The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that
they had covertly funded a project with all US automakers for the past five
years.
Whereby the automakers installed black boxes in four wheel drive
pickup trucks in an effort to determine the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
before a fatal crash.

 
They were surprised to find that in 49 of 50 states, plus the
Lower Peninsula of Michigan, the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal
crashes were "Oh Shit"

However, In Michigan's Upper Peninsula, 89.3 percent of the time
the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this"

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees
game.The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them
 leans over and whispers in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton pauses, then grabs
 Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She
 falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities.The
 President shakes hands of those near him and gets 'high five's'. The
 Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said,
 they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his
deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices
off the man's penis. Angrily the woman tosses the penis out the
window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a man in a pickup truck with his 10 year
old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis
smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off. Surprised, the
daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a
tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute
she says, "It sure had a big dick!"

> Top ten party games for old folks
>
> 1. Sag, You're it
> 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
> 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
> 4. Kick the Bucket
> 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over
> 6. Doc, Doc Goose
> 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
> 8. Hide and Go Pee
> 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
> 10. Musical Recliners

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn:
>
> We polish the Polish furniture.
>
> He could lead if he would get the lead out.
>
> A farm can produce produce.
>
> The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
>
> The soldier decided to desert in the desert, right after his dessert.
>
> The present is a good time to present the present.
>
> At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
>
> The dove dove into the bushes.
>
> I did not object to the object.
>
> The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
>
> The bandage was wound around the wound.
>
> There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
>
> They were too close to the door to close it.
>
> The buck does funny things when the does are present.
>
> They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
>
> To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
>
> The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
>
> After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
>
> I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
>
> I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
>
> How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
>
> I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

HILLBILLY FIRST AID
 >> Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite
 >
 >> watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned
 >around
 >>
 >> to see a lady, a few barstools down, turning blue from wolfing down a
 >possum
 >>
 >> burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta'
 >> help?" "I reckon," said the second hick. The First hillbilly got up and
 >> walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head
 >no.
 >> "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that he
 >helped
 >> her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was
 >so
 >>
 >> shocked; she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great
 >
 >> relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny
 >how
 >> that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time.

>"The Irate Customer"
>
>For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer,
>this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special'
>customers we all love!
>
>An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for
>being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a
>passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
>
>A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a
>long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger
>pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter
>and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
>The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
>but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
>work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,
>so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea
>who I am?"
>
>Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
>address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her
>voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at
>the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
>identity, please come to the gate."
>
>With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
>glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
> >1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the
> >last oil change.
> >2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> >3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> >maintained vehicle.
> >
> >Money spent: $25.00 for oil change
> >$1.00 for coffee
> > ____________________
> >Total = $26.00
> >
> >Oil Change instructions for Men:
> >1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for
> >oil, filter, kitty litter,hand cleaner and a scented tree.
> >2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
> >it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
> >3) Open a beer and drink it.
> >4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> >5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> >6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> >7) Place drain pan under engine.
> >8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> >9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> >10) Unscrew drain plug.
> >11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in
> >process.
> >12) Clean up mess.
> >13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> >14) Look for oil filter wrench.
> >15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
> >16) Beer.
> >17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
> >tomorrow.
> >18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
> >19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> >20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
> >21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> >22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
> >to gasket surface.
> >23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> >24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> >25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> >26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
> >along with drain plug.
> >27) Drink beer.
> >28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
> >29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
> >30) Drink beer.
> >31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on
> >frame.
> >32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
> >33) Begin cussing fit.
> >34) Throw wrench.
> >35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
> >(1992) in the left boob.
> >35) Beer.
> >36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
> >blood flow.
> >37) Beer.
> >38) Beer.
> >39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> >40) Beer.
> >41) Lower car from jack stands.
> >42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
> >43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> >during step 23.
> >44) Beer.
> >45) Test drive car.
> >46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> >47) Car gets impounded.
> >48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
> >
> >Money spent: $50.00 parts
> >$25.00 beer
> >$75.00 replacement set of jack stands: hey the colors have to
> >match !!!!
> >$1,000.00 Bail
> >$200.00 Impound and towing fee
> > _________________________________________________________________
> >Total = $ 1,350.00

>> Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
 >let her.
 >
 >> As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
 >appears, and promises to
 >> provide Cinderella with everything she
 >> needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
 >>
 >> "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the
 >second condition?" "You
 >> must be home by 2 a.m. Any
 >> later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella
 >agrees to be home by 2
 >> a.m.
 >>
 >> The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
 >Finally, at 5 a.m.,
 >> Cinderella shows up, looking
 >> love-struck and very satisfied.
 >
 >> "Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. Your diaphragm
 >was supposed to turn into
 >> a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
 >>
 >> I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I
 >know of no prince with
 >> that kind of power! Tell me his
 >> name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or
 >other...."