I'm going to paste that sign up on every street corner of every
town in every Shadow someday.

	OK, maybe not.

	*sigh*  When I chose Foster, I thought I was choosing someone not
unlike me, someone close to my age and my outlook on life.  I was
*avoiding* dark history and bad vibes, I thought, by not choosing Shard,
and especially by not choosing Driscoll.  Oh fucking well.  Sorry,
Laughter, I never meant to hurt you, it was my job to lie to you (true
enough, but it's still not *OK*).  He was supposed to be this innocent
kid, and *I* was supposed to be corrupting *him.* I thought I was ruining
his romantic life, because *no one* falls in love at fifteen and sticks
happily with that choice forever, hormones just make it impossible.  And
so I waited and waited in making a decision, because I didn't want to make
the wrong one, but hey, you didn't have to wait Laughter, it wouldn't
have been statutory rape in any Shadow in the entire universe!  In fact,
you were only 24 at the time, there may be Shadows where it's YOU who was
under the statute of limitations, making it with a sixty-year-old.

	Damn, damn, damn.  Damn him.  Damn him for not understanding my
ambush, either.  I woulda just killed him if I was that mad.  I wanted to
fight because I don't know how to fight someone when all they do is sit
there and look mopey and let your anger wash over them.  I wanted to make
him know how angry I was, and he just let himself droop...big puddle of
shapeshifter on the floor.  How do you break a shapeshifter's heart,
anyway?  You'd think that would be impossible.

	OK.  So now I'm the child.  I'm the one who's just stomping about
impetuously and ruled by her emotions.  (Well, it's true, but before, I
thought it was true of both of us.)  And now it turns out *HE* is the most
calculating thing on two artificial legs.  Foster says the baby screwed up
his timing, but I'm glad I know the truth now.  Later would have hurt even

	So what do I do?  I love him.  Of course I do.  But do I trust him
anymore?  I trust him on the level of "I know he won't kill me in my
sleep."  That's enough to sleep next to someone.  Is it enough to marry
someone, though?  Hell.  I don't know.  Marriages are not a dime a dozen
among this crowd.  Gerard and Isabeux.  Random and Vialle.  Ahab and
Kimdyl.  Riftvan and Ariana.  Mandor and Heather.  Alex and that demon,
uhm, Mebd.  I may take an informal survey, but what is it going to turn
up, really?  What's the bottom line on this one?  I can't even begin to

<- Back to the Diary list