I never thought of myself as particularly stupid, but perhaps it's
time to revise that opinion. Or perhaps I'm being too harsh on myself.
Lying here in the wet grass, I just want to hide my head under my tail and
whimper. Which is a good sign that something is wrong.
So - why was it such a balls-up? What was I thinking? Was I
thinking? I feel like I've spent the last four days in some sort of
stupor. Perhaps that apathy that overcomes a fox caught in a trap, when
all frenzied attempts at escape have failed. Yes, I'm trapped. Forget
all pretenses at being a free professional! You're a puppet, Vix-babe,
and it's time you realized it.
OK. So why was it such a balls-up? Well, I didn't want to kill
him. I didn't want to kill him at all - not with that body and that smile
- and especially not from behind or in his sleep. Which would have been
the clever way to do it. I used to pick my assignments, I used to know
the repercussions and the reasons. And even if I liked the people I was
going to destroy, at least I knew why I was going to do it. But in the
last four days, MY world has been destroyed. The horizons have spread and
my significance shrunk so far that I am reeling. I work for a sorcerer.
I work for a sorcerer that weaves clothes out of blood. I work for a
prince of Amber. I was sent to kill a prince of Amber. Who's the real
prince here? Where is Amber? What is Amber? What is Brand trying to do?
What the hell does all this mean?? I am gasping from sheer lack of
information. I tried to choke it down and say, you're being paid, Vix, do
your job. But when he asked me if I was there willingly...well, was I?
Or am I simply Brand's slave and tool? I hoped that if I confronted him I
might get some little snippet of information, but all I learned was that
he's used to people trying to kill him.
I guess I didn't want to kill him, not without answers. But I
did. Messy and pathetic though it was, a bungling job that is going to
look like it was done by an apprentice, I almost certainly punctured a
lung and opened a great vein, and there is no way that Caledon's doctors
are going to save him before he bleeds and gasps his way to death. So, I
fulfilled my mission and it's time I sat back and thought about what I'm
doing. I don't like Brand, but he's paid me well and I have no reason to
believe he won't deal fair with me. On the other hand, I think he set me
up for this - to become his brainless weapon - and that is no way to win
my loyalty. Whatever he is doing or planning, he's not going to tell me,
and before I can make a decision on this I need information. I think I
know where to find it - if I stay alive long enough myself.
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