[Scene: In front of a set of large doors which say "Reikai Classic Theater" above them] Koenma: Hello! I am Koenma the famous. George: And I'm George the Oni. Both: Welcome to Reikai Classic Theater! George: What does 'classic' mean? Koenma: It means that these are famous and ancient tales -- George: Huh? Koenma: Old stories. George: What, we couldn't afford any new ones? Koenma: No! I mean yes! I mean... that's not the point! George: I don't know, Koenma-sama... it seems rather like a scam to me... click on a new file and get an old story... Koenma: Look, the doors are opening now; just come on in, okay? Koenma, George, and a host of other people poured into the theater. Finally Enma's son and his right-hand man... er, oni... seated themselves in a box next to the stage. Koenma: Our first tale is "The Three Little Pigs." Sanbiki no Kobuta Once upon a time, in a little hut on the edge of the woods, there lived Kobuta Papa [random youkai drafted for the story] and his three children; Kobuta Chuu -- [Chuu waves excitedly and starts running from stage left] Kobuta Kazuma -- [Kuwabara waves even more excitedly and starts running from stage right. The two "brothers" crash into each other, headfirst (Literally; they bang their heads together).] and Kobuta Shizuru. [Shizuru looks up from the papers she is working on diligently] Shizuru: Yo. [Kobuta Papa walks over to his two sons] Papa: Now, boys, it is time for the three of you to go out into the world and build houses for yourselves! Chuu: All by ourselves? Kuwabara: Out among the... *wolves*? Papa: You'll do all right, because you are strong, smart boys who can Take Care Of Yourselves. Chuu: But what about Shizuru-neechan? Kuwabara: Yeah, she is just a -- Boys: GURRL. Papa: That's why you two must look out for her. [walks over to Shizuru] What are you doing, Shizuru-chan? Shizuru (proudly showing them): I have just completed the blueprints for a state-of-the-art technologically up-to-date small yet comfortable red brick mansion incorporating high-tech security systems against all predators, especially wolves. Kobuta Papa looked at his daughter's design for a moment. Then: Papa: Why, ain't that cute? It's a pitcher of a house. [Shizuru sweatdrops] Papa: Now, Shizuru, you are going to go out into the world with your brothers, who will take good care of you. [Shizuru picks up an aerosol can and spraypaints "Male Chauvinist Pig" all over the side of Kobuta Papa's hut] The three children set out and built themselves houses. Kobuta Chuu built himself a house of straw -- do you call that a HOUSE? Chuu: Course it is! What else does it look like? George: A haystack with a hole in one side! [It does, too ^_^] Chuu: It keeps the weather out, the booze safe, and the warm in. What more do you want out of a house? ... Kobuta Kazuma built himself a house of sticks... Kuwabara: I, the great Kobuta Kazuma, have finished a dwelling of such stunningly original design as to throw any other architect in the shade! George: Uh, yeah, whatever... ... and Kobuta Shizuru built herself a state-of-the-art technologically up-to-date small yet comfortable -- Shizuru: Yeah, yeah, they get the idea! [Shizuru turns and looks at her brothers' houses] Shizuru: Uh, guys? Your "house" of straw and your house of sticks will not protect you when the wolf comes to call. Chuu: Oh, you do not need to worry about us. Kuwabara: We are strong, smart boys who can Take Care Of Ourselves! [The two turn to each other and accidentally whack their heads together, knocking each other out] Shizuru: I cannot believe these are my brothers. That very night, Jin the Wolf came to call. Jin: A straw house. How... quaint. Chuu: Who's there? Jin: Kobuta-san, Kobuta-san, let me come in! Jin: Then I'll Howl, and I'll Yowl, and I'll soil your towel! [pause while Koenma and George fall over] Jin: No. That's not right. Ahemhem. Then I'll HOUF, and I'll POUF, and I'll *blow* your house in! Jin the Wolf summoned a wind that blew the haystack to pieces. It