There was a guy sunbathing
in the nude. He saw a little girl coming
>> toward him, so he covered himself with
the newspaper he was
>>reading.
>> The girl came to him and asked,
"What do you have under the
>> newspaper?"
>> Thinking quickly, the guy replied,
"A bird." The girl walked away,
>>and
>> the guy fell asleep.
>> When he woke up, he was in a hospital
in tremendous pain. The
>>police
>> asked him what happened.
>> The guy says,"I don't know. I was
lying on the beach, this little
>>girl
>> asked me a question, I guess I dozed
off, and the next thing I
>>know is
>> I'm here." The police went to the
beach,found the girl, and asked
>>her,
>> "What did you do to that naked
fellow?"
>> After a pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing. I was playing
>>with
>> his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its
>>eggs,
>> and set its nest on fire!"
>> Moral of the
story....................never lie to kids.
Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He
noticed that the
man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir,
but
why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a
Father."
Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but
he
wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so
differently?"
The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for
many."
Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many. He
has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar
like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds and
hundreds of people."
Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he
leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your
pants backwards."
***********************************************
Last night while I lay sleeping
I died or so it seems
Then I went to Heaven
But 'twas only in my dreams
But, it seems St. Peter was
There at the Pearly Gate
He said, "I must check your record
So please stand here and wait"
"I see where you drank alcohol
and swore quite often, too
Fact is you've done many things
That a good person shouldn't do"
"We can't have people like you up here
Your life was full of sin"
Then he read the last of my record
Grasped my hand and said "Come in"
He took me up to the BIG GUY
Said, "Take him in and treat him well
He worked for U of M. ITCom ...
He's had his share of Hell"
************************************************************
After many years of illness, Ronald Reagan was near
the end and death was near. His minister, Nancy and the family
were at his side. Knowing that his time was short, Nancy asked if
he had any last requests.
"Yes," Reagan replied, "I'd like to have Bill and Hillary
Clinton
at my side before I go."
The family was amazed at this request and some wondered if his memory
had failing even more than they had suspected. Regardless, they went
ahead and forwarded his request to the former first family.
Within hours, the former president and first lady arrived at Reagan's
bedside, on Air Force One, courtesy of a loan from President Bush.
Both Bill and Hillary were touched and flattered that Reagan would ask
for them to be with him during his final moments. Obviously they had not been
friends throughout the years. Why hadn't Reagan chosen George Bush, Sr.,
G.W. Bush, or some of his old Hollywood friends? No one could even guess.
Finally, Bill Clinton walked to Reagan's bedside and broke the silence by
asking, "Mr. President, why did you chose Hillary and me to be with you at
this critical moment?"
Reagan raised himself in the bed as best he could and said in a very weak
voice,
"Jesus died between two thieves ... and that's how I want to go!"
Ø >HEADLINES of 2050:
> >
> >Florida to Be Readmitted to Union
> >
> >Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
> >
> >Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
> >
> >Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal
Probes Were "Just For Fun"
> >
> >Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums
Overcame Lurid Past With US President.
> >
> >Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor.
"This Is
True Love," He Beams.> >
> >> >
> >Cody & Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed
Crime Spree Continues.
> >
> >President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice
"Mad
Dog" Ortega In Cage Match.
> >
> >Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens.
> >
> >Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders.
> >
> >D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow.
> >
> >Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at
Sotheby's.
> >
> >Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's
Allegations.
> >
> >Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of
Monopoly Charges.
> >
> >5 billion dollar, 50-Year Study by Government reveals : Diet and
Exercise
Key to Weight Loss.
> >
> >Baby Conceived Naturally.
> >
> >It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays.
> >
> >Cal Ripken Jr. Reduced to DH Role.
A woman was thinking about
finding a pet to help keep her company at
>home. She decided she
would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't
>be as much work as a
dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
>
>She went to a pet shop
and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
>There was a sign on the
cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked
>the pet store owner.
>
>The owner looked at her
and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
>this bird used to live
in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty
>vulgar stuff."
>
>The woman thought about
this, but decided she had to have the bird
>anyway. She took it home
and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
>and waited for it to say
something.
