Chapter Fifty-nine: "If you figure out how to think, be sure to let me know, because I haven't figured it out yet." April in Amber. Laughter invites everyone on a Wild Hunt. Bleys, Caine, Usires, Julian, Shard, Deirdre, Ahab, Mirelle, Ariana, Felix and Foster choose to attend. Most of the participants wear armor, except for Mirelle who comes in a spandex body suit. Laughter has everyone grab horses and explains that anyone out tonight is fair game. Shard wonders what this means if he falls off the horse he's breaking in and decides it would be best if he didn't find out. Laughter explains that spirits take corporeal form on this evening, and can be killed. Somehow this evolved into killing everything in sight that isn't part of the hunt. There's a more modern version that involves sleeping with everyone in sight instead of killing them. Apparently Laughter's sister, Elizabeth, was rather fond of this. Shard likes this idea, but Laughter prefers the more traditional form. Ahab makes a snide comment to Foster, who responds by slapping Ahab's horse. Ahab manages to get it back under control without being thrown. Ariana asks Ahab if Usires is fair game if he falls off his horse. Caine overhears this and slaps her horse, but she also manages to stay mounted. The hunt begins. During the course of the hunt, Ariana returns the favor to Caine. Shard manages to stay on his horse, although accomplishing this task requires most of his attention. Bleys spends most of the hunt trying to elegantly drink while riding and manages to get pretty drunk. The group cuts a bloody swath through Shadow. When dawn comes, they find a nearby inn. Everyone proceeds to get drunk, except for Ariana, who abstains, and Foster, who's unaffected by the alcohol. Deirdre knocks out a guy who was hitting on her and is pretty much left alone after that. Usires finds a woman and heads upstairs. Ariana entertains herself by siccing women on Shard, Felix and Ahab. Shard leaves with one. Ahab is approached twice, but pushes them away, despite their best efforts to convince him otherwise. Several women start looking under Felix's kilt. Ariana suggests they tie some ribbons around it. They do. Things proceed from there and Felix finds himself lying on the floor with his kilt up around his ears. He doesn't object. Foster uses the Logrus to find an Instamatic and takes pictures of Felix going at it on the floor. Laughter grabs a bucket of water to douse Felix, but Ariana doesn't think that's a good idea. Laughter dumps the water on herself instead, which gets Foster's attention. Ahab suggests Foster steal Felix's kilt. Foster uses the Logrus to take all of Felix's clothes, but Felix is much too involved to even notice. Ariana hangs the kilt on the inn's sign outside and the shirt on the antlers of a stuffed moose head. Felix is rather embarrassed when he sobers up, especially when Ariana and Foster start commenting on Foster's pictures. He is somewhat proud of the fact that he went through six women, even if he recalls very little of it. He eventually figures out where his clothes are and gets dressed. Foster makes his usual complaint about being short, and is unconvinced when Ariana tells him he'll get taller. The conversation somehow shifts to women who have Y chromosomes, and Foster suggests that Ariana is one of them. Ariana picks him up and hands him to Felix, who confiscates and burns the pictures. Everyone returns home via various means, although no one is willing to chance teleporting back with Ahab. Beauty's birthday party in October is somewhat tamer. Present this time are Driscoll, Eris, Rinaldo, Foster, Ahab, Kimdyl, Nicholas, Mirelle, Ariana, Morgan, Jalana, Shannon, Vincent, Laughter, and, naturally, Beauty. Driscoll seems to recognize something about Laughter. Foster has grown two inches since the hunt. Ariana points out that she told him he'd grow. He pats her on the head. She responds by kissing him on the nose. He decides to leave her alone. Nicholas decides he likes the toy Beauty is playing with and takes it away from her. Beauty knocks him down. Nicholas walks over to Ahab looking rather confused. Ahab holds him while Beauty opens her presents, to prevent any more incidents. Driscoll brings his mandolin along and sings, while Mirelle and Ariana harmonize. Even the kids shut up to listen to him. When Ahab brings Nicholas home, he notices that the boy has learned a new word. It's "Beauty" and is usually accompanied by him smashing some toy. November 5. Kira tells Ariana that she has a visitor. Bart to be specific. He asks to see the man of the house. This does not sit well with Ariana. She asks what he wants. He says he needs to see Vetch about magic, but refuses to give any additional details. Ariana tells him to go away. Bart doesn't want to leave until she relays his request to Vetch. She refuses to do so. Bart finally takes the hint and leaves. Ariana tells Kira not to let Bart into her house in the future. Kira thinks