Foster had said that he found his discussion with Da very
enlightening. "Now I know why you turned out like you did," he says. I
wish I could say the same about him. I wish I knew why he acts like he
does. I don't think any of it's because of me. I didn't get him soon
enough to have any effect. He's lived a lifetime without me...a lifetime.
I realized that he had a life before he came to Amber, but this is
He says he needs to talk to me tonight, and, although rare, it has
happened before.. there is a precedent. I didn't think any more of it.
We go to a sitting room, he suggests I sit, then he tells me that he is
seventy years old. He's older than me... He's older than Ahab...he's
older than me and Ahab put together...he's older than Ariana! I don't
understand...it's not fair. I keep thinking to myself, he's not my
son...he's just some bloke off the street...but that's not right. He is
my son...but he never was my child...in any way. I find the entire thing
wholly frustrating. There were so many things that I was tempted to
do...so many things that I could have said...so many things I could have
broken...but I couldn't. How could I? Even if I haven't had an affect on
him, he has greatly affected me. How could he not? I am his father - in
my mind, if not his.
Or am I?
Maybe a better way to phrase my earlier statement: he's my son,
but I never was his father? I don't know...all in all, I think that I
took it very well - much better than when he told me about the "baby
thing." I'm pretty proud that I kept my temper, but I think that means
that I haven't dealt with it fully. I don't have to now - maybe when the
war is over...or when he has left Vetch. Maybe he'll start telling me the
Damn it, Foster...
Why this? Why now? In the middle of a war of all times? He got
his mother's sense of timing. I will not take responsibility for that.
Of course...I half expected him to do some sort of weird aging thing when
I let him spend that week alone in Shadow. Premonition, huh? I guess
maybe I expected it all along.
He said that he and Murine were sent here to spy. And although
they had some time to themselves, at least I know that there isn't much
they could have said about me, Mum, and Da...we don't lead the most
exciting lives. At least all they could do was report on how incredibly
naive I am. I take small solace in that.
Visited Lyss today. She's not doing too well. I'm sure her
parentage, and the state of the Pattern, are to blame. She's fading. I
mean, she is actually physically disappearing. I don't know what to do,
other than get the Jewel back...and it's not like I can do that by myself.
I hope we can retrieve the other fragments...and soon. I'd hate to watch
her die, while I know that there was something that I could have done
about it. She seems so lonely. I asked Eris and Vivienne to look in on
her. She could use the company.
Apparently Laughter was not nearly so understanding. I find that
after a night's rest, I am not nearly as upset. Laughter, on the other
hand, decided that the way to deal with the matter was to seduce Foster,
and then ambush him in the middle of the night. Even I have more sense
than that. Created quite a row, she did...the little fool. What was she
thinking? That time of day, those tactics, the amount of noise she was
making...I shall be very stern should it happen again! There was ball
lightning careening down the halls at two a.m. Were I her parent, I would
have been very cross...well...I'm not her parent...yet. And I was cross
anyway. I guess being someone's parent has nothing to do with being cross
with them. Maybe if I were her parent, she would have paid attention to
how cross I was. Maybe she will when I'm her father-in-law. At least
Foster had the common sense to stand down when I asked. Then she took
advantage of it. I am very disappointed with this behavior. I thought
she had some sense of honor.
Lyss has found the next piece of the Jewel. It's in a high-tech
Shadow near Chaos. Magic may not work there. It's also probably where
Martin "misplaced" his body. If it's so close to Chaos, I don't
understand what is keeping them from getting the piece first. They
probably already have. Dara seemed plenty motivated when last we met. As
long as I don't loose my body, I'll be OK... I'd probably get someone
Back to the Diary list