>
>The bird looked around
the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
>madam." The woman
was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
>"that's not so
bad."
>
>When her two teenage
daughters returned from school, the bird saw them
>and said, "New
house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman
>were a bit offended, but
then began to laugh about the situation.
>
>Moments later, the
woman's husband Ray, came home from work. The bird
>looked at him and said,
"Hi, Ray!
WOMEN:
>>>Women are
honest, loyal and forgiving.
>>>They're smart,
knowing that knowledge is power.
>>>But they still
know how to use their softer side to make a point.
>>>Women want to be
the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
>>>Their hearts
break when a friend dies.
>>>They have sorrow
at the loss of a family member,
>>>yet they are
strong when they think there is no strength left.
>>>A women can make
a romantic evening unforgettable.
>>>Women come in
all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
>>>They will live
in homes, apartments and cabins.
>>>They will drive,
fly, walk, run or crawl to show how much they care.
>>>The heart of a
women is what makes the world go around!
>>>Women do more
than just give birth, they bring joy and hope.
>>>They give
compassion and ideals beyond belief.
>>>They give moral
support to their family and friends.
>>>And all they
want in return is a hug, a smile and for you to do the
>>>same to people
you come in contact with.
>>>
>>>MEN:
>>>Men are good at
lifting things and fixing shit.
Father, mother and son decide
to go to the zoo one day. So they
>set off and are seeing
lots of animals.
>Eventually they end up
opposite the elephant house.
>
>The boy looks at the
elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says,
>"Mummy, what is
that long thing. His mother replies, "That, son, is the
>elephant's trunk."
>"No, at the other
end."
> "That, son is the tail."
> "No, mummy, the thing under the
elephant."
> A short embarrassed silence after which she
>replies, "That
nothing."
>
> The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and
>the boy,not being
satisfied with her answer, asks
>his father the same
question.
>
>"Daddy, what is
that long thing?"
>"That's the trunk,
son," replies the father.
>"No at the other
end."
>"Oh, that is the
tail."
>"No, no daddy, the
thing below," asks the
>son in desperation.
>"That is the
elephants penis. Why do you ask
>son?" "Well
mummy said it was nothing," says the
>boy.
>To which the father
replies: "I tell you, I
>spoil that woman
..."
OLD COWBOY
> > > > >
>
> > > > >
> An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As
> > > > >
> he
> > > > >
> sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
> > > > >
> next
> > > > >
> to him. She turned to the cowboy
and asked him,
> > > > >
> "Are you
> > > > >
> a real cowboy?' He replied, "Well, I've spent my
> > > > >
> whole
> > > > >
> life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences,
> > > > >
> and branding
> > > > >
> cattle, so I guess I am."
> > > > >
>
> > > > >
> She said, "I'm a lesbian. I
spend my whole day
> > > > >
> thinking
> > > > >
> about women. As soon as I get up
in the morning, I
> > > > >
> think
> > > > >
> about women. When I shower, watch
TV, every thing
> > > > >
> seems to make me think of women."
> > > > >
>
> > > > >
> A little while later, a couple sits down next to the
> > > > >
> old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
> > > > >
> He
> > > > >
> replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found
> > > > >
> out I'm a
Ø
>
> > > > lesbian"
A man is on the stand in
court, being tried for the crime of eating a
California Condor, a
protected species. The judge says to him, "You know
that eating endangered
wildlife is a despicable crime punishable by huge
fines, don't you?"
The man answers, "Yes,
your honor, but I'd been lost in the forest for
three days without food, and
I was afraid I was going to starve to death,
so I had no choice, I had to
eat whatever I could."
The judge considered the
man's testimony, checked his law books, and
announced that the man would
not be fined. "Due to the extenuating
circumstances, I've decided
that you should not be punished -- you have
a right to take drastic
measures for self-preservation... but off the
record, I have one
question... what did it taste like?"
The man was surprised by the
question, and thought about it for a
minute.
"Well, I suppose it's
sort of like a cross between bald eagle and
spotted owl."