he's kind of cute. Ariana says she's welcome to sleep with him, as long as they're not in the house. Bart requests an audience from Random next. He asks Random to order Riftvan Vetch to speak to him. Random asks why he should do this. Bart says it's a matter of national security. Affairs of State. His, specifically. He has this recent speech impediment, you see... Random asks why Bart needs a Lord of Chaos for a speech impediment. Bart claims Vetch can help him. Random thinks this is a waste of his time. Bart realizes that he's going about this the wrong way and explains that he went to Vetch's house. Random notes that he didn't get past the grinning pit bull and asks why he really wants to see Lord Vetch. Bart admits that he needs to have Laughter's spell removed. Random is shocked that Bart hasn't dealt with this yet. Bart says it was fun for a while. Random gives him Laughter's Trump and suggests he contact her. It is her spell, after all. Bart points out that Vetch removed it from the others. Random says Vetch is a bit under the weather and probably couldn't help. Bart leaves and Trumps Laughter. He starts to explain what he wants, then gets embarrassed and breaks the contact. Laughter Trumps him back and asks what that was about. He says it was nothing and turns blue. She looks shocked and pulls him through. She manages to remove the spell, and Bart is overjoyed. Laughter invites him to dinner. He asks if he can invite Lyss. Laughter thinks that's fine, since Felix and Foster are coming over as well. Bart contacts Lyss, who says she'll be along as soon as she towels off and puts on some appropriate surface clothing. Ahab reads books and goes about his normal routine. Usires spars with the Captain of Benedict's guard, since the castle guards won't go near him anymore. When he's finished, he goes to see Random. He's heard that Sand's trial has been canceled and wants to know if that's true. Random confirms this but won't reveal what he did with her, other than to say that she's been adequately dealt with. Usires wants to know how. Random won't say unless Usires gives a reason why he should know. Usires is unwilling to admit that he has a stake in it because Sand used him so he leaves. Alex walks into Random's office shortly after Usires departs. Realizing he's not going to get anything accomplished this morning, Random dumps the stuff on his desk into a drawer and gives Alex his attention. Alex says he's disappointed to learn that the trial was canceled. He assumes Sand will be processed and asks what will happen. He comments that he'd hate to miss the execution. Random asks if he has a legitimate reason for knowing, although he assumes it has to do with Delwin. Alex says there's that, plus the fact that Sand imprisoned him, brainwashed his sister, etc. Random tells Alex that he took Sand's children away from her, ripped the Pattern from her, and had Fiona seal her in her Shadow, Corilaine. He says he's been told that taking a woman's children away from her is the worst thing you can do. Alex accepts this and leaves. Ariana learns that the trial's been canceled and Trumps Random. She asks whether Sand will be a threat anymore. Random doubts it, unless she knows tricks Fiona doesn't. Ariana finds that acceptable. Random asks if she doesn't want to know what he did to Sand. Ariana asks if he was planning to tell her. He says he wasn't, but everyone else has been asking. She claims that she no longer cares, as long as Sand is not a threat. Random respects this. Laughter offers to take Bart on a tour of the garden. Bart accepts, thinking she's referring to one in her backyard. She takes him to an arboretum. Never having seen a car before, Bart finds the ride rather strange. As they tour the gardens, Laughter asks after him and Lyss. He thinks that being away from Ahab is good for her. Laughter points out that Lyss was nice even before she went to Rebma. Lyss Trumps Bart and says she's ready so he pulls her through. She's never seen a car before either and finds Bart's explanation of the experience a bit confusing. They return to Laughter's home and Laugher Trumps Felix to tell him it's time for dinner. He comes through with Foster. Bart is rather impressed with Foster's growth from 4'3" to 5'6". Dinner is rather uneventful. Bart is fascinated by the sauce and asks what's in it. Laughter explains. Bart is not happy to learn that mushrooms are fungus. Lyss tells him to eat it anyway. Foster comments that Beauty should be wearing more of the sauce on the inside and less on the outside. Laughter figures Foster was that way at three. Foster tells her he was killing his own food at three. Laughter says that sometimes he scares her. Foster replies that it scares him that she believes him. They discuss Foster's height hang-up for a while. Apparently his growth spurt hasn't cured him of this. Laughter is sure he'll grow some more if he keeps eating like that. Ahab is informed by Alexi that Brand has