It could have been worse. It could have been much, much worse.
Ahab slapped my hand and sent me away. Not to make light of the situation
- I am sorry. I really didn't mean to cause so much trouble, and I hope
that I haven't gotten Caine captured or killed... I wouldn't be able to
face myself in the mirror if something happened to him because of what
I've done... but, I've gotten my father back, and that's worth getting
beat up by Caine and Usires (hopefully not concurrently). Da is home, and
I can't regret my actions too much.
I'd been waiting for Ahab's summons since Bleys deprogrammed Da.
It wasn't something that I was particularly looking forward, but it was
inevitable. It seems like it took him forever to get around to it... but
he is the king. He does have other things to attend to. At least it gave
him other things to think of... instead of all the nasty things he could
do to me. If I'd had all of his attention, I hate to think what he might
He said that I've lost his trust - that he won't burden me with it
- or responsibility. I screwed up. I know that. I suppose that means
I'll lose my commission, or be demoted, or something. I've served under
people before. It won't be too bad. I guess. You get used to it...
eventually. I've done a lot for Amber - a lot more than he'd done at my
age. It'd probably be a poor move to point that out. I'd like to get my
life back some day, and I'm waiting for his OK.
Tamaryn is being sent to Faerie. She hopes to avert some
impending danger. She wouldn't say much of it, though it was obvious that
it's very important, and that she was pretty worried about it. I hope her
stay is a short one. I'm getting used to having her around. I wasn't
sure I'd reach this point, but I'll miss her. At least this time, I'm
fairly certain that she'll be back. She said she would be.
She did fix Da before she left. He stuck around just long enough
to say thanks, and then he took off. Home to Mum. Can't say I blame him.
I wish I'd that option, but until we know what's happened to Caine, I'm
going to have to stay here - on Ivan's boats. I can't tell if it's a
self-imposed exile or not. I can't go back to Amber as I am now. I think
that anything else I do is just going to piss Ahab off more. I'd best
stay here, and try to keep out of the way.
I wish Da hadn't brought her here... I didn't want Mum to see me
like this. Hell - I don't like seeing me like this. I guess I wouldn't
make a very good shapeshifter... or a spy. I like me as a I am... er...
was, that is. I like being Felix. Not Jesus. In a way, it's like being
homesick. I want to go home. Mum's cookies make me want to go home even
more. I miss Viv. I hope that she's faired OK through this. Its too bad
she isn't a little older. I think that Mum could have used the support -
from someone in the immediate family. I wonder if she talked to any of
her brothers or sisters about it. It's been too long since we've seen any
of them. We'll have to invite them out to the summer house, provided we
actually go this season.
So... here I sit... and stay. I shall try to be an obedient hound
from now on. Ahab just doesn't get it. It was my father. He was in
trouble. I had to do something. At least I know what I did was right,
and in the end, that's who I have to answer to.
Geez. I hope Caine is okay.
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