Subject: Darwin - Criminals
 
 
 
  The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards - Criminal Category
have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon that
individual, who through isolation by incarceration, has done the most to
remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
     
     
  RUNNER-UP #7: Colorado Springs -- A guy walked into a little corner store
with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.  After the
cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that  he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it  in the
bag as well, but the cashier refused, saying, "I don't believe you  are over
21 ... let me see some identification." The robber took his driver's license
out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The  clerk looked it over, and
agreed that the man was, in fact, over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called
the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
     
  RUNNER-UP #6: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that
there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone
and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the  newspaper and
wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
     
  RUNNER-UP #5: San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of 
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup ... put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.  After waiting a few minutes
in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the
harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and left. The Wells Fargo teller then
called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting
in line back at Bank of America.
     
  RUNNER-UP #4: Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in
March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who
happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over
so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of  cocaine in the
pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose
himself.
     
  RUNNER-UP #3: Oklahoma City -- Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed
robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his  lawyer.
Assistant District Attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job
of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the
robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should
of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly
added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to
convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
     
  RUNNER-UP #2: Detroit -- R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers
who were showing their squad car computer felon-location  equipment to
children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver's license,
they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan
because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a
two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
     
  RUNNER-UP #1: Another from Detroit -- A pair of Michigan robbers entered a
record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
     
  THE WINNER: A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very
expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things.  Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made
even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against
the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in
a series of small fires." The insurance company
 refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the
cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued...and won.. In delivering the
ruling, the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless
that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against
fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal
process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000
for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check,
however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own
insurance claim and  testimony from the previous case being used against him,
the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Conversation over dinner:

MAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?

WOMAN: Definitely not!

MAN: Why not -- don't you like being married?

WOMAN: Of course I do.

MAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

WOMAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

MAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on his
face)

WOMAN: (makes audible groan)

MAN: Would you sleep with him in our bed?

WOMAN: Where else would we sleep?

MAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace
them with pictures of him?

WOMAN: That would seem like the proper
thing to do.

MAN: And would you let him use my golf
clubs?

WOMAN: He can't use them; He's left-handed.

MAN: - - - silence - - -

WOMAN: Shit.

> MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
 > > >
 > > > GENERAL:
 > > > 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
 > > > 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
 > > > 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
 > > > 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
 > > > 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
 > > > rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
 > > >
 > > > DINING OUT:
 > > > 1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup
 > > > and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
 > > > 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
 > > >
 > > > ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
 > > > 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
 > > > taxidermist.
 > > > 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
 > > manners are.
 > > >
 > > > PERSONAL HYGIENE:
 > > > 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be  done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
 > > > 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
 > > > 3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
 > > > 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
 > > >
 > > > DATING (Outside the Family):
 > > > 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
 > > > 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
 > > > out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
 > > > 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
 > > > 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the
 > > > man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
 > > >
 > > > THEATER ETIQUETTE:
 > > > 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
 > > > after the movie has ended.
 > > > 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
 > > they can't hear you.
 > > >
 > > > WEDDINGS:
 > > > 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
 > > > 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
 > > > 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
 > > > 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
 > > > occasion.
 > > >
 > > > DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
 > > > 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
 > loaded and the deer is in sight.
 > > > 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
 > > > 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
 > > > 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
 > to ask her to bring back beer too.
 > > > 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

> > When you are sad,.............I will get you drunk and help you plot
 > > revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

 > > When you are scared,......... I will laugh at you and tease you about
 >it every chance I get.
 >
 > When you are worried,.........I will tell you how much worse it could be
 > > and to quit complaining.

 > > When you are confused,........I will use little words to explain it to
 > > your dumb ass.

 > > When you are sick.........I will hold your hair while you pay homage to
 > > the porcelain god.

 > > When you fall......I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

 > > This is my oath...............I pledge till the end.

 > > Why you may ask?..............Because you're my friend.

New Element Discovered
 >> >>>
 >> >>>Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the
 >> >>>heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has
 >> >>>been tentatively named Administratium (Ad). The new element has no
 >> >>>protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does,
 >> >>>however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons,
 >> >>>and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312.
 >> >>>
 >> >>>These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which
 >> >>>are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
 >> >>>peons.
 >> >>>
 >> >>>Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can
 >> >>>be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into
 >> >>>contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
 >> >>>Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete
 >> >>>when it would normally take less than a second.
 >> >>>
 >> >>>Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years;
 >> >>>it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
 >> >>>portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice
 >> >>>neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass
 >> >>>will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some
 >> >>>of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This
 >> >>>characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate
 >> >>>that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
 >> >>>concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the
 >> >>>"Critical Morass". You'll know it when you see it.

Check out these funny shots:  http://web.utk.edu/~wconner/funnyshots.html