been seen down by the wharf. He sends a message to Trinity to keep an eye on things and Trumps Fiona. He wants to know if she has time in the future to discuss cosmology, multiple Patterns, etc. She wants to know what brings this on. He comes through and mentions that Brand's been spotted. Fiona says that's not possible. Ahab asks how she can be sure. She says she'd be able to sense him. Ahab tells her that Brand was spotted by a trusted acquaintance. Fiona doesn't think it's likely, but says she'll look into it. She figures if Brand is in Amber, he's learned a new trick. Ahab asks if she knows what Brand is doing at his Pattern. She says she can't tell, since the place has wards up around it. Ahab asks what Sand's punishment was. Fiona is surprised that he doesn't know. Ahab figures he's asked enough to annoy Random without asking that. Fiona says that having lost a child once herself, she thinks the punishment was sufficient. Ahab takes his leave and teleports out. Usires listens to the rumor mill for information about Sand, but all he can learn is that she's been deposited somewhere. He asks Caine about it. Caine tells him that Sand was locked into her own Shadow. Usires looks disappointed. Caine asks if Usires still wants to twist the knife and suggests that he talk to the ambassador if he does. Usires and Caine go drinking. Alex spends the day sleeping with Mebd. She's disappointed that she hasn't gotten pregnant yet. Alex, displaying the skills that have made him such a successful ambassador, suggests that if she wants to care for a small child, she can go help Ariana. Mebd's lower lip starts to quiver. Alex points out how much children have complicated other people's lives. Mebd begins sobbing and runs into the other room. Alex tells her he's sorry, and that he didn't know how much it meant to her. He asks if the negatives are worth it. She hits him with a pillow. He points out that having your children kidnapped can't be fun. She tells him she's going for a walk and leaves. Laughter invites Foster to spend some of his vacation in her Shadow. Foster is more than willing to take her up on her offer. Bart and Lyss say their good-byes and return to Rebma. Felix goes back to medical school. Laughter and Foster play Street Fighter for a while. They decide that if Foster loses, he'll do gardening for her. If Laughter loses, she has to clean his room. Laughter definitely got the raw end of this deal. At first, Laughter is winning. Then she gets tickled and loses one of her men. She pauses the game, brings the Pattern to mind and tells Foster to stop. Foster denies doing anything. Sequence tells Foster that if Laughter gets tickled, it will tickle Foster. Foster likes this not at all. The game resumes. Foster screws with Laughter's controls next, so they don't work as well. Laughter tells him to stop that. Sequence hits the pause button. After some argument, Foster agrees not to use magic or Logrus. The game resumes again and Foster loses. Laughter offers to go double or nothing and Foster foolishly agrees. He loses again. Foster convinces Laughter to make Sequence leave the room, then tickles her. Laughter decides he can help her in the lab instead of the gardening. Foster recalls that he brought her a gift and gives her a Pooh bear. She thinks it's for Beauty and Foster wisely doesn't correct her. Bart looks thoughtful upon his return to Rebma. Lyss asks what's up. Bart replies that he was thinking about this degree thing. Felix was talking about it at dinner and he figured it might be a good thing to do. Lyss doesn't know anything about it but suggests he talk to Laughter. Bart says he was thinking of talking to Llewella. He figures he's not getting any closer to the throne, and he doesn't have much ahead of him except for marriage. Lyss says she'll have to be moving on, then. Bart doesn't think that's necessary. He suggests that she help raise Lilith. Lyss isn't sure she likes this idea, especially Bart's suggestion that she convince Lilith to share. She does point out that she could tell Lilith all of Bart's bad habits. Suddenly Bart doesn't think this is such a good idea. Mebd eventually comes back from her walk, but she doesn't look very happy. Alex looks uncomfortably at her. She asks if he's doing anything to prevent her from getting pregnant. He admits that he had been. She leaves again but he follows this time. Alex grudgingly says that if she wants one, he supposes they can have one. Mebd is upset because he didn't tell her he'd turned things off. Alex asks what her mother would think. Mebd doesn't care. Alex points out that Heather wouldn't hurt Mebd if she got pregnant, but she might not be real pleased with him. Mebd is disturbed by this. She decides she needs to talk to Heather and Trumps out. Ahab goes to see Random the following morning. He asks how relations are faring with the other Patterns. Random responds that, assuming Heather was ever in charge of the Star, things are