also blew Chuu out the other side, where he landed running and didn't stop until he reached Kazuma's house. Chuu (pounding on door): Let me in! Kazuma! There's a *wolf* out here! Kuwabara: Uugh. [lets Chuu in] Jin: Ah. A house of sticks. [pause] Kobuta-san, Kobuta-san, let me come in! Kazuma: Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin! Jin: Then I'll HOUF, and I'll POUF, and I'll *blow* your house in! [Jin does so. The Kobuta brothers poke their heads up out of the rubble.] Kuwabara: There really is a wolf! Chuu: See? What did I tell you? [They take off running] Kobuta-tachi: Wolf! Wo-o-olf! Jin: Ofukuro always did tell me to exercise before meals... Kobuta-tachi (pounding on door): Shizuru! Shizuru! Let us in! Shizuru (inside): Okay, okay, I'm coming. Can't a girl get any sleep around here? She opened the door and the two brothers rushed in, Jin hot on their heels. Jin: Well, look! A brick house! Shizuru: You're no lightweight yourself. And with that, she slammed the door, hitting Jin in the face as he lunged at her. Shizuru: Okay, guys, what is it? Boys: Please! Shizuru-oneesan! Save us from the wolf! Shizuru: Oh, I could not. I am just a... GURRL. Boys: No you're not! Oneesama is just as strong and smart as we are! Chuu: Stronger! Kuwabara: Smarter! Chuu: *Much* smarter! Kuwabara: Eons smarter! Chuu: We are duffers! Kuwabara: Idiots! Chuu: Cretins! Kuwabara: Morons! Together: *Numbskulls*! [turn towards each other, conking their heads together] Shizuru: Enough, okay! All right, I'll let you stay... but on One Condition. [Song-and-dance number: "Show Her Some Respect" from Muppet Classic Theater] [Switch to outside] Jin: Kobuta-san, Kobuta-san, let me come in! [pause] Jin: Kobuta-san, Kobuta-san, let me come in! [pause] Jin (in stage whisper): You're supposed to say "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!" Shizuru (opening door): Are you implying that I have FACIAL HAIR?! Jin: Well... I... Shizuru: Hai-YA! [boots Jin into air and shuts door] Jin (crawling back): Oh, yeah? Well, I'll HOUF, and I'll POUF, and I'll *blow* your house in! Jin summoned a gigantic wind directed at the small yet comfortable red-brick mansion. The state-of-the-art house, incorporating the highest quality of wards as well as that of burglar alarms, just sat there. Jin: The next morning, the wolf came back again. Jin(knocking on door): Pizza delivery! [Shizuru opens the door and snatches the box, peeking inside] Shizuru: Pepperoni, olives, green peppers, corn, and pineapple... my favorite! Thanks! [shuts door in Jin's face, mashing his nose as he lunges again] So that evening, the wolf executed his most evil plan yet. Dressed appropriately, he climbed to the roof of Shizuru's house, narrowly avoiding getting killed by the five booby-traps he tripped, and called down the chimney: Jin: Ho, ho, ho! Santa here, with lots of presents for three good Kobutas! Boys: Wai! Santa! *PRESENTS*! Hurray! Hurray! Shizuru: Uh, guys.... Kuwabara: Yes? Shizuru: Christmas is in December. Chuu: Yesss.... Shizuru: It's the middle of summer. There was a pause for a moment as the Kobuta brothers digested this information. Then: Boys: It's early! It's early! Shizuru: I cannot *believe* these are my brothers. Jin: Ho, ho, ho! Shizuru (lugging rocket to chimney and shoving it up): A girl's got to do EVERYTHING around here. Shizuru lit the fuse with her Priss Asagiri lighter. Rocket: Jin: Uh-oh... [is lifted by rocket] I *HATE* WHEN THIS HAPPENS... The three Kobuta siblings gathered in the front yard, gazing up at the rapidly receding rocket. Chuu: Where's Santa going? Kuwabara: Will he be back soon? Shizuru: *Definitely* not my brothers. The rocket began to explode in fireworks, and the three watched in admiration. Kobuta Kyoodai: Oooh... [boom] ahhh... And so the wolf was defeated and the Kobuta brothers learned a valuable lesson that everyone should keep in mind. George: What was it? What was the moral, Koenma-sama? Never, ever, mess with Shizuru. ^_^