Telephone: Ugh. Good morning. I mean afternoon. Shizuru: This is Kuwabara Shizuru. You forgot to put the disclaimer in the last skit. Sorry about that. I'll put it in with this one. Shizuru: Okay, but remember these things next time, ne? Oh, I *will*. Whatever you say, Miss Kuwabara. -------------------------- Full disclaimers are at the end. Short disclaimer: I own none of this. ************************** [Scene: interior of theater. George and Koenma are sitting in a box next to the stage] George: Well, that was certainly an interesting tale. Koenma: Thank you, George. I'm on in the next one, so I'm counting on you to narrate it. George: ME?! Koenma: Yes, you. You'll do fine! [leaves] George: I hope so, Koenma-sama... Well, this tale is called "The Magic Fishbone." Magyokotsu Once there was a great lord, and he had a consort; [Yuusuke and Keiko wave] and he was the manliest of his sex [Yuusuke throws out his chest], and she was the loveliest of hers [Keiko laughs deprecatingly behind her hand]. The lord was, in his private profession, under government. The consort's father kept a ramen shop out of town. They had nineteen children [enter children] and were always having more. Seventeen of these children took care of the baby [Koenma]; and Yukina, the oldest, took care of them all. Their ages varied from seven years to seven months. [The other children are Hiei, Touya, Hinageshi, Rinku, and every other member of the cast small enough to be believable as a younger sib of Yukina, with the exception of Genkai] Let us now resume our story. One day the lord was going to the office [Yuusuke is wearing an honest-to-goodness suit. I didn't know he *had* one], when he stopped at the fishseller's to buy a pound and a half of salmon not too near the tail, which his consort -- who was a careful housekeeper -- had requested him to send home. Takanaka-sensei: Certainly, o-kyaku-san; is there anything else? Arigatoo gozaimashita. The lord went on towards the office in a melancholy mood, for payday -- which came quarterly -- was such a long way off, and several of the dear children were growing out of their clothes. He had not gone far, when Mr. Takanaka's delivery girl came bicycling up after him in great haste. Shizuru (drawing alongside him and ringing the bell on her bicycle): O-kyaku-san! You didn't notice the old lady in our shop. Yuusuke: What old lady? I didn't see any. Now the lord had not seen the old lady because she had been invisible to him, though visible to the shop girl. Probably because the shop girl splashed the water about so much, and slapped the fish down so violently, that if she hadn't seen the old lady she'd have spoilt the other's clothes. Just then the old lady came trotting up. She was wearing a black cap and a silk gi under a red silk surcoat trimmed with green and purple, smelling of dried lavender. [Genkai bows] Genkai: Lord Yuusuke the First, I believe? Yuusuke: Yuusuke is my name. Genkai: Toosan, if I am not mistaken, of the beautiful Yukina-hime? Yuusuke: And of eighteen other great kids. Genkai: Listen. You are going to the office. Yuusuke (thinking): She must be a fairy. How else could she know that and wear a silk gi with no sweat stains? Genkai: You are right. I am the good Fairy Genkai. Listen up! When you go home for dinner, politely invite Yukina-hime to have some of that salmon you bought just now. Yuusuke: It might disagree with her. [Genkai whacks him one and starts swelling in anger] Yuusuke: Sumanai, baasan! I'm sorry! Genkai (with contempt): We hear a great deal too much about this thing disagreeing and that thing disagreeing. Don't be greedy. I think you want it all yourself. Yuusuke (hanging his head): I won't talk about things disagreeing anymore. Genkai: Be good, then, and don't! When the beautiful Yukina-hime consents to partake of the salmon -- as I believe she will -- you will find she will leave a fishbone on her plate. Tell her to dry it, and to rub it, and to polish it, till it shines like mother-of-pearl, and to take care of it as a present from me. Yuusuke: Is that all? Genkai (severely): Don't be impatient, botchan! Don't catch people short, before they have done speaking. *Just* the way with you grown-up persons. You're always doing it. Yuusuke (hanging his head): I won't do it again. Genkai: Be good, then, and don't! Tell Yukina-himechan, with my love, that the fishbone is a magic present