[scene: everyone pouring back into the Reikai Theater] Koenma: The intermission is over! George: Welcome back, mina-san! And have we got a wonderful story to start the second act with! Koenma: Which will be narrated for your pleasure by the incomparable George Saotome! George (facefaulting): WHAT?! Why am I narrating it, Koenma-sama? Koenma: Because I play a role in it again. George: What's this story about again, anyway? Koenma: A woman gets her heart's desire with the help of a weird little man, but he later demands her baby in payment for his services. George: And I suppose you play the baby, Koenma-sama. Koenma: Well, actually, I do. George: Typecasting. Koenma: At any rate, this is the story of "Rumplestiltskin." (leaves) George: How in the Reikai am I supposed to pronounce that? Ranporusutiruchikin-kun Once upon a time, there was a king who was exceedingly gloomy, despite having his own private ninja clan and more riches than any one person ought to have. [mournful music begins playing] Part of the reason he was so gloomy was because he was incredibly lonely. [scene shows Sakyou sitting on a throne and Yuusuke standing by] Yuusuke: I just wanted you to know, your Majesty, that we will do anything we can to serve your Sad and Lonely self, in this Sad and Lonely time. Sakyou: Can you do something about that Gloomy Music? Yuusuke: KILL THE SOUND!!!!!! [orchestra stops] Sakyou: Thank you! Yuusuke: My pleasure. Sakyou: Lord Yuusuke, what is the best cure for loneliness? Yuusuke: Get married, your Majesty. Sakyou: You are not yourself married. Yuusuke: I will be, as soon as I have some money to support us with. Sakyou: Okay, I guess I'll get married then. Yuusuke: Very good, your Majesty. Oh, drat! As the Lord Chancellor, it's MY responsibility to find the king a bride. Sakyou: I want to marry someone... special. Yuusuke: Someone special. I'll go find someone like that right away. Sakyou: Do that and I'll make you a baron. Yuusuke (thinking): A baron! That means I can marry Keiko! [aloud] Yosh'! And so the fairest maidens in the land gathered to try and marry the king. Jin: My cousin can do quantum physics and chew gum at the same time. Yuusuke: I'll consider her. Koto, right? Next! Yukina: Even among the graduates of the Kotobuki-Tendou School of cookery, my cooking is said to be unique! [innocent smile] Yuusuke (mutters): We want the king married, not dead... [aloud] Sorry, you're not quite what we're looking for. BUT, go around to the back, knock on the door marked 'Toguro Ninja Clan Office,' and tell them you're applying for the job of Poison Expert. [muttered] Mom's been bitching at me ever since their Demolitions Expert blew up the last one... Yukina: Thank you very much! [starts off] Yuusuke: Next! Mukuro: I am a master of the nose-flute, and I will play the Star Wars theme for you. [Mukuro calmly inserts the instrument into her nostrils and begins to snort] Mukuro: Yuusuke: 'ScusemeImverysorrybutIhavetogovisitthecanrightNOW! [runs offstage] [Hysterical laughter is heard from offstage] It seemed that every maiden in the land was trying out. Yuusuke: And the special thing about *you* is -- KURAMA?? Kurama: The special thing about me is that I'm actually a guy wearing an old dress of Kaasan's. Yuusuke: Why are you IN this contest? Kurama: The king has all sorts of treasures in his palace. If I could get in under some pretext, I could snarf them. Yuusuke: AAARGHH! Shizuru (at back of line): Kazuma, whatever possessed you to enter me for this? Kuwabara: It'll work out. Shizuru: And *what* am I supposed to say when he asks me what makes me special? Kuwabara: Don't worry, I'll think of something. Shizuru: That's what I'm afraid of... Yuusuke: And what does your friend do? Rando: Julie gargles to the tune of "Hohoemi no Bakudan." Julie: (it IS in tune) Yuusuke: NEXT! Kuwabara: I am the Great Kuwabara Kazuma, and this is my sister Shizuru. Yuusuke: What does *she* do? Kuwabara: She... well, she... you see, she... Yuusuke (impatient): What? Kuwabara: She spins straw into gold. [simultaneously:] Shizuru: WHAT??? Yuusuke: Straw into *what*? Kuwabara: Gold. She spins straw into gold. Shizuru (in low