From merrie@umich.eduSun Oct 23 17:17:07 1994 Date: Sun, 23 Oct 1994 15:14:31 -0400 (EDT) From: Merrie Haskell To: thari@umich.edu Cc: samolnar@umich.edu Subject: Laughter's Diary 4 I had a dream last night. It wasn't part of the dream sequence sent by Sand. That's all over now. She's better than treed-- she's Benedicted and shadow-pocketed, and is now awaiting trial. Anyways, this dream was the old one, or it started out that way. You know... the one where I'm standing outside of St. Peter's in a war-torn and abandoned London, and a dozen na siogai ride out of nowhere and surround me. And Calamus comes up, and asks me to betray the Midland. That dream. Only, the dream never follows what happened in real life. In real life, I killed Calamus and most of his men, and scared the rest of them off. And in the dream, I get attacked and dragged down and am just about to die when I wake up. But this dream, the one I had last night in the infirmary while Felix snored peacefully on the other side of the curtain, this one ended strangely. The na siogai were accompanied by wolves, just like the ones we fought yesterday. But they never attacked, they just waited. And the rider came up, and it was Calamus. And he greeted me as sister and climbed down from his horse and spoke to me, telling me to join the na si, because they were coming again. And I refused, just like I always do. And Calamus spoke to Sequence, trying to convince the sword to leave me and go to him, but Sequence moves in my hand, and I don't let go of the hilt, and together we stab Calamus through the liver, but it's as if it's not through our own volition. And he falls down, gasping. I stand back. I do not speak at all, though he is calling my name and begging me to tree him so he doesn't have to die. But I stand there, and so do the na si, and the wolves, and they are faceless and silent witnesses. When I woke up, I was crying, and my hand was on Sequence where it lay by the side of my bed. I stayed awake probably an hour, letting my thoughts go around in my head in random circles. The battle with the wolves was bad. Felix was one of those who bore the brunt of the attack without magic armor. But he's alive and on the mend. He seems to think that his mother will be the one who raises Sand's child. I don't know. I asked. I don't know why I asked, it's not as if I don't already have a toddler to deal with. But there's that perverse streak in me that says I have to take responsibility for the people I attempt to kill... And Felix seemed to doubt that his mother would allow me to take the child. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I've never met his mother. I've learned something about women, what with the pattern of lost children and fostering in my life; a woman who thinks a baby is hers gets this notion awful quick, and this notion takes forever to die. Even after Caitt knew I wasn't hers, she took me aside and told me that I would always be her daughter, no matter what, because it was she who woke up with me in the middle of the night, and it was she who guided my first steps and it was she who put me on my first horse. And she was right, because this is how I feel towards Beauty. And I know about the suddenness of this feeling, too, how it comes upon you before you have even a chance to think about what you're getting into. How many minutes did it take for me to start thinking of Beauty as my child after I heard of Elizabeth's death? Three? And then there is Fiona, who lost me and found me again. I realized today, even after I was telling her how much it bothered me that she hadn't spoken to me, that it was she who cleaned up my little mess in Arden. Knowing this, I know that if Felix's mother is set upon Sand's child, I can't take the baby. Knowing this, I know that I cannot in conscience allow Sand's baby to be taken from her as long as she lives. Which may not be long, but then again, it may. There is to be a trial. I wonder if Sand will have anyone to stand as her advocate. I don't think I'd do well at it, but perhaps... Perhaps what, Laughter? Perhaps I was not wrong in saying "killing her with kindness." Of course, it remains to be seen if Riftvan dies because of Sand. If this were to happen... Well, Ariana has dibs, she's his lover and the mother of his children. But he was, is, technnically, effectively, still my responsability, and will be for another week and a half. Our association is not yet up, Riftvan, and your life is still mine for the duration of our agreement. Sand made her own grave with making Ariana strike Riftvan down. I see that. But I also see that Lyss was right in taking immediate action to slow the situation down. I see a lot of things... I feel removed from this family of mine-- this race of people with wonderful powers and superhuman skills and so many troubles. There is my mother, Fiona, who Ahab described today as a fourteen-year-old. That may be so. But she's also my mother, and dammit, you just can't be petty to your children about important things. I hope that was cleared up yesterday, but I think it was more glossed over. Hopefully... hopefully, we won't have to get into a ruckus for some time to come. And there is her brother Bleys who lives in fear of her, but also wants to, really badly, yank her pigtails. I don't know. I like him, but I think the only reason he would look out for me is because of his fear of Fiona, not because he intrinsically likes me. I met Random, the king, and Benedict yesterday as well. I suppose I don't know them well enough to analyze them yet... but it was strange, that comment Random made: "I've heard you do well with newborns" or something like that. I didn't think Mother had let anyone at all know about me prior to my arrival in Amber, except Bleys and Julian, since I know it was Julian who lost me in Foil. Which means Random had to have heard about me in the last two days... and from who? My other relatives... Ariana is not properly in her mind right now, but I liked her well enough until we were facing each other at the tree containing Sand. Then I was rather afraid of what she might do... And Ahab, who seemed to think I was off my rocker for thinking that Fiona and I should not fight... I don't know if I want to meet my aunt Deirdre, you know? And Felix and Foster... well, I just *like* them. When and if I have a son, I don't think one like Foster would be too bad to have. Better than Cal by a long shot, and those are the only two adolescent males I've ever been around. Lyss, I think I'd like to know Lyss better. It's quite possible that she may be more impulsive than me. And Bart, well, it was in everybody's best interest to protect Mother yesterday, but I still think I should thank him. Courtesy is always necessary. So, now, I think I shall get dressed, strap on my sword and go see my daughter, my mother and the faerie whose life I didn't take. But my thoughts still turn to Sand... why does she hate Riftvan so much, and why did she think I should kill him?