>  A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
> > restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman
> > comes over to their table, gives the husband a big
> kiss,
> > tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
> >
> > His wife glares at him and says, "Just who was
> that??!!
> > "Oh, replied the husband. "That was my mistress."
> >
> > The wife says," That's it; I want a divorce."
> >
> > "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember,
>
> if you get a
> > divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to
> Paris, no wintering
> > in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no
> more country club.
> > But the decision is yours."
> >
> > Just then his wife notices a mutual friend entering
> the
> > restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's the woman
> with Jim?" she asks.
> >
> > "That's his mistress," replies the husband.
> >
> > "Ours is prettier," says the wife.

Ø Don't cheat! This is a good one.
> >
> > You're driving a bus that is leaving from Pennsylvania and ending in New
> > York.
> > To start off with, there were 32 passengers on the bus.
> > At the next bus stop, 11 people get off and 9 people get on.
> > At the next bus stop, 2 people got off and 2 people got on.
> > At the next bus stop, 12 people got on and 16 people got off.
> > At the next bus stop, 5 people got on and 3 people got off.
> > What color are the bus driver's eyes?
> >
> > STOP HERE......don't go any further yet! THINK, THINK, THINK
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The key to understanding the problem is focusing on the right information.
> > If we assume it is critical to keep track of the number of people getting
>on
> > and off the bus, we focus on information that turns out to be unessential.
> > It distracts us from the important information.
> >
> > The answer to the problem is found in the first sentence. YOU are driving
>the
> > bus so the color is of course the color of YOUR eyes.
> > If you didn't get it right, don't worry. The majority of people don't
>answer
> > correctly.
> > If you got it right, you have exceptional problem solving skills

>GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
>1. Sag, You're it
>2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
>3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
>4. Kick the bucket
>5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
>6. Doc Goose
>7. Simon says something incoherent.
>8. Hide and go pee
>9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
>10. Musical recliners

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"DAMN! That's the ugliest damn baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and
started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he
shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

>The Perfect Breakfast
>
>  You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of
> Wheaties.
>  Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
>  Your wife is on the back of the milk carton

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with
>clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in
>civilized society, it is called golf.
>
>Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
>
>Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are
>those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
>
>Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
>
>The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and
>not too often.
>
>There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends,
>play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
>
>Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of
>poor players.
>
>An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once
>before swinging, and once again after swinging.
>
>Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart
>cannot count, criticize or laugh.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm to promise to 'love,
honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to
her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that
part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked
away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom
have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are
exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the
pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every
morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your
lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny
voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I
thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and
whispered: "She made me a better offer."
**************************************************
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you
don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
****************************************************************************
*****
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde
asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a
few seconds, and replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six
cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two
regular, two black, and two decaf."

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"

Defendant: "No, I did not."

Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"

Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the
penalty for murder."
**************************************************
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed her ex-husband
at the bar.

"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the
bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
***************************************************************
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $2.00 at bowling alleys.

                            ***

I gave my son a hint on his first day of high school. On his
bedroom room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

Ø A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
 > "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
 > BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
 > BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
 > BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
 >
 > "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.
 > When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.
 > And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
 >
 > The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1 !"
 > The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
 > When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
 > When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
 >
 > After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
 > "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
 >
 > "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," SHE replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE

****************************************************************************
****************

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so she eases it over
onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out
jump two more blondes in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle
where
they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing
themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups
in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged,
runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the devil is
going
on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady calmly.
"Well, what are those blondes doing here by the road?" screams the cop.
"Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the first blonde!

>> > Better Than a Flu Shot!



>>Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for
>> > her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one
>> > afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian
>> > parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little
>> > tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
>> > cut crystal bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
>> > floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise.
>> > Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something! But
>> > he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she
>> > returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to
>> > stifle his curiosity about! the bowl of water and its strange floater,
>> > but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer "Miss
>> > Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me
>> > about! this? "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was
>> > walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The
>> > directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
>> > prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
>> >

>>Subject: Men In Heaven > >
>>
>>  Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. > God comes and says, "I
>> want the men to make two lines. One line for the > men that ruled their
>> women on earth and the other line for the men that > were ruled by their
>> women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. > Peter." > > With that
>> said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and > there
>> are two lines. > The line of the men that were ruled by their women was
>> 1000 miles long, > and in the line of men that ruled their women, there
>> was only one man. > > God became angry and said, "You men should be
>> ashamed of yourselves. I > created you in my image and you were all
>> whipped by your mates. Look at > the only one of my sons that stood up
>> and made me proud. Learn from him! > Tell them my son, how did you
>> manage to be the only one in this line?" > > And the man replied, "I
>> don't know .... my wife told me to stand here."
>>

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices
is
 > that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose
 > he's ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his
attention
 > to the merchandise, and asks, "ess-tues me seer?"
 >
 > "Yes sir," replied the clerk.
 >
 > "Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"
 >
 > "Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."
 >
 > "SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks
"welp,
how
 > mutsh arr your aahhmons?"
 >
 > "Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."
 >
 > "SSIT!" Replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"
 >
 > "Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound."
 >
 > "Welp, Ssit. Just div me a poulnd of dose dhen."
 >
 > "Alright then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of
pecans.
 >
 > Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay
tank
you
 > fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."
 >
 > The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me
for
 > that. I don't make fun of anybody, for any thing! I don't
 > know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."
 >
 > The tongue-tied guy replies "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz
your
 > penis since your nutz arr so damn high!"

>> There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a
>> baby. So the Minister went to the congregation and asked
>> for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they
>> passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so
>> would his paycheck. After 5 or 6 children, this started to
>> get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting
>> again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. As you can
>> imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the
>> Minister got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children
>> is an act of God!" He said.
>>
>> In the back of the room, a little
>> old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said,
>> "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God
>> but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."