tone): Kazuma, are you out of your mind? You know I -- Yuusuke: Wow! That's really *special*! Come meet the king! Shizuru: -- don't mind if I do. [Yuusuke leads them into the throne room] Yuusuke: Your Majesty, this is Shizuru. Shizuru and King Sakyou took one look at each other and fell Instantly, Deeply, Wildly, and Passionately In Love, which meant they stopped dead and exhibited all the intelligence of brain-damaged sheep. Kuwabara: Yes, she's Shizuru, sister of Kuwabara Kazuma, and I, of course, am The Great Kuwabara Kazuma, her brother, and she's my sister, and you're the king, and you're the -- Yuusuke: [Yuusuke and Kuwabara start scuffling] Sakyou: Shizuru-san! Wherefore art thou Shizuru-san? Shizuru: Sakyou-san! Wherefore art thou Sakyou-san? [The dust settles, revealing Yuusuke sitting on a prone Kuwabara] Yuusuke: You haven't heard the best part yet. She can spin straw into gold! Sakyou (who has obviously not been paying attention): Do you think tonight's too soon to hold the wedding? Shizuru: The staff need *some* time to prepare. How about tomorrow? Yuusuke: Hey, wait a minute! We need a test! Shizuru: Test? Kuwabara: Test? Sakyou: Test? Shizuru (suspiciously): What do you mean, test? Yuusuke: To prove you can spin straw into gold, of course. Shi & Ku: Oh. That test. Sakyou: If Shizuru-san says she can do it, she can do it. Yuusuke (dragging Shizuru along by the arm): Come along! [throws open door] Here! [The two walk into a HUGE room full of straw bales. And one spinning wheel] Yuusuke: Okay, start spinning. Shizuru: I can't do it with anyone WATCHING. Yuusuke: Fine. Spin this all into gold by morning. Shizuru: Just out of curiosity, what would happen if I didn't do it? Yuusuke: We'd throw you in the dungeon for lying and forget about you for a couple decades. Shizuru: Good thing I can, then. Yuusuke: Now, I've got a barony and wedding riding on this, so do it right! [slams door] [Shizuru sobs brokenheartedly] Hiei: Why are you crying? Shizuru: AAAEHH! [jumps two feet into air] Shizuru: You startled me, appearing out of nowhere like that! Hiei: You *never* cry. Shizuru: It's in the script. 'Shizuru sobs brokenheartedly.' [looks at him speculatively] I don't suppose you can spin straw into gold? Hiei: What's in it for me? Shizuru: Hmmm... what do I have of value on me? Hiei: How about that charm bracelet? Shizuru: Okay. Here you go. [Shizuru lies down on some bales. Hiei picks up a handful of straw and tentatively approaches the spinning wheel. He stomps on the pedal a few times and tries to feed the straw directly onto the wheel, with predictable results] Hiei (muttering): Ittai doo kore o suru n daroo? Despite the strange little man's profane inquiries to that effect, the spinning wheel did not reveal the secrets of its operation. Shizuru: *Now* he tells me... Look, the thread goes *there*, okay? I'm absolutely worn out, so I'll go to sleep and have R-rated dreams about [all sense drains out of her face] Sakyou-san... Shizuru went to sleep, and the strange little man looked at the straw in his hand. Then he looked at the spinning wheel. Then he dropped the handful of straw and proceeded to glare at the straw bales. He glared so ferociously that they didn't dare *not* become gold, so they did. Hey, Koenma-sama... think we could get him to glare at Great-Aunt Amenouzume's epergne? Koenma (offstage): Maybe... and we could get him to do those hideous candlesticks my cousin Benten unloaded on us... Hiei: Don't even THINK about it. Koenma: Oh, well. When morning came, the strange little man was gone. Shizuru woke up. Shizuru (sitting up): > Ughhh, I still have kinks in my back... guess that's what you get for sleeping on bales of gold... GOLD! [Shizuru jumps up and starts running around] Shizuru: Gold! Gold! It's gold! Yuusuke (opening door): Now what's this -- GOLD! Shizuru (in Yukina-ish voice): I can marry Sakyou-san now? Yuusuke: Not so fast! You'd better do another roomful to prove that it isn't a trick of some kind, while *I* watch over *this* gold. Shizuru: But -- Yuusuke: Another roomful, or the dungeon! Shizuru: Ah, k'so. And so that night Shizuru was left in an even bigger room full of