Howard
had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense
of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd
hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him -
"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor
to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the
last. And, you're single. So just let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to
reality,
"Howard, you're a Veterinarian...." >
GOMER W. BUSH FEATURE JOKE:
>G.W.Bush was very
depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he
>>calls his good
friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need
>>to do is to surround
yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
>>
>>She calls Tony Blair
in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't
>>your sister and it
isn't your brother. Who is it?"
>>
>>Tony Blair replies,
"It's me!"
>>
>>So G.W. calls Dick
Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't
>>your sister and it
isn't your brother. Who is it?"
>>
>>And Cheney says,
"Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
>>
>>So Cheney calls
Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It
>>isn't your sister
and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
>>
>>And Colin Powell
says, "It's me!"
>>
>>So Cheney calls Bush
and says, "It's Colin Powell."
>>
>>And Bush says,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
GOMER W. BUSH FEATURE JOKE:
George
Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.
>
> After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
>
> could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the
>
> President had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his
>
> wife,Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said," when
I am
>
> President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
>
> Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House,
>
> she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of
>
> the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a
>
> gold urinal.
>
> That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary
>
> turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who urinated in your
>
> saxophone."
>***************************************************************************
>*******
> GOMER W. BUSH FEATURE
JOKE:
>
> > Subject: Black Box
>
> >
>
> > The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
>covertly
funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years,
>whereby
the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive
>pick-up
trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
>circumstances
in the last 15 seconds
>
> before the crash.
>
> >
>
> > They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of
>drivers
in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
>
> >
>
> > Only the states of Alabama, Arkansas and Texas were different, where
>89.3
percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
>
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a
>>
> > pet for his birthday.
>>
> > > > After looking around, she found that all the
>>
> > pets were very
>>
> > > > expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy
>>
> > a pet, but she didn't
>>
> > > > want to spend a fortune. "Well", said the clerk,
>>
> > "I have a very large
>>
> > > > bullfrog. They say it's been trained to do
>>
> > blowjobs!"
>>
> > > >
>>
> > > > "Blowjobs!", the woman replied.
>>
> > > >
>>
> > > > "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them
>>
> > this month", he said.
>>
> > The
>>
> > > >
>>
> > > > woman thought it would be a great gag gift and
>>
> > what if it's true...no
>>
> > more
>>
> > > >
>>
> > > > blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
>>
> > > >
>>
> > > > When she explained froggy's ability to her
>>
> > husband, he was extremely
>>
> > > > skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to
>>
> > bed happy, thinking
>>
> > > > she may never need to perform this less than
>>
> > riveting act again. In
>>
> > > > the middle of the night, she was awakened by the
>>
> > noise of pots and
>>
> > > > pans flying everywhere, making hellacious
>>
> > banging and crashing
>>
> > > > sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only
>>
> > to find her husband
>>
> > > > and the Frog reading cookbooks.
>>
> > > >
>>
> > > > "What are you two doing at this hour?," she
>>
> > asked. The husband
>>
> > > > replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your
>>
> > ass is outta here."
>
>***********************************************************************
>
> A survey of T shirts:
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 1. Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam. (seen
on Cape Cod)
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 2. That's It! I'm Calling Grandma! (seen on an 8
year old)
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 3. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to
Be When I Grew
>
>>>>>>Up.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 4. Procrastinate Now.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 5. Rehab Is for Quitters.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 6. My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 7. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want
Fries With That?
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 8. Party - My Crib - Two A.M. (on a baby-size
shirt)
>
>>>> >
>
>>>>>> > 9. Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything
I've Been Doing
>
>>>>>>Since
>
>>>>> > > > 15.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 10. ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 11. West Virginia: One Million People, and 15
last names.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 12. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled
with the software.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 13. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 14. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 15. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a
cash advance.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 16. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 17. DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 18. MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience
for a moose.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 19. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was
already taken.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 20. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
dead.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 21. Time's fun when you're having
flies.......Kermit the Frog.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 22. POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have
nothing to go on.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 23. FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped
once.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 24. HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN
GOSH.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 25. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS,
>
>>>>>> > but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 26. The Meek shall inherit the earth....after
we're through with
>
>>>>>>it.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 27. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 28. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken;
>
>>>>>> > A lifetime commitment for a pig.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 29. WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20
years.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 30. The trouble with life is there's no
background music.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 31. IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT
KLEENEX?
