A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of
arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife
gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When
she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word,  Bob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel that
 you have on."

 After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
 and stands naked
 in front of Bob. He admires her for a few seconds, then
 hands her $500 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the
bathroom, her husband calls from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replied.
"Great," the husband says.

"Did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?

The jumbo jet's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
 attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
 He came swishing down the aisle and said to a woman seated near
 him,"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing
 this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up
 your trays that would be super!!"

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a foreign woman sitting
in her seat apparently hadn't heard him and hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, ma'am. I
asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
 ground!!!"
 She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am NOT called
 "ma'am", I am called a Princess. And, furthermore, I take orders from no one."
 

The attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm
called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch!!!"

> Languages for "I love you" (for the well traveled man)
 > >
 > > English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
 > > Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
 > > French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
 > > German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
 > > Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
 > > Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
 > > Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
 > > Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar Dig
 > >
 > > Alabama, Arkansas, North
 > > Carolina, South Carolina, Montana,
 > > Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia,
 > > Virginia, Kentucky and Idaho. . . . . . . . . . . . .
 > > . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
 > > . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice Tits!

A father picked up his 9-year-old daughter after school to take her
 home. On the way, they were stopped at a traffic light. The little girl
 looked out the window and saw two dogs male and female doing what dogs do.
 "Daddy," she asked, "what are those dogs doing?" Not wanting to get into a
 discussion about the facts of life with his daughter at her tender age, and
 in a hurry to get through traffic to go home, her father replied, "Well,
 honey, the little dog on top must have hurt his feet on the hot cement, so
 the doggie underneath is just helping out by giving him a ride home. Okay?"

The little girl glanced back at the dogs, sighed, and said, "Isn't that just
 the way it always is. You try to help someone out, and they fuck you in the
ass."

"Big People Words"

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted
on no baby talk. "You need to use big people words" she'd always remind them.

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my
Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!!"
She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo"
he said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!!"

She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied.
That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie
thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said,
"Winnie the Shit."

LOVE THY HUSBAND
>  > >
>  > > A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's
>  > office.   After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his
>  > office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe
>  > disease, combined with horrible
>  > stress.
>  > >
>  > >If you don't do the following, your husband will
>  > surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make
>  > sure he is in a good mood.  For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to
>  > >work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
>  > >
>  >  Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his
>  > >stress.  Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only
>  > make his stress worse.  Try to relax your husband in the evening by
>  > wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch
>  > some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly,
>  > make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every
>  > >whim. 

> >If you can do this for the next 10 months to a
>   year, I think your husband will regain his health.
>  >
>  >On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
>  > >
>  > >"You're going to die," she replied.