By Mark Canter

Nobody knows who wrote them, but every guy knows them.

When the movie E.T. first came out, a woman I know was surprised that her husband had shed a tear or two during the scene where the alien munchkin dies. This same guy, see, hadn't so much as misted an eye at the "Terms of Endearment," but a kid's movie got him where he lived.

That's not so odd, I said. Her husband was just following the rules: Guys must stay strong and tear-free through tragedies, but are permitted to cry over the death of a pet (and E.T. was essentially Old Yeller from outer space). The only time I ever saw my father cry was the day we buried our beloved dog: As we lowered Duke into a hole in the backyard, he hung his head and bawled.

Men follow a covert propriety--a set of unspoken rules that govern our ways and define what it is to be MALE. It's more than just knowing when it's okay for a red-blooded all-american guy to cry; there are dozens of inner "prime directives" that tell us how to act like a real man.

Where do these by-laws come from? From everywhere: Dad, first-grade readers, coaches, the Hardy Boys, baseball players, Ben Cartwright, Captian James T. Kirk, older brothers, the Boy Scouts and Ozzie Nelson; and from hanging out with the guys.

Some anthropologists say the codes we follow today were set down way back when men got together to paint bison and saber-toothed tigers on the walls of caves. "Many of these behaviors have been selected by evolution," explains Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of the book "Why Men Are the Way They Are." "For example, it's a rule that men are supposed to be tough and protect women. This traces back to acient times, when if women bred with men who were gentle and sensitive, those guys got wiped out by invading tribes. The men who were able to bash in some enemy skulls and save them- selves and their women and children were the ones whose genes were passed on."

For modern men, we've compiled a brief list of those unspoken guidelines. These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that we've documented them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and say, "See, honey, I'm not the only one who does this stuff..."

THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:

• On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost... Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.
• But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy... because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.
• Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides....It's all about who's out in front.
• Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics....If your car won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?"
• A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR...but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.
• Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo, he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."
• Never admit you don't understand a political issue....Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.
• There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there'e a remote control handy...Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
• If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel....It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.
• Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.
• If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue. But never reveal it to the other guy...."Coach, when you said I was a low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made me feel small and sad."
• Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological sex life to another guy...unless the guy is a urologist.
• A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess... Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.
• If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used, proceed to the farthest available urinal. If a line has formed, maintain proper spacing of at least 3 feet back from the guy using the urinal.... Above all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds, don't just stand there like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, anymore and the guy next to you will probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk away.
• When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.
• If you can't take it, you're not a man (whatever "it" might be)....Maybe you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one, you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you'll never hear the end of it.
• Ingore or deny physical pain...As comedian Billy Crystal reports, "Mike Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret did in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's all, just stunned.'"
• Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys...That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.
• Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears....That' s like saying, "How do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it-- here and here."
• If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound those calories into submission.
• Every guy should be hip about guns....Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
• If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative comments like "WOW! Check that out!"...and if you're alone, study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.
• When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department....Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.

Contributors:Mark Bricklin, Glenn Deutsch, Warren Farrell, Tom Gettings, Sid Kirchheimer, Michael Lafavore, Don Mann, Mike McGrath, Eric Rinehimer, Porter Shimmer, David Sloan, Patrick Taylor, Bob Teufel.

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