which can only be used once; but that it will bring her, that once, whatever she wishes for, *provided she wishes for it at the right time*. That is the message. Take care of it. Yuusuke: Might I ask the reason -- Genkai (absolutely furious): *Will* you be good, botchan? [kicks Yuusuke ten yards down the street] The reason for this and the reason for that, indeed! You are always wanting the reason. No reason. There! Yareyare, I am sick of your grown up reasons. Yuusuke (scared): Moshiwake gozaimasen! Forgive me, baasan. I won't ask for reasons anymore. Genkai: Be good, then, and don't! [vanishes] And the great lord went on and on and on, until he came to the office. There he wrote and wrote and wrote [on stage, Yuusuke seated at a desk filling out forms and looking like -- well, YOU picture Yuusuke stuck in a salaryman's job doing paperwork day after day after day, and you'll know EXACTLY how he looks], till it was time to go home again. Then he politely invited Yukina-hime, as Genkai had directed, to partake of the salmon. Yuusuke, Keiko, Yukina: Itadakimasu! [start eating] And when she had enjoyed it very much, he saw the fishbone on her plate, as the fairy had told him he would, and he delivered the fairy's message; and Yukina-hime took care to DRY the bone, and to RUB it and to POLISH it, until it shone like mother-of-pearl. [Yukina holds up the polished bone] [Scene change: Keiko in bed. Yukina opens the door and looks in] Yukina: Good morning! When's breakfast? Keiko (sits up): Good -- oh, ughh, my head! [faints] Yukina: Okaasan! The princess was very much alarmed by seeing her noble okaasan in this state, and she rang the bell for Shiori, which was the name of the lord chamberlaine. [Yukina takes the fishbone out of her pocket, looks at it for a long moment, puts it back, and goes to get a chair] But remembering where the smelling-bottle was, she climbed on a chair and got it; and after that she climbed on another chair by the bedside, and held the smelling-bottle to the consort's nose; [When Yukina does so, Keiko coughs, gasps, sits up, tears streaming, leans over the far side of the bed, and is very audibly sick] and after that she jumped down and got some water; and after that she jumped up again and wetted her mother's forehead; [When Yukina does that last, Keiko wiped her own mouth with a wet handkerchief] and, in short, when the lord chamberlaine came in... Shiori (entering): What a good girl you are! I couldn't have done it better myself! But that was not the worst of the good consort's illness. Oh, no! She was very ill indeed, for a long time. Yukina-hime kept the seventeen young noble children quiet, and dressed and undressed and danced the baby, and made the kettle boil, and heated the soup, and swept the hearth, and pured out the medicine, and nursed the noble consort, and did all that ever she could, and was as busy, busy, busy as busy could be; for there were not many servants at that palace for three reasons: because the lord was short of money, because a raise at his job never seemed to come, and because payday was so far off that it looked almost as far off and as little as one of the stars. [While George was talking, the audience saw Yukina running back and forth doing all of these things] After the consort had come out of her swoon that morning, and was dozing, Yukina-hime hurried upstairs to tell a most particular secret to a most particular friend of hers, who was a court lady. [Yukina enters her bedroom. Botan is sitting on the bed with her back against the wall, doing her best impression of either Coppelia or the doll from the "Presence" short of *Robot Carnival* -- is there any difference?] People did suppose her to be a doll; but she was really a court lady, although nobody knew it except Yukina-hime. This most particular secret was the secret about the magic fishbone, the secret of which was well known to the court lady, because the princess told her everything. [Yukina leans over and whispers in Botan's ear. Botan smiles and nods] People might have supposed that she never smiled and nodded; but she often did, though nobody knew it except the princess. Then Yukina-hime hurried downstairs again to keep watch in her mother's room. She often kept watch by herself in the consort's room; but every evening, while the illness lasted, she sat there watching with the great lord. [Yuusuke and Yukina sit on chairs