The mind of a six year old is wonderful. First

> >> > > Grade.....true story

> >> > >

> >> > > One day the first grade teacher was reading the story

> >> > > of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the

> >> > > part of the story where the first pig was trying to

> >> > > accumulate the building materials for his home.

> >> > > She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with

> >> > > the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me

> >> > > sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my

> >> > > house?'"

> >> > > The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do

> >> > > you think that man said?"

> >> > > One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he

> >> > > said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

> >> > > The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10

> >> > > minutes.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"DAMN! That's the ugliest damn baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and
started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he
shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

You know you're in California when:

You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to
avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
and is named Breeze.

You can't remember... is pot legal?

You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers
and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

You can't remember... is pot legal?

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap,
sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary
Kay rep is a guy in drag.

It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel
about "THE STORM!"

Hey... is pot legal?

Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los,
El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los. to all my friends that make fun of us
CALIFORNIANs:

Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.

A family of four owns six vehicles.

Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods
and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all,
over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.

Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.

Yeah, you're sure...? pot is legal.

And finally, a question:
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.
********************************************************************
> Just a few reminders before you all head out for the night!!!!
>
>
> TO ALL THE DRUNK WOMEN:
> 20 CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN ...
>
> 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
>
> 2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the
ladies room.
>
> 3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
>
> 4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy
Faye Baker than the goddess you > were just four hours ago.
>
> 5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on
eating.
>
> 6. You start crying.
>
> 7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
>
> 8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
>
> 9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
>
> 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing
becomes strangely overwhelming.
>
> 11. You've forgotten where you live.
>
> 12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes
you've smoked, because (as you've
> mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
>
> 13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you
just tonic, but that's just because > you can no longer taste the gin
or vodka.
>
> 14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
>
> 15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the
wrong way but..."
>
> 16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
>
> 17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
>
> 18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
>
> 19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really
want to.
>
> 20. You let your tongue do the walking in, on and around some guys face
;o)
********************************************************************************

>> A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can
> get
> a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
>
> The guy leaves.
>
> A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
> long
> before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of
> customers and says, About 3 hours."
>
> The guy leaves.
>
> A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long
> before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
> "About an hour and half."
>
> The guy leaves.
>
> The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow
> that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait
for
>
> a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
>
> A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
> hysterically.
>
> The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
>
> Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house"!

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get

her

> >> > >tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a

> >> > >gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge

red

> >> > >tomatoes.

> >> > >

> >> > >The woman asked the neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes

so

> >>red?"

> >> > >

> >> > >The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my

> >>tomato

> >> > >garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so

> >>much."

> >> > >

> >> > >Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same

> >>thing

> >> > to

> >> > >her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for 2

weeks

> >>she

> >> > >exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

> >> > >

> >> > >One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the

way,

> >>how

> >> > >did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

> >> > >

> >> > >"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

****************************************************************************

*****

>> >

> > >> A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the

> >> door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in

> >> the morning.

> >> "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

> >> Then, a louder knock follows.

> >> "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

> >> So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door

> >> and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner

> >> long to realize the man was drunk.

> >> "Hi there," slurs the stranger,"Can you give me a push?"

> >> "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man

> >> and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what

> >> happened

> >> and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night

we

> >> broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the

> >> baby

> >> sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get

> >> us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get

lost??"

> >> "But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

> >> "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would

> >> be the Christian thing to help him."

> >> So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes

downstairs.

> >> He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger

> >> anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

> >> And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

> >> So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are

> >> you?"

> >>

> >> The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

****************************************************************************

****************

> >>> > One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was

> > wallowing in

> > despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon

> > asked,

> > "Why

> > so

> > glum?"

> > The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

> > "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot

> > of

> > fun

> > down

> > here. You a drinking man?"

> > "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

> > "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is

> > drink.

> > Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and

> > Fresca.

> > We

> > drink

> > till

> > we throw up and then we drink some more!"

> > The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

> > "You a smoker?" the demon asked.

> > "You better believe it!"

> > "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from

> > all

> > over

> > the

> > world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.

> > You're

> > already

> > dead remember?"

> > "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

> > The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

> > "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

> > "'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack,

> > roulette,

> > poker,

> > slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead

> > anyhow.

> > You

> > into

> > drugs?"

> > The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean

> > "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great

> > big

> > bowl

> > of

> > crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You

> > can

> > do

> > all the

> > drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

> > "Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his

> > situation,

> > "I

> > never

> > realized Hell was such a cool place!"

> > The demon then asked, " Are you gay?"

> > "No.", replied the man.........

Ø > "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"

Defendant: "No, I did not."

Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"

Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the
penalty for murder."
**************************************************
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed her ex-husband
at the bar.

"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the
bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
***************************************************************
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $2.00 at bowling alleys.

                            ***

I gave my son a hint on his first day of high school. On his
bedroom room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

> A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

> "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

> BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

> BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

> BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

>

> "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.

> When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.

> And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

>

> The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1 !"

> The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

> When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

> When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

>

> After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

> "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

>

> "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," SHE replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE

****************************************************************************

****************

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so she eases it over

onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out

jump two more blondes in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle

where

they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing

themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups

in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged,

runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the devil is

going

on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady calmly.

"Well, what are those blondes doing here by the road?" screams the cop.

"Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the first blonde!

****************************************************************************

**************

>> THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

>>

>> There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles

>> so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She

>> went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree

>> and wrote this note:"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000

>> in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow

>> at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde"

>>

>> She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go

>> straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the

>> $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had

>> instructed. Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your

>> money.

>> I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

> Better Than a Flu Shot!

>>Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for

>> > her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one

>> > afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian

>> > parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little

>> > tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a

>> > cut crystal bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water

>> > floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise.

>> > Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something! But

>> > he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she

>> > returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to

>> > stifle his curiosity about! the bowl of water and its strange floater,

>> > but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer "Miss

>> > Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me

>> > about! this? "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was

>> > walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The

>> > directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would

>> > prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices

is

> that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose

> he's ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his

attention

> to the merchandise, and asks, "ess-tues me seer?"

>

> "Yes sir," replied the clerk.

>

> "Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

>

> "Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."

>

> "SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks

"welp,

how

> mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

>

> "Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

>

> "SSIT!" Replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"

>

> "Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound."

>

> "Welp, Ssit. Just div me a poulnd of dose dhen."

>

> "Alright then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of

pecans.

>

> Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay

tank

you

> fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

>

> The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me

for

> that. I don't make fun of anybody, for any thing! I don't

> know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."

>

> The tongue-tied guy replies "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz

your

Ø penis since your nutz arr so damn high!"

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a
>> baby. So the Minister went to the congregation and asked
>> for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they
>> passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so
>> would his paycheck. After 5 or 6 children, this started to
>> get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting
>> again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. As you can
>> imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the
>> Minister got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children
>> is an act of God!" He said.
>>
>> In the back of the room, a little
>> old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said,
>> "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God
>> but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

WHO SAYS REDNECK AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??
>>
>>Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report
>>about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his
>>firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI
>>agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the
>>firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find
>>no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.. The phone rings at Billy
>>Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop
>>your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy"
*******************************************************************************

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."