Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to
have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious
underworld figure, Arturo Pezzovante, better known as "Artie the Arm."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie
insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet,
displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed,
rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment
for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway
grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded
to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses
behind, Artie strangled the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras
and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the
police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under
intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid
plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
> > (scroll down)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > DRUM ROLL
> >
> >
> >
> > (PAUSE)
> >
> >
> >
> > And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > [You're going to hate me for this]:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided
to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young
attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city
center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would
pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained
the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the
living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about you're husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that's thats been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After
stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's
staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or
underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris.
"Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and
you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked
into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she
lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't!!
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING --
>> >> Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur
>> >> at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the
>> >> House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein,
>> >> including, but not limited to a mouse.
>> >> > > >
>> >> A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been
>> >> affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope
>> >> and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/ St. Nicholas AKA/ Santa Claus
>> >> (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
>> >> > > >
>> >> The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned
>> >> House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in
>> >> nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein vision of
>> >> confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts
>>and/or
>> >> sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
>> >> > > >
>> >> Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
>> >> referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the
>> >> House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and
>> >> said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such
>> >> time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g.,
>> >> kerchief and cap.)
>> >> > > >
>> >> Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur
>> >> upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to
>> >> said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature,
>> >> cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did
>> >> immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the
>> >> cause of such disturbance.
>> >> > > >
>> >> At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
>> >> degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
>> >> "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
>> >> air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
>> >> appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
>> >> > > >
>> >> Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
>> >> guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically
>> >> identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer,
>> >> Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter
>> >> "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted
>> >> that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph"may have been
>>involved.)
>> >> > > >
>> >> The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
>> >> intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
>> >> residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,
>> >> and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys
>> >> and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior
>> >> invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
>> >> arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
>> >> > > >
>> >> Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
>> >> with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing
>> >> a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
>> >> items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe
>> >> in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
>> >> > > >
>> >> Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
>> >> the children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys
>> >> and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute
>> >> "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the
>> >> US Tax Code.)
>> >> > > >
>> >> Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose
>> >> and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House
>> >> to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as
>> >> "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
>> >> > > >
>> >> However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
>> >> said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state
>> >> and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
>> >> Or words to that effect.
workers and 50 lesbians in the same room? A hundred
people who don't do dick.
guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a
dozen donuts.
She's the one who can eat the last donut!
ladies? A bingo machine.
of old wives' tails...
Do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by
a period.
she can have a doggie bag for later.
Cough, gag, choke, etc.
order any furniture cuz there's two nuts pushing an
organ up the hallway.
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to
get it out!
penis in a knot? "How come?"
punishment for enjoying sex.
never see you coming.
capture the moment.
and be Mary!
closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
others shoulders? A scrotum pole!
many thank you notes to write.
Mennonite!
Is it in?
Rejected Hallmark Cards
>>> > 1. So your daughter's a hooker,
>>> > and it spoiled your day...
>>> > Look at the bright side,
>>> > she's a really good lay.
>>> >
>>> > 2. My tire was thumping....
>>> > I thought it was flat....
>>> > when I looked at the tire....
>>> > I noticed your cat... Sorry
>>> >
>>> > 3. You had your bladder removed
>>> > and you're on the mends....
>>> > here's a bouquet of flowers
>>> > and a box of Depends.
>>> >
>>> > 4. You've announced that you're gay,
>>> > won't that be a laugh,
>>> > when they find out you're one
>>> > of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
>>> >
>>> > 5. Happy Vasectomy!
>>> > Hope you feel zippy!
>>> > 'Cause when I had mine
>>> > I got real snippy.
>>> >
>>> > 6. Heard your wife left you...
>>> > How upset you must be...
>>> > But don't fret about it ....
>>> > She moved in with me
>>> >
>>> > 7. Your computer is dead...
>>> > it was once so alive
>>> > Don't you regret installing
>>> > Windows 95?
>>> >
>>> > 8. You totaled your car...
>>> > and can't remember why...
>>> > could it have been...
>>> > that case of Bud Dry?
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a
parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed
like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked,
excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop
owner's reply. The shop owner held a match under the parrot's left foot
andChet began to sing: "Jingle Bells!
Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the
parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
"Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran
home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw
her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he
talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the
young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as
the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and
out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we
hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it."
He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between
Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little
parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life): "Chet's
nuts roasting on an open fire...."
Subject: Fw: bonus question
> The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
> chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor
shared
> it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it
> as well.
>
> Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs
> heat)?
>
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,(gas
> cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
> variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need
> to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
> leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it
> will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
>
> As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
> religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
> that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
> Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not
> belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
> With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in
> Hell to
> increase exponentially.
>
> Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law
> states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
> same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
>
> This gives two possibilities:
>
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
>
> 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
> souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
> freezes over.
>
> So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa
Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I
> sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not
> succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
>
> The student received the only "A" given.
CHANGING POSITIONS
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: That's a good idea.
YOU stand by the ironing board or the kitchen sink
and I'LL lay on the sofa, hold the TV remote, and fart.
She is horrified to see another woman screaming in pain as St. Peter drills holes into her
shoulders to fasten the wings.
Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
"Screw You!" she tells St. Peter.
"I'll go to the other place."
"You don't want to go there," he replies.
"They'll rape and sodomize you down there."
"I don't care" she answers.
"At least I already have the holes for that!"