Koenma: Due to suggestions from three of the Spirit Girls and some of the stage crew, our third tale will be a traditional Japanese one. George: Writing notes threatening strike unless we moderate our unholy fascination with gaikoku culture is "suggestions," Koenma-sama? Koenma: Shh... my father might hear you... George: And due to overwhelming requests and bribes of Possible Actual Dates Unless They Change Their Minds on the part of the Cute Vampire Girl Sisterhood, this story will feature Kurama. CVGS (in audience): Woohoo! Koenma: Our tale is "The Clever Man." Chieari-dono Mukashi-mukashi, in a village in the Kantou area, there lived a clever man. [Kurama looks up from his gardening and waves] Kurama: How do you do? Now this man was so widely recognized as clever that whenever anyone in the village had a problem, they took it to him. Rinku (running up): I ate all the candy I wasn't supposed to touch! This is terrible! This is awful! It's a disaster! Kurama: Calm down. There's no need to get so excited. Rinku: But my parents told me it was poison so I wouldn't touch it, and I knew they were lying, and I ate some, and it was so good I ate it ALL! And they're coming back at sundown, and what am I to DO??? Kurama: Go back to your house and accidentally-on-purpose break something. When your parents come home, tell them you broke it by accident and felt so bad that you wanted to kill yourself. So you ate some of that poison they warned you about, but you've eaten it all and you're *still* not dead! Rinku: Wow! Thanks! He was always available to solve these important problems, day or night, rain or shine. [Kurama, working on the garden in the rain] Kuwabara (running up): It's a leak in the roof! This is terrible! This is awful! It's a disaster! Kurama: Calm down. There's no need to get so excited. Kuwabara: But the water's coming in from the roof and making a big puddle on the floor! Kurama: Of course. Put a jar under the leak. Then when it stops raining, put a big piece of tile over the hole. Kuwabara: Wow! I never would have thought of that! Some problems, of course, were more important than others. George: Is Kuwabara really that dumb? Kuwabara: HA! My excellent acting techniques and marvelous characterization have completely deceived you! And certain little morons who shall be unnamed said I couldn't act! One evening a certain guy, whom we shall call "Yuusuke," was coming home after a long day of work, when he heard his wife talking with someone. Keiko: No, I don't know when my husband will be back. I told you that already. Would you mind distancing yourself a bit? What are you *doing*? No! Stop it! DON'T! Yuusuke: Kono yaroo... [Yuusuke kicks the door open and socks a figure silhouetted against the light. The figure falls to the floor] Keiko (at other end of room): My husband's *dinner* --- [pause. Keiko walks over and bends down over the figure, lying on its face. She straightens] Keiko: Nice going, baka. You've just killed Yomi. Yuusuke: Oops. Since they knew they would get into trouble if this were discovered, they immediately consulted the clever man. Yuusuke and Keiko (running up): We've killed Yomi! This is terrible! This is awful! It's a disaster! Kurama: Calm down. There's no need to get so excited. Yuusuke: No need?! What are you taking, and where can I get some? Keiko: BAKA! What are we to do, Kurama-kun? Kurama: All right, all right, leave everything to me. Take me to the body. [Keiko and Yuusuke lead Kurama to their home. He picks up the stiffening Yomi and walks off] The clever man carried the body to a house where the young men of the village were gambling. Kuwabara: We're NOT gambling, and don't you dare imply to my sister that we are. Well, what *are* you doing with those dice? Touya: We're playing Dungeons and Dragons, of course. Jin: Hiei's the Dungeon Master. Hiei: The sand in the gears of the hidden trapdoor that the large idiot is standing on finally wears away. He falls into a well full of alligators. Kuwabara: Who elected the little shrimp DM, anyway??? Shishiwakamaru: The Danjan Meijin is selected by the natural leadership aptitude test apparent in lupine domination battles, in