by the bed. Keiko moans, and Yuusuke helps her sit up (one arm behind her back) and holds a cup of water to her lips so she can drink. He says something that must have been outrageous, because she feints a blow at him and he cowers exaggeratedly.] And every evening the lord sat looking at her with a cross look, wondering why she never brought out the magic fishbone. [Yuusuke helps Keiko lie down again, puts the cup down, and fixes Yukina with a look that is at once both annoyed and expectant. Yukina gets up, takes the cup to the kitchen, and runs upstairs to her room, where she whispers to Botan again] Yukina: They think we children never have a reason or a meaning! [Botan winks at her] One evening... [In Keiko's bedroom. Yukina gets up] Yukina: Good night, Otoosan. [starts to leave] Yuusuke: Yukina-chan. Yukina: Yes, Otoosan? Yuusuke: What has become of the magic fishbone? Yukina: In my pocket, Otoosan. Yuusuke: I thought you had lost it? Yukina: Oh, no, Otoosan! Yuusuke: Or forgotten it? Yukina: No, indeed, Otoosan. And so another time the dreadful little snapping pug-dog, next door, made a rush at one of the noble children as he stood on the steps coming home from school, [Hiei is on the steps, wearing one of Kurama's elementary school uniforms and looking decidedly ticked off about having to wear it. All of a sudden, something jumps right at him from the side, barely covered by peripheral vision] and startled him immensely; [Hiei jumps to be ready to meet this new threat, and puts his right hand right through one of the panes of glass by the door. While Hiei is carefully removing his hand so as not to slice it up any more, the rotten dog manages to move out of sight just in time to avoid being transformed from Dreadful Little Snapping Pug-Dog to Charred Smear On The Ground] and he bled, bled, bled. When the seventeen other young noble children saw him bleed, bleed, bleed, they were terrified out of their wits; 17 Children: [Hiei glares at his "younger siblings"] 17 Children: [Yukina comes and puts her hands over each of the seventeen children's mouths in turn] Yukina: Shizuka ni... Okaasan's sick, you don't want to worry her by making noise. The noise hurts Okaasan's head. Shizuka ni shite kudasai... [Yukina takes a look at Hiei's hand] Yukina: Oh dear, that looks bad... here, let me get a basin of fresh cold water... And then she put his hand in a basin of fresh cold water, while their younger siblings stared with their twice seventeen are thirty-four, put down four and carry three, eyes, and then she looked in the hand for bits of glass, and there were fortunately no bits of glass there. [Yukina turns to Hinageshi and Rinku] Yukina: Bring me the noble rag-bag: I must snip and stitch and cut and contrive. [Hinageshi and Rinku go offstage and come back lugging a big cloth sack that's taller than they are] And Yukina-hime sat down on the floor, with a large pair of scissors and a needle and thread, and made a bandage, and put it on, and it fitted beautifully; [Yukina seems to have snipped, stitched, cut, and contrived the Ijuu Taihou] and so when it was all done, she saw the lord her toosan looking on by the door. [Yukina turns and sees Yuusuke leaning against the door frame, hands jammed in his pockets] Yuusuke: Yukina-chan. Yukina: Hai, Otoosan. Yuusuke: What have you been doing? Yukina: Snipping, stitching, cutting, and contriving, Otoosan. Yuusuke: What has become of the magic fishbone? Yukina: In my pocket, Otoosan. Yuusuke: I thought you had lost it? Yukina: Oh, no, Otoosan! Yuusuke: Or forgotten it? Yukina: No, indeed, Otoosan. [Yuusuke leaves. Yukina runs upstairs and starts talking to Botan, apparently telling her the whole thing. Botan laughs] Saa! and so another time the baby fell under the grate. The seventeen young noble children were used to it; for they were almost always falling under the grate or down the stairs -- one even fell off the roof once -- [Hiei raises a hand in acknowledgement] but the baby was not used to it yet, and it gave him a swelled face and a black eye. The way the poor little darling came to tumble was that he was out of Yukina-hime's lap just as she was sitting, in a great coarse apron that quite smothered her, in front of the kitchen fire, beginning to peel the turnips for the broth for dinner. [Koenma crawls away from Yukina as she sits before the fire in the described garment, taking a great