She seems like a decent person. I mean, she helped me find my
mother and sister, and she was there to help Laughter during the birth.
Why can't I let myself like her? She got me so upset - just the knowledge
of her existence made me angry. Then when she showed up, I don't know...
I thought I was over it. I thought that I dealt with it when Murine
"died." I guess I was fooling myself. I haven't dealt with any of it. I
shoved it to the back of my mind and said "Don't bother me. I don't have
time for this." and it's sat there for almost a decade.
I should be happy that Foster's mum is alive - that the woman I
loved still remembers me and our time together. But, I'm not. I'm not
happy about it. What kind of person does that make me? I never thought I
was bitter, but if my behavior last night was any indication, I'm a very
I think that I've learned something, which means this experience
isn't a complete waste. Drinking is not the solution. It doesn't help at
all - I'm sure I looked quite the fool last night, and I can't remember a
thing. It isn't the first time either.
I have a drinking problem.
I never thought I'd say that. I'm not an alcoholic - at least I
don't think I am. I mean, social drinking is not the problem. I can
handle that. But, I can't keep using it as an answer to my problems. It
was bad enough that I did it when Foster was growing up...or at least
when I thought he was growing up...he was old enough...I don't think my
actions really had much effect on him. It's not too late to change. I
really would like to set a good example for Vivienne and my grandson, and
I think that getting this under control could help a lot. There are very
few problems in the world worth drinking myself into oblivion for - it's
just become too easy to use alcohol as an escape - an escape for problems
that I should be thinking over and handling...instead of running away
I'm a very lucky man - perhaps luckier than anyone else in this
family - I have two loving parents, a wonderful sister, son, and grandson.
I have everything to look forward to, every reason to give up my
"emotional alcoholism" and stop feeling sorry for myself. I used to be a
happy, well-adjusted, fun-loving guy - somewhere deep I still am. I just
have to let him out. There has to be better ways of dealing with my
I think I've got it...it came to me while I was out in Shadow
with Foster and Laughter.
First off, let me say, I've a fine grandson - Haris. Doesn't look
a think like me, but certainly takes after his parents. He was three
weeks overdue. (All good things are worth the wait...I'm sure Laughter
would slap me if she heard me say that. She was in labor for 36 hours.)
Most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. I wonder if Foster was that
small? Or me? Me...I can't see it.
Anyway, back to the point... Foster looks like he's put on a good
ten pounds solid muscle during his time "away." Made me think of a couple
of things. I haven't worked out regularly in a long time - I need to put
that back into my day. I mean.. I'm still bigger than him - he didn't
grow any taller over the nine months, and I'd wager that I still outweigh
him...but who's to say if I'm still strong? I've enjoyed that status for
a long time, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let him pass me by. I
figure I'll stop drinking so much, work out, loose some weight, gain some
muscle, and catch up with the boy.
I also figure that it gives me a good alternative to drinking.
Samantha always said it was good to channel negative energy into something
constructive...mind you, not in so many words... I think that her exact
words were more like, "Don't let me find you drunk again. If ya got a
problem, run a few miles or hit the weight room. But don't hit the
bottle. You're too good for that. She isn't worth it. Besides, if it
happens again, I'll tell Coach, and you won't wrestle for a long time."
Sam - you're right...she isn't worth it. Got drunk when "Murine" left.
Got drunk when "she" came back and died. Got drunk when "she" came back
again. She's not worth it. About all I remember from our conversation
the other night was her telling me to sober up.
I'm going to try.
Like I said - I think I can handle social drinking. That's not
the problem. I am going to have to replace the "depression drinking" - or
whatever you want to call it - with exercise - of some sort. It's a lot
healthier for me and those around me.
If Foster can start telling the truth, I can change too.
Not everything is horrible. Actually things have been okay -
other than Chaos' army on our border, things have actually been okay.
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