faring well. Ahab assumes that means they don't know. Random sarcastically notes that they have a treaty. Ahab asks if Brand is held by Heather's treaty. Random asks what brings Brand up. Ahab tells him that Brand was spotted in town. Random thanks him for the information and pulls out a Trump of Fiona. Ahab says he's already done that. Random says he wants to know why she didn't tell him. Ahab figures she'll want to know what Random's done for her lately. Random smiles and says "Wouldn't you like to know?" Ahab leaves. Laughter goes fencing with Ariana and brings Foster with her. Ariana comments that he seems to have gotten over his height problems. Foster responds by resting one of his elbows on her shoulder and the other on Laughter's. Neither woman reacts favorably to this. Ariana asks if he'd care to join them in fencing. Foster opts to relax and watch them bounce, I mean fence. Laughter mentions that Foster is working with her. Ariana asks why, and Laughter reveals the circumstances. Foster is not pleased and tickles Laughter. He and Laughter return to her Shadow. Ahab Trumps Lyss, who covers her bare breasts with her arms. Ahab is amused that she's still embarrassed by that and points out that if he was a Rebman shopkeeper he could see it every day. Lyss finds his argument unconvincing. She asks if Ariana is still mad at her. Ahab thinks she's opted to let the matter drop. Besides, with her current life, she doesn't have the time. He figures it will have all blown over when Lyss returns, if she decides to. She says that may be soon, since Bart is thinking of getting a degree. Ahab points out that there are some relatives who would think it sick that he enjoys embarrassing her and she should stop letting him get away with it. She drops her arms and asks if that's true. He says no, but it's the best line of bullshit he's come up with in a while. Lyss is rather irritated by this. Ahab breaks the contact. Foster is in Foil in Laughter's lab when he is mindtapped by Ahab. Ahab asks if it hurts. Foster admits it feels odd. Ahab says he was just checking to make sure none of his relatives have been captured by Chaos. Foster jokes that he's being held prisoner. Ahab says he'll be right there. Foster goes "Oh shit." Laughter says he should know better. Foster admits this. Ahab appears with a super- soaker and asks where they are. Then he squirts Foster on the nose. After establishing that things are fine, Ahab puts the water gun on the floor, says that whoever gets it first, wins, and teleports out. Laughter reaches it first, but Foster erects a Logrus shield to protect himself. Then he uses the Logrus to take the gun away from her. He waits until she goes outside, then begins squirting her. She turns invisible so he tracks her by scent to her car. She lets him in, removes the spell and drives home. Felix Trumps Foster and tells him that his vacation time is up. Foster says he can't come back yet, since he still owes Laughter some service. Felix asks what happened. Foster admits that he bet her and lost. Felix is upset because he told them not to bet each other. Foster claims Laughter cheated. Laughter pulls over and joins in the contact. She argues that Foster's the one who cheated. Foster says she threatened him with a sword. She responds that he used the Logrus. Felix is confused. He notices that Laughter is drenched and asks what happened. Foster blames Ahab for most of that. Eventually, they both wind up going through, so Foster can finish up his math homework. Foster wants to take a sick day and go back to school on Tuesday. Felix asks what the service terms were. Foster says he offered to do gardening, she offered to clean his room. Felix tells Laughter that he warned her not to bet Foster and shows her the room. Laughter is suddenly grateful that she won. They eat dinner. Alex Trumps his mother. She wishes he got along with Eric. Alex doesn't think he should have to like Eric, since he threw him in prison back when he was king. He tells her what was done to Sand, including her imprisonment in Corilaine, which it turns out is near Faerie. Lucretia tells him that any Shadow master could tweak the Shadow to turn it off. Alex notes that the resident Faerie expert is rather under the weather. Run through by his love. He says Sand is rather clever that way, and the look on Ariana's face was quite horrific. He asks whether Lucretia has heard from Theresa lately. Lucretia says she usually has to contact Theresa, since Theresa seems to hold the fact that she was torn from Lucretia shortly after birth against her. Of course, she hates Delwin more... Alex breaks the contact and contacts Mary. He gives her the same information that he gave Lucretia. He doesn't think Sand's punishment is enough. Mary asks if he's been fighting with his lover. Alex denies this, but she doesn't buy it. He tells her about the fight. She asks if he told Mebd he was shooting blanks or just went ahead and did it. Alex