deal of turnip away with each peel but still managing to keep at least three-quarters of the root] And the way she came to be doing that was that the lord's cook had run away that morning with his own true love, who was a very tall but very tipsy biker chick. [Motorcycle noises] Kurama (offstage): Ah, Atsuko-chan... WATCH OUT FOR THAT -- [crashes, bangs, smashes, and other loud noises redolent of death, destruction, and the collapse of Tokyo Tower] Kurama (offstage, wearily): tree... [A very startled Koenma falls under the grate] Then the seventeen young noble children, who cried at everything that happened, cried and roared. [Koenma and all of his "siblings" except for Yukina and Hiei start howling] Yukina (sniffling): Shizuka ni shi nasai... onegaishimasu... you don't want to throw back Okaasan upstairs, who's fast getting well... Damari nasai, little dog-children, while I examine baby. [She's dropped three tear-gems during this speech] Then she examined baby, and saw that he hadn't broken anything; and she held cold iron to his poor dear eye, and smoothed his poor dear face, and he presently fell asleep in her arms. Yukina: I am afraid to put him down yet, lest he should feel pain; be good, and you shall all be cooks. 17 Children (jumping): YOKATTA! [The seventeen other children begin making themselves cook hats out of old newspapers] So to one she gave the salt-box, and to one she gave the barley, and to one she gave the herbs, and to one she gave the turnips, and to one she gave the carrots, and to one she gave the onions, and to one she gave the spice-box, till they were all cooks, and all running about at work, she sitting in the middle, smothered in the great coarse apron, nursing baby -- which was much the best place in the kitchen for her anyway. By and by the broth was done; and the baby woke up, smiling like an angel, and was trusted to the sedatest princess to hold, [Yukina hands Koenma to a cute little girl (one of the audience at the tournament)] while the other noble children were squeezed into a far-off corner to look at Yukina-hime turning out the saucepanful of broth for fear -- as they were always getting into trouble -- they should get splashed and scalded. When the broth came tumbling out, steaming beautifully, and smelling like a nosegay good to eat, they clapped their hands. That made the baby clap his hands; and that, and his looking as if he had a comic toothache, made all the noble children laugh. Yukina: Laugh and be good; and after dinner we shall make him a nest on the floor in a corner, and he shall sit in his nest and see a dance of eighteen cooks. 17 Children: Yoshi! And they ate up all the broth, which was not bad, and washed up all the plates and dishes, and cleared away, and pushed the table into a corner; and then they in their cook's caps, and Yukina-hime in the smothering coarse apron that belonged to the cook that had run away with his one true love that was the very tall but very tipsy biker chick, danced a dance of eighteen cooks before the angelic baby. [Song-and-dance number: "Watashi no Tamagoyaki" (My Omelette) from the end of *Dragon Half*] And he forgot his swelled face and his black eye, and crowed with joy. [Koenma waves his arms and makes cute baby noises] And so, once again, Yukina-hime saw Lord Yuusuke the First, her father, standing in the doorway looking on. Yuusuke: What have you been doing, Yukina-chan? Yukina: Cooking and contriving, Otoosan. Yuusuke (wincing): What else have you been doing, Yukina-chan? Yukina: Keeping the children light-hearted, Otoosan. Yuusuke: What has become of the magic fishbone? Yukina: In my pocket, Otoosan. Yuusuke: I thought you had lost it? Yukina: Oh, no, Otoosan! Yuusuke: Or forgotten it? Yukina: No, indeed, Otoosan. The great lord then sighed so heavily, and seemed so low-spirited, and sat down so miserably, leaning his head upon his hand, and his elbow upon the kitchen table pushed away in the corner, that the seventeen noble children crept softly out of the kitchen, and left him alone with Yukina-hime and the angelic baby. Yukina: What is the matter, Otoosan? Yuusuke: I am dreadfully poor, Yukina-chan. Yukina: Have you no money at all, Otoosan? Yuusuke: None, Yukina-chan. Yukina: Is there no way of getting any, Otoosan? Yuusuke: No way. I have tried very hard, and I have tried all ways. [Yukina puts her hand in her pocket] Yukina: Otoosan, when