From merrie@umich.eduTue Jan  3 16:11:52 1995
Date: Wed, 28 Dec 1994 18:49:38 -0500 (EST)
From: Merrie Haskell <merrie@umich.edu>
To: thari@umich.edu
Cc: samolnar@umich.edu
Subject: Laughter's Diary 8

Questions of the week:
	What DO Foster and Driscoll see in me?
	How do I make Brand dead?
	What is there really about me, besides my sword?


Answers, Laughter?  

Of course not.

Anyways....

Speculation.
	Perhaps a kiss is just a kiss, but is a jealous dragon just a 
jealous dragon?
	"He has a brave and true heart."  Dragons can sniff these things
out apparently.  How does one assess this about oneself?  It doesn't
matter how many battles I have fought, or how many disputes I have settled
fairly, I guess, for the dragons don't seem to sense this special heart in
me.  I suppose, even though they can't see it, my heart must be brave
*enough* and true *enough*, considering the things I have done for Foil. 
And will do for Foil.  Just because the dragons can't sense it, doesn't
mean it's not there.  I'm not going to turn into a tyrant because *they*
think poorly of me. 

	The thing I now know is how it feels to be on the other end of 
Sequence's intimidation techniques.  I don't think I like it.  Nestra's a 
bit more threatening, too....   But...  I think I'm getting over it.  
Fear does not become an Amberite.  And I've faced surer death a number of 
times with better control over my bladder.  Being afraid of the dragons 
may actually induce a sense of caution I never before had, but it 
shouldn't paralyze me.   I *think* I'm getting better about it.

	And anyways, what's fear compared to the humility learned from 
having a dragon tell you your best (and only?) quality is the ability to 
laugh at yourself?  What's humiliating about that is...  she's right.  
What talents and skills do I possess?  What do I have to recommend me?  
I'm passable with a blade, but many can fight circles around me.  I'm a 
passable sorceress, but there are many sorcerors who could bind me and my 
spells in a heartbeat.  (And what chance do I have to kill Brand?  Annoy 
him to death?)  Take the lowliest servant in my household.  She can cook 
and sew, simple tasks that will always elude me.  She can chop wood and 
haul water with a strength acquired through a lifetime of hard work, 
rather than a convenient genetic heritage.  Is my soul more elevated 
because I am of Amber and she is of shadow?  Some would say so.  But 
Caitt would not.  And Clytemnestra would not.  And they would be right.