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 32. Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 33. The original point-and-click interface was a
Smith & Wesson.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 34. MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 35. Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble
a bit.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 36. Computer programmers know how to use their
hardware.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 37. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used
byThree-Mile-Island cleanup
>
>>>>>>team.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 38. NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-hell-is-the-room- spinning
>
>>>>>> > medicine.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 39. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is
research.
>
>>>>>
>
>>>>>> > 40. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences.
>
>>>>>> He thought he was God, and I didn't.
>****************************************************************************
>Once
upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one
>
>named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu. For
>
>velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen. One
>
>day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent
>
>the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too.
>
>This make both velly happy. However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum
>
>see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby
>
>come he named it How Cum U Cum.
>
>Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day
>
>No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!
>**********************************************************************
><<
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he
>
> > > announces,
>
> > > his wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy
weighing 25
>
> > > pounds.
>
> > > Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
>
> exclamations
>
> > > of "WOW!" were heard. One woman fainted due to
sympathy pains.
>
> > > Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says,
"Say,
>
> > > you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25
>
> pounds at
>
> > > birth.
>
> > > How much does he weigh now?"
>
> > > The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
>
> > > The bartender is puzzled, "Why? What happened? He already
weighed
>
> > > 25 pounds at birth."
>
> > > The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star
>
> > > beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the
>
> bartender and
>
> > > proudly
>
> > > says,
Ø
> > > "Had him
circumcised."
A guy walks into a post
office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
>>standing at the
counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
>>envelopes with
hearts all over them.
>>
>>He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
>>
>>His curiosity
getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
>>asks him what he is
doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine
>>cards signed, 'Guess
who?'"
>>
>>"But why?"
asks the man.
>>
>>"I'm a divorce
lawyer," the man replies.
Dental Vacation
>>
>>On vacation, a woman
and her husband had to make an
>>emergency visit to a
dentist. "I want a tooth pulled," the
>>woman demanded.
"And don't bother with the Novocain either,
>>because we're really
in a hurry. Just take out the tooth
>>and we'll be on our
way."
>>
>>The dentist was
impressed. "You're certainly a very brave
>>woman! Which tooth
is it?"
>>
>>The woman pushed her
husband forward. "Show him your tooth,
>>dear."
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as
> > he sits, the
waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man
> > says,
> >
> > "I'll have a
hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
> > "What's
yours?"
> > "I'll have
the same." Says the ostrich.
> > A short time
later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
> > $6.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
> > change for
payment.
> > The next day, the
man and the ostrich come again, and the man says,
> > "I'll have a
hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll
> > have the
same."
> > Once again the man
reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
> > This becomes a
routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.
> > "The
usual?" asks the waitress.
> > "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
> > salad," says
the man.
> > "Same for me," says the ostrich.
> > A short time later
the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
> > will be
$12.62."
> > Once again the man pulls exact change out
of his pocket and places
> > it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any
> > longer.
> > "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the
> > exact change out
of your pocket every time?"
> > "Well," says the man,
"several years ago, I was cleaning the attic
> > and I found an old
lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
> > offered
> > me two wishes. My
first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
> > anything,
> >
> > I would just have
to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of
> > money would always
he there."
> > "That's brilliant!" says the
waitress. "Most people would wish for
> > a million dollars
or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
> > want
> >
> > for as long as you
live!"
> > "That's
right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
> > exact
> >
> > money is always
there," says the man.
> > The waitress asks, "One other thing,
sir, what's with the
> > ostrich?"
> > The man replies
with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick
Ø
>
with long legs **."
Ole, Lars and Sven had been
going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as
>long as there had been a
hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it,
>they didn't win a prize
in the monthly draw. That is until the last
>meeting.
>
>Sven was the first one
of the three to get his name drawn. He won two
>pounds of spaghetti
sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of
>Swedish meatballs.
>
>Ole had his name drawn
next. He got himself round trip tickets to Dulut,
>
>a nights stay at the Dew
Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger
>
>triplets Polka Ensemble.
Ole thought that he had died and gone to
>heaven.
>
>Lars was the last one to
have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush.
>
>At the next monthly
meeting, they sat down together to check out how
>each other had fared for
the past month. Sven said "Uff da, I had dat
>pasghetti for tree days.
It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy
>food for dem dere tree
days."
>
>Ole said "Lena was
so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up
>
>to Dulut was nice, we
got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a
>
>built in outhouse on dat
dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't
>know better, I would
swear dey were sisters."
>
>Then Ole turned to Lars,
and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars
>looks at them both and
says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink
>I'll go back to using
paper."
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Muscles
>
>
>Too often, we lose sight
of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when
>someone annoys you it
takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it
>only takes 4 muscles to
extend your arm and slap that motherf----r
>upside the head...
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>In The Corridor
>
>
>A beautiful young girl
was about to undergo a minor operation.
She lay
>on a rolling bed and the
nurse brought her into the corridor. Before
>entering the room, the
nurse left her behind the surgery room door to go
>
>in and check if
everything was ready.
>
>A young man wearing a
white coat approached, took the sheet away and
>began examining her
naked body. He walked away and talked
to another
>man in a white
coat. The second man came over and did
the same
>examination.
>
>When a third man started
examining her body very closely, she grew
>impatient and asked,
"These examinations are fine and appreciated, but
>when are you going to
start the operation?"
>
>The man in the white
coat shrugged his shoulders and told her, "I have
>no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
GOMER W. BUSH FEATURE JOKE:
Ø
>>>Bush Inaugural Address Song
>
> Don't know much about history
> Don't know much foreign policy
> Can't remember how I got through school
> Cocaine and alcohol were just so cool
> But what's it matter 'cause my mommy says "Boy, if you want to you
can be
> the prez
> And what a wonderful world this will be"
>
> Don't know much about the women's vote
> Don't know much about the bill I wrote
> Don't know much about the foreign vets
> I've never voted for 'em yet
> But I do know if your dad tries hard
> He can get you in the National Guard
> And what a wonderful place that can be
> Now I never claimed to be an A student But what's wrong with C's?
> And maybe by lying to my lovely daughters
> I can win their love for me
> Don't know much about air pollution
> Don't know much 'bout the constitution
> Don't know much 'bout th'economy
> It never much affected me
> But there's one thing that I know for sure
> If the rich stay rich and poor stay poor
> What a wonderful world this will be
>
> Don't know much about the national debt
> Can't say that I've ever paid one yet
> If we need to we can sell the States
> To the Japanese at discount rates
> But I do know if things get bad
> Dick and I can always call my dad
> And what a wonderful world this will be.
Three friends, two straight
guys and a gay guy, and their significant
others were on a cruise. A
tidal wave came up and swamped the ship;
they all drowned, and the
next thing you know, they're standing before
St. Peter,
First came one of the
straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his
head sadly. "I can't
let you in. You loved money too much. You
loved it so much you even
married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second
straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in either.
You loved food too much. You
loved to eat so much, you even
married a woman named
Candy."
The gay guy turned to his
boyfriend and whispered nervously. "It
doesn't look good Dick
A doctor, a lawyer, and a
biker are in a bar.
The doctor takes a drink of
his martini and says,
"I bought my wife a
mink jacket and a diamond
necklace for Valentines Day,
that way, if she doesn't
like the jacket, she will
still love me
because I got her the
diamond necklace."
The lawyer takes a drink of
his Chevas Regal
and says, "I bought my
wife a designer evening
gown, and a diamond-studded
gold bracelet for
Valentines Day, that way, if
she doesn't like the
evening gown, she will still
love me because I
got her the bracelet."
The biker downs a shot of
Jack Daniels, chases
it with a Pabst Blue Ribbon
and says, "I bought
my old lady a T-shirt and a
vibrator for
Valentines Day, that way if
she don't like the
shirt, she can go f**k
herself."