avoids answering the question. Mary tells him that he can't just make decisions for Mebd like that and suggests he grow another brain. Alex tells her that Mebd is talking to Heather now. Mary figures Alex is dead, unless Heather has enough concern for her daughter's happiness to let him live. Caine acclimates Usires to Amber. He also suggests Usires spend some time playing with his less dangerous relatives. After all, you never know when you might need allies. Usires asks who he suggests. Caine tells him to smooth things over with Felix, since he's the most forgiving. Bart is also a good candidate. Usires spends more time talking to Perry, the priest from the Unicorn shrine. Ahab pays Corwin a visit. It turns out that Corwin has spotted Brand as well. He figures that now that Brand has a Pattern, he's probably working on making his the primary Pattern. Corwin is still figuring things out about his own Pattern, and he has no idea what Brand might be doing in Amber. Ahab asks how Merlin's coming with Ghostwheel. Corwin says he's almost done. Ahab points out that Merlin is essentially reprogramming the avatar of Corwin's Pattern. Corwin says that Merlin built the damn thing, so he can't really stop him. Besides, it's supposed to improve Ghostwheel and it wants the change. Corwin asks how Deirdre is doing. Ahab says she's doing pretty well, although he's disturbed by the fact that she's sworn off hitting him. Corwin asks what he'll do now. Ahab points out that he has a wife to hit him now. He asks if Corwin is on speaking terms with Deirdre. Corwin says he talks to her occasionally. Ahab doesn't understand why Corwin and Deirdre can't at least be friends now. Corwin is less than enthused about this idea. Ahab observes that Nicholas had an interesting encounter with Beauty and he already had a "That didn't work out the way I planned" look on his face. Corwin is amused and warns him not to expect Nicholas to grow out of it. Ahab asks how Corwin knew Brand was up to something. Corwin explains that Brand's Pattern has a different flavor structurally than it used to. Ahab asks if Corwin's brought that to anyone else's attention. Corwin wants to be more sure before doing so. Ahab asks if his trick would work on Brand, even though he has a different Pattern. Corwin figures it would, since Pattern is Pattern. Ahab asks why it didn't work on Dworkin. Corwin guesses that while Dworkin drew the Pattern, he may not have walked it. Bart talks to Llewella about getting a degree in Shadow. She berates him for picking on Gant. Julian is informed that there is someone on the edge of the forest who is asking for safe passage through it. Julian checks it out and finds an elegantly dressed man standing there. He asks the man's business. The man says he's on holiday and believes he has relatives in Amber. Julian dismounts and approaches the man. The Chaosite points out that the war is over and introduces himself as Barnabas of House Jesby. Julian asks who he's planning to see. Barnabas says it's confidential, but admits it's a member of the royal family. Julian Trumps Random and fills him in. Random tells him to arrange an escort with Gerard and says he can frighten Barnabas if he wishes. Foster finishes up his service to Laughter. Felix finishes medical school. Foster wants to finish out the school year before going back to Amber. He tries to convince Felix to go ahead without him. He points out that he does have Felix's Trump in case there's trouble. Felix doesn't find this reassuring. Ariana continues caring for Riftvan, who no longer seems to be progressing despite the treatments. She does some research and determines that her best bet is to keep his calorie count up by means of a PEG tube inserted into his stomach. Riftvan is less than enthusiastic about the idea, but once his body stops rejecting the tube, he starts improving again. Mebd Trumps Heather and explains the problem. Heather tells her to go ahead and do her own thing, but does it in such a manner as to ensure maximum guilt. Quotables: "Afterwards (Foster) drinks the blood." -- Matt "I'll have to talk to him about that." -- Liam "So he picks his nose and doesn't use toilet paper. What's your point? -- Felix "You need toilet paper to pick your nose?" -- Bart "I wouldn't believe me either if I was the third person, but I'm only one. -- Felix "You haven't bothered me about cosmetology in so long." -- Fiona "Cosmology. Cosmetology is your sister Flora's field." -- Ahab "When Usires and Caine are drunk, women run in fear." -- Wendi "And when they're sober, they run holding their noses." -- Jason "Not anymore." -- George "But I've always stroked your ego in the past." -- Foster "Thanks." -- Sequence "I can't play with it staring at me." -- Foster, referring to Sequence "I'm a Prince of Amber, opening shops is within my jurisdiction." -- Ahab to Lyss "If you figure out how to think, be sure to let me know, because I haven't figured it out yet." -- Ahab to Corwin