Lord, I've messed up. Tamaryn did not react at all how I'd
planned. Looking back on it, I'm still not sure I know what I want. It's
like people are trying to push me into things, and I don't want to go
there... but I do. I've often envied Foster's relationship with Laughter
- someone for care and comfort... a companion, and were I to look around
for one, I'd see Tamaryn staring right back. And when I do, and I see her
staring, I tense up and run away. Did the same thing with Irene... and if
I actually knew Bridget, I'd probably be doing the same thing. Shit...
it's already begun - the woman might be carrying my child, and I've got
her working as a maid in someone else's Shadow.
She doesn't want to see me until I've got my shit together. I
guess that's a reasonable request. I spoke with Ariana. She said I
really hurt Tamaryn. I didn't want to. Maybe we're even now. I don't
think that she wanted to hurt me. I don't think she wants to hurt
anyone... an unusual characteristic for a Vetch. I'm going to talk to her
again. I've got to. I thought that the letter would resolve things, but
it's only made them worse. Mental note: practice that whole "resolution"
I've been flipping through my journal... this is going to sound
crass. It's not supposed to. Yes, reading the entries just brings
everything back - it still hurts, but things are a bit clearer. 20-20
hindsight. She was my first real love. I was barely in my twenties.
What do you expect? She ran off into Shadow and had my kid. Yes, that
hurts, but, she just wanted a child. Sure, her thinking may have been
muddled, but I think it's a safe bet that the thought "Let's fuck up Felix
so bad that it can only be fixed by millennia of therapy" never entered
her head. She wanted a kid, Vetch wanted it to be an Amberite. It was
ten years ago, and our relationship couldn't have lasted more than six
months. When most people run into their first girlfriend ten years later,
they joke about how much weight they've put on and how much they hate
their jobs. They don't become emotional basket cases. We started dating
that winter? She'd left for the summer in May, and left for good...
couldn't have been later than June. Five months? Five months that I've
played over and over again for the past ten years - never reaching
conclusion. That's really stupid. She was only there for five months,
and I've been pining over her for ten years? Again, really stupid. I've
finally got a chance to do something about it, and I don't. Stupid,
Felix, Stupid. I hit rewind, and cover my eyes when we hit the bit o'
tape that I don't want to see. I can't erase things, I shouldn't even try
It's time to say "fuck it" and move on... start over. Now... if I
can figure out a more gentle way of putting that, maybe... just maybe...
she'll buy it.
More importantly, maybe I will too.
She actually agreed to see me. That was a good start. I have to
admit that I had my doubts. It's kind of ironic... she's the one that
seduced me, got pregnant, and ran off... and ten years later, I'm the one
apologizing. I'm gonna keep that thought to myself... I don't think
she'd appreciate it. Anyway... she agreed to go out with me. She's being
very agreeable today. I said that we couldn't expect things to pick up
exactly where they left off... unfortunately, I'd been expecting just
that. That was part of the problem I had with Murine. I tried to start
off like she'd never left. We saw how that turned out. Sheesh. Back to
"picking up where we left off"... I think that Tamaryn may have hoped
that things would just kinda work out too... I don't think that I'm
flattering myself. I really think that she thought she'd come back and
things would be all better. Well, with luck, now they will be. Even if
we don't end up peopling the earth, I think now we at least have the
chance to be friends... though... there's a lot to be said about peopling
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