Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.

There is a drug called beer, that is essentially in liquid form.  The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
> > > Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
> > > Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to
> > > you?
> > > Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
> > > porch on a warm
> > > spring evening, when a young man comes
> > > creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
> > > Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
> > > Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was
> > > friendly.
> > > Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
> > > Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
> > > Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
> > > Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
> > > Defense Attorney: Why not?
> > > Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
> > > passed away some 30 years ago.
> > > Defense Attorney: What happened next?
> > > Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
> > > Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: No, I did not
> > > stop him.
> > > Defense Attorney: Why not?
> > > Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
> > > and excited. I haven't felt that good in
> > > years!
> > > Defense Attorney: What happened next?
> > > Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old
> > > legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
> > > Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
> > > Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"
> > > And that's when I shot the son of a bitch! >>

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch
 > in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it
 > starts."
 > The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
 > Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
 > She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
 > He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another
 > beer, it's going to start any minute."
 > The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do
 > tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a
 > lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
 > The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many
 >little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be
 >dangerous, as one of them could accidentally forget to turn off the stove
 >and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some
 >help.
 >
 >Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write
 >themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple liked the
 >suggestion and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
 >
 >When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen
 >and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you
 >won't forget?"
 >
 >"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
 >
 >"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better
 >write that down, because I know you'll forget."
 >
 >"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some
 >strawberries. I can remember that!"
 >
 >"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd
 >really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
 >
 >"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a
 >dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
 >
 >With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear
 >him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the
 >kitchen about 15 minutes later.
 >
 >Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
 >The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said,
 >"Hey, where's the toast?"

Ø > The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped
> > giving milk. The people did some research and
> > found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for
> > 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.
> > Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
> > The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk
> > all the time, and the people were amazed and
> > very happy.
> >
> > They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the
> > cow and produce more cows like it. Then they
> > would never have to worry about the milk supply
> > again.
> >
> > They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with
> > their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came
> > close to the cow, the cow would move away.
> >
> > No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow
> > would move away from the bull and he could not
> > succeed in his quest.
> >
> > The people were very upset and decided to ask the
> > rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told
> > the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull
> > approaches our cow, she moves away. If he
> > approaches from the back, she moves forward.
> > When he approaches her from the front, she backs
> > off. An approach from the side and she just walks
> > away to the other side."
> >
> > The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
> > "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
> >
> > The people were dumbfounded, since they had never
> > mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
> >
> > "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did
> > you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
> >
> > The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Ø Subject: THE ELMO MISUNDERSTANDING
>> >
>> >  The Elmo Misunderstanding
>> >  A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The
>> >  personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to
>> >  work promptly at 8:00 AM.
>> >
>> >  The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel
>> >  manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts
>> >  He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
>> >  The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor
>> >  to show him the problem.
>> >
>> >  Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end
>> >  of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material
>> >  used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as
>> >  she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles,
>> >  and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
>> >  The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
>> >  minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and
>> >  says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your
>> > job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

When the Ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting
with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a
demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this  trip.
All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to
my sons.

I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After
we see land, you can get your penis back.  A couple of
days later, Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage
and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my
shoulders and look out the window to see if there is
any land out there!"  Mrs. Rabbit got onto his
shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no
land yet."

"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every Day
until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit
asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will
rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water
has drained will we be able to  see land. But why are
you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he
held out  a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S
RECEIPT!!"

A certain woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business
>has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate
>that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please
>help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to
>lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
>
>Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays, "God,
>please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going
>to lose my car as well."
>
>Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she
>prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my
>house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for
>help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win
>the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.
>
>Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi
>is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me
>halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

Rodney and Percy are playing golf and are at the tricky
>16th hole. The 16th is one of those holes where it's a
>blind second shot and all players have to wait until they
>hear the bell until they play their 2nd shot to the green.
>
>Anyway, Rodders and Perky were putting out on the 16th
>when this ball lands within a foot of cute little Perky.
>Rodders, the 'butch' one says "Perky! GO AND LIE IN THAT
>BUNKER OVER THERE AND PRETEND YOU WERE HIT BY THAT BALL.
>So Perky goes and lies there groaning, etc.
>
>Over the brow of the hill arrive these two huge, hairy-
>chested pair of golfers.
>
>When they arrive at the green, the first Tarzan says
>"Where's my fucking golf ball, you pansy-ass?"  Rodders
>replies, "You nasty, big bully, look what've done to my
>friend.  Your golf ball hit him on the head just as he
>was about to putt for his birdie.  Now he is bleeding and
>lying there half dead--you big pig! We're going to take
>you to court and sue you for millions!"
>
>After listen to Rodder's whiny-ass dribble, the two large
>ape-like creatures look at each other and say, "Fuck you,
>homo, suck our dicks!"
>
>Rodders then thinks about it and screams over to the
>poor groaning Perky and says, "Perky, Perky, get up! They
>want to 'settle out of court!"

