As of 5

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a
car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due
to the wife's neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath
suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter
how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great
golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven.
It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man
asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you
like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran
muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

For Christmas this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my high school softball
team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny
waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair,
dancing eyes, a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!)

Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing
next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today.
(Very Inspiring.) Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door.
Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air...then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile
made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
> the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
> I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on
top of a Geo in the club lot.

Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in HELL would anyone invent
a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?)
Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.

Thursday:
> Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
> as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
> (I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me
> to tie my damn shoes.)

> Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
> looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me,
> then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine... which I sank.
>
> Friday:
> I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated
> any other human being in the history of the world.
> (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be).
> If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
> I would beat her with it.
> Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
> And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me f#!@%^&*g barbells
> or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
> (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
> graduated magna cum laude from.... you Nazi Bitch.)
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher.
> Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or
> the choir director?
>
> Saturday:
> Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
> shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
> her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
> However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and
> ended up watching eleven straight hours of the SOB
> weather channel.
>
> Sunday:
> I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can
> go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that
> next year my wife (the WITCH) will choose a gift for me that
> is fun...like a root canal or a vasectomy.

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day
with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named
Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was
conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named
Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father
and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon
landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell
me, Torn Condom, .....why are you so curious?"

One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad
news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news
first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is
called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and
have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is
called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to
reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be
very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to
me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be
able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Noel's wife kept nagging him for a second honeymoon to celebrate their
twenty-fifth
anniversary.
"All right, all right," said Noel, giving in. "We'll go to the same hotel.
We'll stay in the same
suite. But this time, I'm the one who's going to clench the bedsheet and
scream, 'It's too
big! It's too big!' "

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th
birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that
because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would
give the couple one wish each.
> >
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her
wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
> >
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said
shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me".
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar
counterwith a great big smile on his face Dave says "John what are you
so happy for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin'
my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to
here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your
boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'
She couldnt swim, Dave, she couldnt swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of
the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says
"What are you so happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell
ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a
BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to
here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in
my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last
one.I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldnt
swim!!, Dave, she couldnt swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there
cryin over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave,
I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my
boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out
to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does.
She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in
my boat. "So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the
last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its
either screw or swim!!'. She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!!
She had a great BIG dick!!!

And Dave, I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they
had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet a gentleman, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and in the end she gave up the beans.

Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight. "He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her
ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she
assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
>   the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was
>   no heaven.
>
>   After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word
>   he made contact.
>
>   "Mary... Mary.... "
>
>   "Is that you Fred?"
>
>   "Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
>
>   "What is it like?"
>
>   "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have
>   sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then
>   sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night,
>   sleep then start all over again."
>
>   "Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
>
>   "Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Subject: SEX AT 90
> >> > > >
> >> > > > Two 90 year olds had been dating for sometime,
> >> > > > when the man told the
> >> > > > woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't
> >> > > > you agree?" She did
> >> > > > agree.
> >> > > > And so they did. Afterward, as they were
> >> > > > laying in bed, the man thinks
> >> > > >
> >> > > > to himself, "My god, if I had known that she
> >> > > > was a virgin, I would
> >> > > > have
> >> > > > been much more gentle with her!" Meanwhile,
> >> > > > the woman was thinking to
> >> > > > herself, "My God, if I had known that the old
> >> > > > geezer could really get
> >> > > > it
> >> > > > up,
> >> > > > I would have taken off my pantyhose!"