straw and a spinning wheel. Shizuru: Moshimoshi? Weird little man? Are you there? Hiei: Who're ya calling *little*? Shizuru: I'm terribly sorry. Would you please turn all this straw into gold? Hiei: Why should I? Shizuru: Well, um, you can have my gold necklace -- Hiei: Trash. I can steal five better in an hour. Shizuru: What will you take, then? If it doesn't become gold, I won't be able to marry [dreamily] Sakyou-san... Hiei: If you set up with this guy, you'll probably have kids, right? Shizuru: Ye-es... Hiei: Give me the first one when it's born and we'll call it a deal. Shizuru: Are You Out Of Your Mind? Hiei: That's the deal, neesan. Take it or leave it. Yuusuke's voice (echoing): Another roomful, or the dungeon! Shizuru: I have no choice. I will do as you ask. [aside] Maybe I can find a loophole between now and then... And so the strange little man glared the other roomful of straw into gold, and Shizuru married King Sakyou. They were extremely happy together, and were held up as models everywhere. [Throne room of castle, Koto interviewing Shizuru] Koto: And what would you say is the secret of your happiness? Shizuru: Two people who are really in love are always willing to give a little for each other. For instance, Sakyou-san did not like my habit of calling him my dark knight of loving, and I could not STAND his Zoo of Death. So we sold it to the highest bidder -- some guy from Florin, wonder where HE got the money -- and now my dark knight of loving and I are even happier! And then eventually Queen Shizuru got -- I can't read this word, but I guess she got knocked up -- [George is hit in the head with a flying (full) beer can] Shizuru: Watch your language, idiot! Well, anyway, she had a baby, and he grew in size and favor with his parents and everyone, until one day... [Shizuru is cuddling Koenma on her lap and making silly baby noises at him, which he repeats] Hiei (appearing out of nowhere): I'm back. Hand over the brat. Shizuru: WHAT?? NEVER! [squushes Koenma to her] Hiei: We had a deal. Shizuru: Over My Dead Body. Hiei: Ch'. Queen Shizuru resorted to her final and most terrifying weapon. She burst into violent tears. The baby started crying too, partly because his mother was and partly because having his ribs squeezed out of position *hurt*. Hiei (freaked): Okay, okay, I'll give you a chance. Shizuru: Oh? Hiei: If you can guess my name, you can keep the kid. If not, I get him. Shizuru: But that's easy! It's... that is, it's... what did you say it was again? Hiei: Oh no you don't. I'll give you three days, but then the kid belongs to ME. [vanishes in a ball of flame] The queen knew she was going to need help on this one, so she called together her husband, her brother, and the lord chancellor, and told them the whole story. Yuusuke: So you really *can't* spin straw into gold? Shizuru (sniffling): No. Yuusuke (taking her arm): All right, off to the dungeon! Sakyou: Hold it, hold it! Yu & Shi: What? Sakyou: I didn't marry Shizuru-san because she could spin straw into gold. All: YOU DIDN'T??? Sakyou: No! I married Shizuru-san because... [sighs dreamily; face loses any sign of intelligence] I love her. Shizuru: Sakyou-san! Wherefore art thou Sakyou-san? Sakyou: Shizuru-san! Wherefore art thou Shizuru-san? Kuwabara: Oh, no, they're at it again. Yuusuke: You should talk. Sakyou: Oi! Niiinnnjaaaa! Six people zapped in from all sides of the screen to kneel before Sakyou. [The people are the Toguro brothers, Karasu, Bui, Atsuko, and Yukina. They're all dressed in black, although Yukina has merely put Hiei's coat on over her normal clothes; well, they're all *in* black, as I don't see HOW you can call what Atsuko -- ] Yuusuke: MOM! You call THAT ninja-fuku -- The lord chancellor's mother stood up, revealing that her outfit consisted entirely of black spangles, black feathers, and black glittery netting. Oh, wow. Oh, man. Where'd I put that handkerchief again? Atsuko: The tradition of kunoichi being geisha is OLD, brat. There aren't any geisha in Europe, so I'm the cultural equivalent. 