I never thought of myself as particularly stupid, but perhaps it's
time to revise that opinion.  Or perhaps I'm being too harsh on myself. 
Lying here in the wet grass, I just want to hide my head under my tail and
whimper.  Which is a good sign that something is wrong.

	So - why was it such a balls-up?  What was I thinking?  Was I
thinking?  I feel like I've spent the last four days in some sort of
stupor.  Perhaps that apathy that overcomes a fox caught in a trap, when
all frenzied attempts at escape have failed.  Yes, I'm trapped.  Forget
all pretenses at being a free professional!  You're a puppet, Vix-babe,
and it's time you realized it.

	OK.  So why was it such a balls-up?  Well, I didn't want to kill
him.  I didn't want to kill him at all - not with that body and that smile
- and especially not from behind or in his sleep.  Which would have been
the clever way to do it.  I used to pick my assignments, I used to know
the repercussions and the reasons.  And even if I liked the people I was
going to destroy, at least I knew why I was going to do it.  But in the
last four days, MY world has been destroyed.  The horizons have spread and
my significance shrunk so far that I am reeling.  I work for a sorcerer. 
I work for a sorcerer that weaves clothes out of blood.  I work for a
prince of Amber.  I was sent to kill a prince of Amber.  Who's the real
prince here?  Where is Amber?  What is Amber?  What is Brand trying to do? 
What the hell does all this mean??  I am gasping from sheer lack of
information.  I tried to choke it down and say, you're being paid, Vix, do
your job.  But when he asked me if I was there willingly...well, was I? 
Or am I simply Brand's slave and tool?  I hoped that if I confronted him I
might get some little snippet of information, but all I learned was that
he's used to people trying to kill him.

	I guess I didn't want to kill him, not without answers.  But I
did.  Messy and pathetic though it was, a bungling job that is going to
look like it was done by an apprentice, I almost certainly punctured a
lung and opened a great vein, and there is no way that Caledon's doctors
are going to save him before he bleeds and gasps his way to death.  So, I
fulfilled my mission and it's time I sat back and thought about what I'm
doing.  I don't like Brand, but he's paid me well and I have no reason to
believe he won't deal fair with me.  On the other hand, I think he set me
up for this - to become his brainless weapon - and that is no way to win
my loyalty.  Whatever he is doing or planning, he's not going to tell me,
and before I can make a decision on this I need information.  I think I
know where to find it - if I stay alive long enough myself.

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