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>>A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
>>leaving together. They get back to her place, and she shows him around her
>>apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy
>>bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
>>medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf
>>along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a
>>collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he
>>decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are
>>lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
>>"Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom
>>shelf."

Is this what men really want?

>
>
>>What a difference 50 years can make! This is Hilarious! The following is
>>from actual 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School
>>girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.
>>
>> 1. HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
>> delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
>> have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men
>> are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part
>> of the warm welcome needed.
>>
>> 2.PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
>> when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be
>> fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a
>> little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
>>
>> 3.CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER: Make one last trip through the main part of the
>> house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
>> paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will
>> feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift
>too.
>>
>> 4.PREPARE THE CHILDREN. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands
>> and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change
>> their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them
>> playing the
>>part.
>>
>> 5.MINIMIZE THE NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of
>> washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be
>> quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and kiss, letting him know you're
>> glad to see him.
>>
>> 6.Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
>> complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what
>> he might have gone through that day.
>>
>> 7.MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
>> suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
>> him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low,
>> soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
>>
>> 8.LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment
>> of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
>>
>> 9.MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to
>> dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his
>> world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
>>
>> 10.THE GOAL: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your
>> husband can relax.
>> > >> > > >
>> > >> > > >
>> ************************************************************
>>
>> WELCOME TO 2000!
>>
>>
>> 1.HAVE DINNER READY: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
>> becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where
>> you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day
>> has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
>
>> 2.PREPARE YOURSELF: Make sure to change out of your work clothes into
>> something comfortable. Who cares if he likes it or not ...after all,
>> it's most likely he is in t-shirt and boxers.
>>
>> 3.CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER: Yeah right! Tell the kids and your husband if
>> they want maid service, they better call one!
>>
>> 4.PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Send the children to their rooms to watch
>> television or play Nintendo.
>>
>> 5.MINIMIZE THE NOISE: Yell to him over the loud music your kids are
>> playing, that this is what you had to put up with while he was gone. And
>> mention that it was his decision to buy the kids a new CD player in the
>> first place.
>>
>> 6.SOME Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
>> speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain
>> fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for
>> dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you
>> left the dishes for him to do.
>>
>> 7.MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's
>> cold. This will really show you care.
>>
>> 8.LISTEN TO HIM: But don't ever let him get the last word.
>>
>> 9.MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to
>> dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping
>> (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
>>
>> 10.THE GOAL: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he
>> only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it
>> revolves around you.

> DICTIONARY OF DATING
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> ATTRACTION
> The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
>
> LOVE AT 1st SIGHT
> what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely
> choosy people meet
>
> DATING
> the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time,
> and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom
> you don't especially like in the present and will learn
> to like a lot less in the future.
>
> BIRTH CONTROL
> avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
> special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom,
> and dating repulsive men.
>
> EASY
> a term used by men to describe a woman who has the
> sexual morals of a man.
>
> EYE CONTACT
> a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a
> man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised
> to do so, many men have diffi culty looking a woman
> directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness,
> but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not
> located in her chest.
>
> FRIEND
> a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who
> has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally
> unappealing.
>
> INDIFFERENCE
> a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
> by the man as "playing hard to get"
>
> INTERESTING
> a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do
> all the talking.
>
> IRRITATING HABIT
> what the endearing little qualities that initially
> attract two people to each other turn into after a
> few months together.
>
> LAW OF RELATIVITY
> how attractive a given person appears to be is directly
> proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
>
> NYMPHOMANIAC
> a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
> often than he does.
>
> ROMANCE
> temporary loss of critical faculties.
>
> SOBER
> condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Severely Burned
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the
only skin on his body the doctor felt was suitable would have to
come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her
youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you
for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay
you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the
thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

>George loved the race track. One day he was there betting on the
>ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who
>stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the
>horses lining up for the 4th race.
>
>Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. George
>was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure
>enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race
>horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of
the
>horses.
>
>George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the
>horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had
>blessed won the race. George collected his winnings and anxiously
>waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the
>6th race. The priest showed up, blessed a horse, George bet on it,
>and won! George was elated.
>
>As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses,
>and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious
>money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to
>come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny
>he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which
>horse to place the bet on.
>
>True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
>last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of
>the horses. George placed his bet - every cent he owned - and watched
>the horse come in dead last.
>
>George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he
>found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you
>blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he
>loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"
>
>The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
>Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple
blessing
>and the Last Rites!"
>

**Conversation over dinner**
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.

<< DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither do any dishes.
7. Both fart shamelessly.
8. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
9. Both like dominance games.
10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
11. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw).
[Men just laugh lovingly at how adorable you look when you throw
as long as it's not a shoe.]
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but
there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you
without going to jail).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what
you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by
piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the
crotch is
most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility.
(As soon as you are dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

> > The Poem
> >
> > At times it is silent, at times it is not
> > at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!
> > When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
> > it hides and it waits till you're out and about!
> > The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
> > then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
> > I know it's a function we can't live without,
> > but on a first date must they really come out??
> > Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
> > women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
> > I can't figure why after eating good food
> > the smell that results could kill many a dude!
> > So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
> > you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!

20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN (by DAVE BARRY)

1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

2. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual is
crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear
and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you
can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
That time is age 11.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve,
its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person.

18. Your friends still love you, anyway.

19. If you think the universe is big, you should see the source
code!

20. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use,
as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle

> If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do
> not
> open it!!
> Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
> It will not only erase everything on your hard drive; it will also
> delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
> It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms
> your
> ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace
> field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
>
> It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your
> ice
> cream melts and your milk curdles.
> It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's
> number.
> This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all
> your beer. (For God's sake men are you listening?!?!)
>
> It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
> company.
> It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all
> while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing
> their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
>
> It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is
> only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files,
> changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating
> undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of
> key
> sentences.
>
> If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it
> will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
> dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the
> forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows; it will also refill
> your skim milk with whole milk.
>
> **WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**
>
> And, in case you are a blonde, this IS a joke.

The CITY OF DETROIT
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME____________________
GANG NAME______________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He
usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13
rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by
shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8
ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85
per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his
hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per
trick, how many tricks per day must each hoe turn to
support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he
bought for 40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces
will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for
stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals
1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more
Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6. Raul got 6 years for murder. He also got
$10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends
$100 per month, how much money will be left when he
gets out? Extra credit bonus: how much more time will
he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22
square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet,
how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce
cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There
are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact
percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a
Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a
cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a
lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one
week's income?

10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates
away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes
Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will
Billy be when he gets whacked?

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the road at the same time.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back "BITCH!" They continue on their way.
As the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen...