A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say,Father, what causes arthritis?" Trying to send a message, the priest said, "Mister, it's caused by Loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered,returning to his paper. The priest, feeling guilty about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
It was getting a little
crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new
law was that, in order to get into Heaven,
you had to have a really bummer
day on the day that you died.
The policy would go into
effect at noon the next day. So, the next day
at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate,
remembering the new policy, promptly asked the
man, "Before I let you
in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."
"No problem," the
man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for
him. My wife was
half-naked and
yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to
give up, I happened to glance out onto
the
balcony and noticed that
there was a man hanging off the edge
by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! I ran out onto the
balcony
and stomped on his fingers
until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he
landed in some trees and bushes that
broke his
fall and he didn't die.
This ticks me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the
first thing, I could find
to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing
I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out
onto
the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories
and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great
that I had a heart attack
and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and
thought a moment. Technically, the guy DID
have a bad
day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced,
"OK, sir. Welcome to
the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next
guy came in, Vernon Jordan.
"Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what
your day was like when you died.
" Jordan said, "No
problem. But you're not going to believe
this.
I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was
really
pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away,
slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to
catch myself by the
fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all
of a sudden this crazy man
comes running out of his apartment,
starts cussing, and stomps
on my fingers. Well, of course, I
fell. I hit some trees and
bushes at the bottom, which broke my
fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there,
face up on the
ground, unable to
move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy
push his refrigerator,
of all
things, off the balcony. It falls the 25
floors
and lands on top of me killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly
laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story.
I could get used to this new policy, he thinks to himself.
"Very well,"
the Angel announces.
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and lets Jordan enter.
A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The
Angel
is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war
pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President,
please tell me
what it was like the day you
died."
Clinton says, "OK,
picture this. I'm naked, hiding in a
refrigerator..."
The Drunk in the Bar
>
> A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few
>
> moments later a loud, bloody, curdling scream is heard coming
from
>
> the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream
>
> reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to the
bathroom
>
> door to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's
all the
>
> screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're
scaring the customers,"
> "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the
drunk, "and every
>
> time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell
out of
> my testicles!" With that, the bartender opens the door
and says,
>
> "You idiot!!" You're sitting on the mop
bucket!!"
>
A dietitian was once
addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material
we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the long-term harm caused
by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is
one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and
we all have, or will, eat
it. Can anyone here tell me what
food
it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?"
A 75-year-old man in the
front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake."
Subject: Embarrassing Moment
A radio station paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing
stories. This one netted the winner $300.....
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when
early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been
rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone
off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have
any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra
effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't
going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off
my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that
area"in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was
presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped
in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a
few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure
you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of
the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million
miles away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little
extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The
appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of
the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a
school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's
my washcloth?"
I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.
She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had
all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Way down in dat old swamp
known as Louisiana,
Boudreaux's old lady's been
pregnant for some time,
and now her time had come.
So, he brought her to the
doctor, and the doctor began
to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and
the doctor looked over at
Boudreaux and said, Hey, Boudreaux,
you just had you a
son! Aint dat just
grand"?
Boudreaux got excited by
this, but just then the
doctor spoke up and said,
"Hold on! We ain't finished
up yet!"
The doctor then delivered a
little girl.
He said, "Hey,
Boudreaux! You got you a daughter! She
a pretty lil ting,
too."
Boudreaux was kind of
puzzled by all this, and then
the doctor said, "Hold
on, we still ain't got done
yet!"
The doctor then delivered
another boy and said, "
Boudreaux, you just had
youself another boy!"
When Boudreaux and Marie
went home with their three
children, he sat down with
his wife and said, "Mama,
you remember dat night what
we runned out of dat dere
Vaseline and we had to use
dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I
do."
Boudreaux exclaimed,
"Man, it's a damn good ting we
didn't use no WD-40!"
Three sons left home, went
out on their own and
> > >
prospered. Getting back
> > > >together,
they discussed the gifts they were able to
> > > give their
elderly
> > > >mother.
> > > >
> > > >The first
said, "I built a big house for our mother."
> > > >
> > > >The
second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a
> > > driver."
> > > >
> > > >The third
smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.
> > > You remember
how mom
> > > >enjoyed
reading the Bible?
> > > >And you
know she can't see very well. So I sent
her a
> > > remarkable
parrot
> > > that
> > > >recites
the entire Bible."
> > > >
> > > >"It
took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.
> > > He's one of a
kind.
> > > Mama
> > > >just has
to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
> > > will recite
it."
> > > >
> > > >Soon
thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
> > >
"Milton," she wrote
> > > one
> > > >son,
"The house you built is so huge. I live in only
> > > one room, but
I have
> > > to
> > > >clean the
whole house."
> > > >
> > >
>"Gerald," she wrote to
another, "I am too old to
> > > travel. I
stay most of
> > > the
> > > >time at
home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And
the
> > > driver is so
rude!"
> > > >
> > >
>"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You
> > > have the good
sense to
> > > >know what
your mother likes. The chicken was
Ø > > delicious."