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money
from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a
week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that
the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The
banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.



The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks
very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke
through the fence,and has serviced all my neighbor's cows.".


"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?".


"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.


"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.


"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Ø One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
> > starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over
> > and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
> > appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The
> > husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later,
> > he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you
> > have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

> One day a man was lost in a forest when he came upon a small house.
> > Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man
> > with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you
> > put me up for the night?"
> > "Certainly",' the Chinese man said, "but on one condition."
> > "If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter... I will
> > inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'".
> > "OK,", said the man, and he entered the house.
> >
> > Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was
> > young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously
> > attracted to the man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him
> > during the meal.
> > Remembering the old man's warning the man ignored her and
> > went up to bed alone. During the night the man could bear it no
> > longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was
> > careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and,
> > near dawn, he crept back to his room. He was  exhausted but happy.
> >
> > He then woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes
> > he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
> > "Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.".
> > 'Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best
> > the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
> > He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw
> > the boulder out.  As he did so, he noticed another note on it
> > that read:
> >
> > "Chinese Torture 2:    Rock tied to left testicle."
> > In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already
> > getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was
> > better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder.
> >
> > As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the
> > ground that grew larger.......It read.....
> >
> > "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post." >>

> 'Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat
> > > > The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
> > > >
> > > > The doors were all bolted, and the phone was off the
> > > > hook
> > > > It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
> > > >
> > > > Momma in her teddy, and I am in the nude
> > > > Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
> > > >
> > > > When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
> > > > That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
> > > >
> > > > Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
> > > > Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
> > > >
> > > > The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
> > > > Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
> > > >
> > > > When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
> > > > But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
> > > >
> > > > With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
> > > > A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
> > > >
> > > > Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
> > > > And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
> > > >
> > > > Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
> > > > Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
> > > >
> > > > Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
> > > > Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
> > > >
> > > > They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
> > > > Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
> > > >
> > > > And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
> > > > As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
> > > >
> > > > I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
> > > > When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
> > > >
> > > > His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
> > > > He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
> > > >
> > > > "That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
> > > > "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here
> > > > awhile.
> > > >
> > > > He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
> > > > Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
> > > >
> > > > I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
> > > > The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
> > > >
> > > > Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
> > > > But his toys were all gone, and some new things were
> > > > packed.
> > > >
> > > > The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
> > > > The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
> > > >
> > > > A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
> > > > And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
> > > >
> > > > A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
> > > > And several other things that I shouldn't even
> > > > mention.
> > > >
> > > > A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
> > > > A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
> > > >
> > > > "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
> > > > So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
> > > >
> > > > He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
> > > > With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
> > > >
> > > > He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
> > > > Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
> > > >
> > > > In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
> > > > Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a
> > > > bitch!"
> > > >
> > > > The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
> > > > "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

************************************************
Hangover Rating System
>>
>>
>
>>
>> > > 1 star hangover
>> > >
>> > > No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a
>> > > mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy.
>> > > Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However,
>> > > you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this
>> > > way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of
>> > > gravy fries from any truck stop USA.
>> > >
>> > > 2 star hangover
>> > >
>> > > No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but
>> > > you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun.
>> > > The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating
>> > > your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity
>> > > pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on
>> > > your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the
>> > > office, you are costing your employer valuable money because
>> > > all you really can handle is surfing internet porn and writing junk
>> > > e-mails.
>> > >
>> > > 3 star hangover
>> > >
>> > > Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a
>> > > space shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag
>> > > because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you
>> > > did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45
>> > > a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your
>> > > bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E!
>> > > fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,
>> > > 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
>> > >
>> > > 4 star hangover
>> > >
>> > > Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too
>> > > quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted
>> > > you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
>>
>> > > You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed
>> > > an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your
>> > > make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have
>> > > sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style
>> > > makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere
>> > > High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of
>> > > the following -
>> > > 1. the clock to strike 6pm
>> > > 2. the entire appetizer list from TGIFridays or
>> > > 3. a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone
>> > > out the night before.
>> > >
>> > > 5 star hangover, aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell.
>> > >
>> > > You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually
>> > > annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor
>> > > is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still
>> > > have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
>> > > brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate
>> > > saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
>> > > would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death
>> > > seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get
>> > > mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just
>> > > died because you look so pathetic. You should have called
>> > > in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is
>> > > bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because
>> > > you definitely don't remember who you were with, where
>> > > you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger
>> > > still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house.
>> > > The only thing you can do is smoke a bong hit and pass out.
>> > > It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star
>> > > hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao
>> > > Chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of rice krispie
>> > > treats.