed, walks over to the winder and wipes my pecker on da
curtains. She
hits the freakin ceilin'!"

Can you figure this one out???!!!

    Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the
    forest when they come across a lake.

    The water was enticing and Snow White decides to
    take a bath.  So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she
    is taking a bath in the lake.

   The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to
    take a bath too. Snow White relents and says "When I get into
    the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

    Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump
    into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by
    a frog who jumps into the water before she can.

   The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn
   around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

   Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV
   ad, what product is being advertised?

   Come on now, this should be easy for a person of
    your mental powers.


   If you can't figure it out just scroll down for the answer.




    "SEVEN UP"