we have tried very hard, and tried all ways, we must have done our very, very best? Yuusuke: No doubt, Yukina-chan. Yukina: When we have done our very, very best, Otoosan, and that is not enough, then I think the right time must have come for asking help of others. This was the very secret connected with the magic fishbone, which she had found out for herself from the good Fairy Genkai's words, and which so often whispered to her beautiful and fashionable friend, the court lady. So she took out of her pocket the magic fishbone, which had been dried and rubbed and polished till it shone like mother-of-pearl; Yukina (kissing the fishbone): I wish it was payday. And immediately it *was* payday; and the great lord's quarter-salary and thrice as much more besides came rattling down the chimney in hundred-yen coins, and bounced into the middle of the floor. [Everywhere but the places where Koenma and where Yukina and Yuusuke are are carpeted thickly with hundred-yen coins -- and I mean *thickly*, to say nothing of the stacks and piles] But this was not half of what happened -- no, not a quarter; for immediately afterwards the good Fairy Genkai came riding up in a carriage and four (peacocks), with Mr. Takanaka's shop-girl up behind, dressed in silver and gold, with a cocked hat, powdered hair pulled back in a ponytail, pink silk stockings, a jewelled cane, and a nosegay. Down jumped the shop-girl, with her cocked hat in her hand, and wonderfully polite (being entirely changed by enchantment), and handed Genkai out; and there she stood, in her rich silk gi and surcoat smelling of dried lavender, fanning herself with a sparkling fan. Genkai: Yukina-himechan, how do you do? I hope I see you pretty well? Give me a kiss. [Yukina hugs Genkai and kisses her cheek. Then Genkai turns to Yuusuke] Genkai (sharply): Are you good? Yuusuke: I hope so. Genkai: I suppose you know the reason *now*, why my god-daughter here, [kisses Yukina's cheek] did not apply to the fishbone sooner? [Yuusuke bows shyly] Genkai: Ah! but you didn't *then*? [Yuusuke bows even more shyly] Genkai: Any more reasons to ask for? Yuusuke: No, and I am very sorry. Genkai: Be good, then, and live happily ever afterwards. Then Genkai waved her fan, and the noble consort came in most splendidly dressed and very pregnant; Keiko: It's just a pillow. Yuusuke: Hey, I *offered* to make you pregnant for real, but -- Keiko: Can we get back to the story here? Keiko and Yuusuke: We're very sorry. We won't do it again. Be good, then, and don't! And then the seventeen young noble children, no longer grown out of their clothes, filed in, newly fitted out from top to toe, with tucks in everything to admit of its being let out. The lord chamberlaine followed them, looking ten years younger and wearing a beautiful gown not quite as splendid as the consort's. After that the fairy tapped Yukina-hime with her fan; and the smothering coarse apron flew away, and she appeared exquisitely dressed, like a little bride, with a wreath of orange flowers and a silver veil. After that, the kitchen dresser changed of itself into a wardrobe, made of beautiful woods and gold and looking-glass, which was full of dresses of all sorts, all for her and all exactly fitting her. After that, the angelic baby came in running alone, with his face and eye not a bit the worse, but much the better. Then Genkai desired to be introduced to the court lady; Yukina: Just a second! [Yukina runs upstairs and comes back down, tugging the oar on which Botan is flying] Yukina: Botan, this is the Fairy Genkai. Genkai-sama, this is Botan-tsubone. Many compliments took place between them. A little whispering then took place between the fairy and the court lady; and then the fairy said out loud, Genkai: Yes, I thought she would have told you. [turns to Yuusuke and Keiko] We are going in search of Lord Kuwabarakazumazama. The pleasure of your company is requested at the Rose Maboroshi Chapel in half an hour precisely. [Genkai and Yukina get into the carriage. Shizuru hands in Botan, who sits by herself in the opposite seat; and then gets up behind, and the peacocks fly away with their tails behind, not needing a driver] Lord Kuwabarakazumazama was sitting by himself, eating ame on a stick, and waiting to be ninety. When he saw the peacocks, followed by the carriage, coming in at the window, it immediately occurred to him that something