Two sisters

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to
>grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of
>a beech or a son of a birch?"

>The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on
>the sapling. One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a
>tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of
>a birch?"

>The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It
>is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my
>friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the
> >family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they
> >are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from
> >repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their
> >own stock. The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes
> >their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize
> >bull for sale.
> >
> >Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
> >decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
> >The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the
> >bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells
> >her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to
> >the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
> >
> >She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want
> >to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've
> >bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up
> >truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator
> >explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
> >Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes
> >that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking
> >for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word,
> >'comfortable'."
> >
> >The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever
> >going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and
> >drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the
> >word, 'comfortable'?"
> >
> >The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it
> >slow."

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have
something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

Subject: THE MAN
>
>
> Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while
> I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking
> for it
> (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood
> and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
> shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these
> things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
> where to start." Want to go watch the ball game with me?
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and
> take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I
do,
> so for you this isn't an issue.
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
> store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
> "Cumin" or "Tofu".
> For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances,
> expect me to pick up anything for which"feminine hygiene product" is a
> euphemism.
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist
on
> taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much
> once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think
> we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
stranger
> - I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The
> answer is always either sex or football, though I always have to make up
> something else when you ask, so don't.
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
> come visit us, or talk to her when she calls or think about her any more
> than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't
need
> to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mommy, too!
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie...
Chances
> are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
> were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
> With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can
> we just go now?
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man and this is, after all, the year 2000, I will share
equally
> in the work. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the
> cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
> -------------------------------------------------------
>
> This has been a Public Service Message for Women, to better understand the
> Male Animal.

Success is:

At age 4, success is.....................not peeing your pants.

At age 12, success is.....................having friends.

At age 20, success is.....................having sex.

At age 35, success is.....................making money.

At age 60, success is.....................having sex.

At age 70, success is.....................having friends.

At age 80, success is.....................not peeing your pants.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

"Early 00's Vocabulary"
>
> SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of
> them
> stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income,
> Two
> Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
>
> SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
>
> STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce
> with no
> kids, no property and no regrets.
>
> STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
> whiny.
>
> SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
> because the
> magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
>
> TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation
> from their
> jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest
> were
> just tourists."
>
> TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
>
> XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
> workplace.
>
> GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing
> it. Makes
> reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who
> have
> snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
>
> ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in
> an
> office or work group.
>
> CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e."Well,
> first we
> gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
>
> G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take
> in
> order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they
> are
> solvent again.
>
> IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying
> but you
> find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Ally
> McBeal,
> Monica Lewinsky, etc.
>
> DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a
> Vice
> President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number
> of a
> deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the
> operator
> for assistance. (See also, "Decruitment.") **See also,
> "Decommissioned"
>
> VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all
> the
> appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot
> for a
> Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key,
> the
> Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. Sometimes referred
> to as
> the "THREE-FINGERED SALUTE."
>
> YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
> everywhere.
> Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8
> each, but
> all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
>
> ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success
> and
> advancement by kissing up to the boss.
>
> BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline
> was
> missed or a project failed and who is responsible.
>
> SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
> over
> everything and then leaves.
>
> SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming
> upstream,
> only to get screwed and die in the end.
>
> CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the
> employee
> head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
>
> CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe
> ill-advised
> activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a
> huge
> CLM.
>
> ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
> above the
> rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
> profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to
> the problems they were designed to solve.
>
> DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from
> the
> experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've
> been
> dilberted again. The old man revised the
> specs for the fourth time this week."
>
> FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of
> planning to
> leave the company or department soon.
>
> 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
> "404 Not
> Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
> Used as
> in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."
>
> GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
> same no
> matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
> subdivisions.
> Used as in: "We were so lost in generica
> that I forgot what city we were in."
>
> OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
> that
> you've just made a BIG mistake.
>
> PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
> electronic device to get it to work again.
>
> UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed
> intimate
> relationship, as in "This is Bridget, my ... um ...friend."
>
> BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look
> down on
> anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
>
> CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
>
> IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators
> running.
>
> MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch
> Potato.
>
> PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
> cube
> farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going
> on.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On
their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a
virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how,
but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband#10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God! I miss
him!!!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"

"Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

BUMBLE BEE
One day a young husband and wife were in their bedroom
making love.
All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As
the wife parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. She started
screaming, "Oh my God help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and
explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if both of you agree."
The husband being very concerned, agreed that the doctor could
use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said, "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over
the head of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I
feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall
withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out
of your wife's vagina.
" The husband nodded and gave his approval. The wife said,
"Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after
covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young
lady's vagina.

After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think
the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit
deeper.
"So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the
doctor began shafting the young woman very hard indeed.
She began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and
groan.
Oh doctor, doctor," she wailed.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was
enjoying himself, and then put his hands on the young lady's breasts
and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and
shouted, "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think
you're doing?"

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan, I'm
gonna drown the bastard."

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll.
> >One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.
> >As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman
> >said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get
> >something to drink."
> >
> >The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
> >We've got the dogs with us."
> >
> >The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
> >
> >They walked over to the bar and the guy with the
> >Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to
> >walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no
> >pets allowed."
> >
> >The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
> >This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
> >
> >The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
> >
> >The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very
> >good."
> >
> >The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
> >
> >The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he
> >put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He
> >knew his would be more unbelievable.
> >
> >Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets
> >allowed."
> >
> >The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand.
> >This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
> >
> >The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
> >
> >The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave
> >me a f-----g Chihuahua?"