which the loser is unable finally to meet the other's eyes. Chuu: HUH??? Rinku: He outglared everyone else. Sheesh... the clever man carried the body to a house where the young men of the village were role-playing. [Kurama sets Yomi's body up against the doors of the house] He rattled the windows a little and went away. [The fox grows himself a nice long whippy branch of some kind or other and whacks the windows with them a couple times. Conversation inside the house continues] Touya, Jin, and Chuu: You bastard! You killed Rinku! Rinku: I swear, this is getting to be monotonous. Every time we play, no matter who's DM, I get killed. I don't think the gods like me very much. Beautiful Martial Artist Suzuki: I wonder who's the god in charge of Dungeons and Dragons. Shuuichi the younger: *I* wonder who's making all that noise at the windows. Shura: I bet it's a spy. Somebody go out and kill them. Rinku: Who gets to do that? Chuu, Jin, Touya, Shura, and Suzuki: Me me me! Shishiwakamaru: As this is taking place in the course of the session, it would seem logical that the Danjan Meijin assign the responsibility of liquidation. Kuwabara and Chuu: Huh? Shuuichi the younger: Hiei-san? Who? Hiei: The idiot, since he's dead already, goes and takes out the spy. Unless it's somebody's sister. Kuwabara: Just what do you mean by calling me an idiot, you -- [Kurama whacks the windows rather more loudly] Kuwabara: We'll determine just WHAT you are when I return from successfully completing my mission. [Kurama very elaborately sneaks off] And so one of the young men -- let us call him "Kuwabara" -- nobly strode out of the back door to make short work of the spy. Kuwabara: Who are you? What are you doing here? [silence] Kuwabara: Answer me! [silence] Kuwabara: Speak now, or be prepared for the wrath of the great Kuwabara Kazuma to smite you! [silence] Kuwabara: ALL RIGHT, THAT DOES IT! [socks Yomi] [Yomi falls over] Kuwabara: Hoboy. All the young men came out to see and saw the body of Yomi, who was the headman of the village, lying there. Shishiwakamaru: We have done something foolish. We have killed Yomi. Beautiful Martial Artist Suzuki: You're slipping. That was actually understandable. Shura: Did you say my father was dead? Touya: I am sorry, but I'm afraid he is. Shura: If the old man's dead, then... I'M THE LORD OF THE CATS! And with that, Yomi's young son made a sail of his ass and took off running. [He did, too! ^_^ ] Jin: Are, what got into *his* shorts? Shuuichi the younger: Does it matter? We're in terrible horrible trouble. What do we do about it? Hiei: Go bother the clever man. Rinku: K'so. How come we never think of things like that? Kuwabara: Dunno, Rinku. Guess our brains must be too highly educated. And so, in a few minutes... Young men (well, except Hiei): We've killed Yomi! This is terrible! This is awful! It's a disaster! Kurama: Calm down. There's no need to get so excited. Shuuichi the younger: But we'll get into terrible horrible trouble! Niisan, help us! Kurama: All right, all right, leave everything to me. Take me to the body. [The guys lead Kurama to the house, where he picks up the now-limp Yomi and walks off] George: Koenma-sama, how come he's not stiff any more? Because Kuwabara socked him with enough force to knock him out of the rigor mortis. George: Oh. I'm used to dealing with the souls of dead people, not their bodies. This time, the clever man carried Yomi's body to his own home and knocked at the door. Kurama (imitating a drunk Yomi): Tadaima! Open up! Botan (inside house): Will not. A guy like you who stays out till all hours doesn't deserve to come home. Kurama: Zhen... zhen... zhen I'll jump inna well an' drown myshel. Sherf ya righ'. Botan: You do that. Let me get my beauty sleep. The clever man threw the body into the garden well and ran home. [SPLASH] Botan: Uh-oh... you don't suppose... [Young Genkai runs out and looks in the well] Young Genkai: He really did, ma'am. That is one dead husband you have there. Botan (crying): If I'd opened the door and let him in, this wouldn't have happened. What am I going to DO? Hinageshi: Take him back and trade him in on a newer model? Botan: This is NOT Monty Python's Flying Circus. Hinageshi: It *isn't*? Botan: NO. Hinageshi: I suppose you should go to the clever man, then. And so Yomi's wife and her two maids went to the house of the clever man. Botan (pounding on door): I've killed my husband! This is terrible! This is awful! It's a disaster! Kurama: Calm down. There's no need to get so excited. [opens door] Botan: You're that clever? Kurama: Let me put it this way. You've heard of Koushi? Einstein? Berg Katse? Three girls: Ye-es... Kurama: Morons. [Song-and-dance number: "Photon-Proton Synchrotron" from *Tenchi Kaibyaku Jikuu Michiyuki* (the Tenchi CD Special)] Kurama: I'm sorry you didn't understand. Botan: All this stuff is really interesting... But what am I going to DO? [bursts out crying again] Kurama (puts arms around Botan): There, there... I'll take care of everything, don't worry... [pats her on back] Botan (looking up, eyes sparkling in her tear-streaked face): Really? Young Genkai (aside): Wonder how he'll get out of *this* one? Hinageshi (aside): I don't know... let's sell tickets. The clever man told the woman to heat a kettle of water and put her husband in the bathtub to steam him up. He then went to get the healer. Kurama (knocking on door): Yukina-chan? You're wanted. Yukina: What is it? Kurama: Yomi's got a rotten fever. Yukina: I'll be right there. The healer came rushing over and took his pulse. Yukina: He's dead, Botan. There's nothing I can do. Botan: I see. Thank you for trying. Would you like something to eat? At last a funeral could be arranged for the gentleman. The clever man received many gifts of thanks from everyone and profited greatly from all that happened. Yuusuke: Listen, Kurama, come over to our house for dinner whenever you like. Keiko: I made you a basket of fried tofu to snack on. Half the young men: Come over and game with us any time. You can be the Dungeon Master. The other half: Take first pick of the game after we come home from hunting. You deserve it. Botan: Please accept this sweater, which I knitted myself. [holds it out to Kurama] Kurama: Uh, sure... thanks... Hiei: If you want I'll hold her while you run. Kurama: What are you talking about? Yuusuke: She's after you. A wealthy widow, and still pretty... you're a lucky dog. Kuwabara: I'll get my sister to help plan it. Maybe she won't bother me so much about getting married then. Shizuru: Pardon *me*... Kurama: But it was just a sweater... Botan: Would you, possibly, care to dine with me tonight? Of course, if you have other things to do, I'll quite understand. It'll be boring, talking with a recent widow. Kurama: No, no, it's fine... Young Genkai: I *really* want to see how he's going to get out of this one. Yomi (offstage): Shura, this is the last time I *ever* let you read a contract for me! Shura: Excuse me, I just thought of a pressing matter in Okinawa which needs my immediate attention. I don't blame him. At any rate, we will now have a brief intermission. Most of the cast: There's an intermission! This is terrible! This is awful! It's a disaster! Kurama: Calm down. There's no need to get so excited. [curtain closes] Kurama (behind curtain): It's just an intermission. You know -- a time for the audience to take a break, walk around, powder their noses, that sort of thing. Yukina (behind curtain): Why would they want to powder their noses, Kurama-san? Kurama: It's a euphemism.... Koenma: Speaking of which, I'll be right back. George: I'm going to go get some snacks. I hear the Yukimura fusai and a couple of youkos have set up a concession stand in the lobby. Koenma: See you next time! Mata ne! -------------------------- YYH people and situations belong to Togashi Yoshihiro, Shueisha, and some other people I can't remember. Tenchi-Muyou! Ryoh-oh-ki belongs to AIC, Kajishima Masaki, Hayashi somebody, and so forth. Monty Python's Flying Circus belong to themselves. Bits of dialogue were borrowed from the works of Douglas Adams and William Goldman because of my great admiration for the works of these gentlemen. I have no money, and what I do I'm saving up to buy these people's stuff and make them rich. Go bother the camera company.