uncommon was going to happen. Genkai (leaning out): Lord, I bring you your bride. The instant she said those words, Lord Kuwabarakazumazama's face left off being sticky, and his ratty school uniform with no shirt changed to peach-bloom velvet, and his hair curled, and a cap and feather flew in like a bird and settled on his head, and his face looked halfway intelligent and attractive. Shizuru: Even Genkai-sama's magic has limits. He got into the carriage by the fairy's invitation; and there he renewed his acquaintance with the court lady, whom he had seen before. In the chapel (which was run by the former cook) were the young lord's relations and friends, and Yukina-hime's relations and friends, and the seventeen noble children, all on their best behavior by magic, and the baby, and a crowd of the neighbors. [Translation: just about the entire cast is there, plus all the members of the YYH ML who were interested in attending] The marriage was beautiful beyond expression. The court lady was bridesmaid, and beheld the ceremony from the pulpit, where she was supported by the cushion of the desk. [Yukina smiles sweetly, Kuwabara has a goofy grin plastered all over his face, and Hiei has to settle for trying to glare a hole in the bridegroom's back, since Kurama (resplendent in that yellow surcoat outfit) has thoughtfully clapped a hand over the small youkai's mouth. Keiko, Shiori, and Botan are sniffling, Yuusuke is trying to look as if the whole deal means nothing to him and not quite succeeding, and Shizuru and Mukuro are taking extensive notes] Genkai gave a magnificent wedding-feast afterwards, in which there was everything and more to eat, and everything and more to drink. The wedding-cake was delicately ornamented with white satin ribbons, frosted silver, and white lilies, and was forty-two yards round. When Genkai had drunk her love to the young couple, and Lord Kuwabarakazumazama had made a speech, omitted for the sake of simple mercy -- Kuwabara (standing): HEY! Yukina (looking up at him): Anata... Kuwabara: YUKINA-SAAAAN! [plops into his seat, grinning even more goofily] Everyone Else: Banzai! Banzai! Banzai! Banzai! Genkai (to Yuusuke and Keiko): In future, there will be eight paydays in every year, except for leap-year, when there will be twenty-four. [turns to Yukina and Kuwabara] My dear ones, you will have thirty-five children, and they will all be good and beautiful. Seventeen of your children will be boys, and eighteen will be girls. The hair of the whole of your children will curl naturally. They will never have the measles, and will have recovered from the whooping-cough, lockjaw, diphtheria, and the Makai flu before being born. Everyone Else: Banzai! Banzai! Banzai! Banzai! Genkai: It only remains to make an end of the fishbone. So she took it from the hand of Yukina-hime, and it instantly flew down the throat of the dreadful little snapping pug-dog next door, and choked him, and he expired in convulsions. -------------------------- Koenma: Great job narrating, George! George: Thanks... water.. please... [Botan hands him a glass of water, which he drinks thirstily] Koenma: And the stage crew! However did you create that sound effect of the motorcycle crash? Random Oni: Oh, Bill drove the motorcycle we were using for the sound into a brick wall. Koenma: My... New... MOTORCYCLE??? [Koenma chases the stage-crew oni off] Kurama (popping up): Oh, the motorcycle's repairable... I'm not sure about Bill the Oni, though... George: Great. Do I have to narrate the *next* one, too? Koenma (coming back): No, I'll do that. And remember the moral for this story! George: What moral, Koenma-sama? Koenma: It was obvious! It was shown right in the story! Kurama: It's "The best thing Yukina can do when cooking dinner is sit back and let everyone else work." George: Oh! Yeah! I remember that! Koenma: Arrgh... ************************** Yuu Yuu Hakusho belongs to Togashi Yoshihiro, Studio Pierrot, Fuji TV, and something I can't read the kanji for, except it ends in "sha." Muppet stuff belongs to Jim Henson. Well, I think it's Henson Associates now. Lyrics and arrangement to "Watashi no Tamagoyaki" belong to the people who made the anime version of Dragon Half. Actually I think they went bankrupt, so I don't know WHOM they belong to, but it's not me. The Three Little Pigs, Charles Dickens, and Ludwig von Beethoven are all public domain by now.