'Let me entertain you, let me make you smile...' Shizuru: Shut up, Atsuko. Atsuko: Yes, Your Majesty, ma'am. [sighs theatrically] Oh, maaan. Yuusuke: GEORGE! WILL YA STOP LOOKIN' AT MOM LIKE THAT! Oh, sorry -- I really am most terribly sorry -- Toguro: Sorry, Your Majesty, but we have no idea what that strange little man's name might be. Sakyou: How did you know what I was going to ask? Bui: We *are* ninja, after all. Karasu: I could blow him up...? T (ani): I don't think you're fast enough. Shut up, idiot. Karasu: Yukina: Let's ask everyone else for help. Kuwabara: It couldn't hurt... And so everyone in the kingdom tried to figure out what the weird little man's name could be. [song: "Gotta Get That Name" from *Muppet Classic Theater*] Hiei: Hn. Yuusuke: Is it possibly Tarou? Hiei: No. Now hand over the brat. Shizuru: It isn't fair! Hiei: Fair! If life were fair, would certain bastards go around kidnapping innocent girls to weep treasure for them? Would my mother have sent me off to summer camp when I was five hours old and left me to stay there year-round till I was twenty-three? Would I have a name like -- Everyone: Hiei: Hn. Thought I'd say it, ne? Shizuru: Wait a moment... *summer camp*... Grab him! [Kurama, Shiori, and the Toguro Ninja tackle Hiei] Shizuru: You said your mother sent you to *summer camp*. And every good mother, when she sends a kid off to summer camp, [Atsuko and Shiori chime in] Shi^2 & A: ...*sews his name inside his clothes*... [Everyone hanging onto Hiei proceeds to start tugging on his clothes] Shizuru: ... Hah! Take *that*, kono Giorgio Armani! Hiei: Chigau zo. Shizuru: Oh, wait, wrong label -- [More riffling through Hiei's clothes] Shizuru (flabbergasted): -- Rumplestiltskin? Kuwabara: Hiei: [tries to jump Kuwabara, and is only held back by the combined efforts of the eight people] Sakyou: Shizuru-san! Wherefore art thou Shizuru-san? Shizuru: Sakyou-san! Wherefore art thou Sakyou-san? Keiko: Here they go again... Yukina: What did you want the baby for anyway, Rumplestiltskin-san? Hiei: Mukuro's birthday's comin' up. I asked Yomi what she'd like for a present, and he said she'd probably like it If I gave her a baby. [Entire cast falls over in shock] Sakyou: I... don't... think... Atsuko: Isn't Mukuro a very busy woman? I don't think she'd have the time to put into taking care of a baby. Hiei (very surprised): Taking care of babies is work? Shiori: Oh goodness yes. It's a full-time career in and of itself. Hiei: Ano Yomi no yatsu... Kurama (draping arm over Hiei's shoulders): C'mon... let me explain a few things to you... And so they all lived happily ever after. With the exception of Yomi, of course. I don't *want* to know what they did to him; I'd hate to have to bring them up on charges! -------------------------- Koenma: Another good narration, Saotome-kun! George: Thank you, Koenma-sama... you're doing the next one? Koenma: Yes, I will be. Shizuru-san, that was a wonderful acting job! Shizuru: Thank you. George: However did you counterfeit that drooling lovestruck idiocy? Shizuru: Oh, that was easy. I just imitated Kazuma. Kuwabara: Yeah, that was eas-- HEY! Koenma: The next tale's going to star Yuusuke... well, THERE comes a bomb... [from audience] Maiji: Did you say 'bomb'? Koenma and George, severally: NO! NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! Maiji: You didn't? Koenma: No, we were just talking about the next skit, the one that's going to star Yuusuke. Maiji: Yuusuke? COOL! COOL! [pause] Maiji: Are you *sure* you didn't say 'bomb'? George: Yes, I'm sure. Maiji: Oh well... you can't win them all... George: That's unique... this story has two morals. Koenma: I'd like to hear what you think they are. George: One, never annoy Maiji-dono, Koenma: I'll give you that one. George: and two, Yomi has a weird sense of humor. Never ask him for advice on birthday presents. Koenma: I don't know WHAT my father's going to say to me... ************************** Yuu Yuu Hakusho belongs to Togashi Yoshihiro, Studio Pierrot, Fuji TV, Shounen Jump, and whatever that one company was. I don't know those kanji. The song and the Muppet Show itself belong to Henson Associates. Maiji belongs to herself, last I checked. All I claim is the idea of putting these disparate elements together .