An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the
docks once more for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it
as best as he can for a guy his age.
He asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three
knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting
your money back"

A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible
shipwreck, stranded on a desert island. After some time,
they got into the habit of going to the beach every
evening to watch the sun go down. One particular
evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, and
the breeze was warm and gentle. What a perfect night
for romance!

As they sat there, the pig started looking better and
better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and
put his arm around it. But, the dog became jealous,
growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm. From
then on, the three of them continued to enjoy the
sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was
another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful,
young woman. When the young maiden was well enough,
they all introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds,
a warm and gentle breeze. What a perfect for a night
for a romance!

The guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought
them off as long as he could, but he finally leaned over
to the young woman and whispered in her ear, "Would
you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
> > >classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The
> > >question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What
> > >to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
> > >head, hoping for the best:
> > >
> > >1. No need to boil.
> > >
> > >2. Cats can't steal it.
> > >
> > >3. Available whenever necessary.
> > >
> > >So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
> > >Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He
> > >scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He
> > >grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive
> > >answer:
> > >
> > >4. Available in attractive containers.

Subject: Elderly
> >
> >
> > > A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
> > > >The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, Doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my
wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still
nothing. "She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with
her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still
couldn't get the damn jar open!"

The saga of "Bubba" continues......
Reflection of '84 Bubba in the Metro-Times...

Ah yes, but that's part of the charm of the stadium. As I settled in, I thought of greats who have graced the field Ruth, Gehrig, Cobb ... Helms.

Helms, you say? But of course ... Bubba Helms, the navel-baring, pot-bellied, beer-soaked, cannabis-infused reform school dropout who became a national poster boy for a black-eyed Detroit after the Tigers clinched the '84 World Series.

Who can forget the memory of Helms, holding a pennant above his head and striking that coy "come hither and riot with me" pose as flipped-over police cars blazed nearby. Alas, poor Bubba, we hardly knew ye.

And from the Detroit News (in regardance to the MSU riots)

His words made me remember Kenneth "Bubba" Helms.

    Helms is the former Lincoln Park resident who was photographed in front of a burning police car after the Detroit Tigers' 1984 World Series victory.

    Published in newspapers around the world, that photo became a symbol of the pointless violence that struck Detroit after the game.

    At the time, Bubba was just 17, a jobless, aimless youth who had been expelled for truancy in the eighth grade.

    He told a newspaper reporter that he had "drunk a fifth of Jim Beam bourbon and smoked a few bad ones" before heading downtown.

    There was nothing on his mind except getting his picture taken so his sister in Miami could see it.

    This was the peak of his ambitions, the scope of his hopes.

    In the photograph taken for the Associated Press, Helms holds up a World Series pennant in front of the burning police car. Once the media identified him, his life changed.

    His parents were overwhelmed by an avalanche of ugly phone calls and letters. The family split up.

    When his family moved to Tennessee in 1986, Bubba had to grow up overnight. In 1987, he moved in with relatives in a north Miami suburb.

    Presumably, he learned something that still eludes the East Lansing rioters: Once the hangovers and headaches, the cleanups and police line-ups, the suspensions and expulsions start, a riot's fun fades fast.