Day 2165 RSTE, 757 BPTE

	I've finished hanging another Xeno, more than likely a futile
gesture.  Even if the Shadow will allow magic, my spells have no
discernable effect upon those light ray weapons.  Another Sword-B-Gone, or
even a Blood Map would be of more use, most likely, but I suppose that
avoidance is just more my nature.  Even if it is an ultimately
unsuccessful tactic.  The warning signs began last night, with my
inadvertent attempt on Martin's life.  I'm sure that it has only confirmed
his belief that I want his throne.  He nearly didn't allow Fiona to help
him.  It struck me as extremely ungrateful on his part; I'd done the hard
bit in requesting the waste of her time.  So I held him still while she
scanned what passes currently for his brain, picking out the significant
data from which to draw a Trump.  Driscoll has it now.  No mention of its
completion was ever made to me.  I wonder if my actions were irrelevant
and redundant, but then they must ever have been thus.  After our Aunt
left us alone, I asked him, in a joking threat, what would happen if I
pulled out his metallic tab.  He said he'd die.  I backed down, suddenly
realizing that I was enjoying the opportunity to hurt him for all he's
done to me over the years.  Then he explains that he'd be okay once it was
replaced in its socket.  I pulled it out.  I still cannot say why,
exactly.  It just seemed so easy, I guess.  So I tied him up, again with
no apparent thought, and I replaced the tab.  Nothing happens.  I begin to
think about the sparks that it made.  I panic.  There begins a series of
Trump calls.  Several people came in and out.  I remember being elsewhere,
in a dark room with friends, and I remember being back in Martin's
doorless room.  I think Driscoll was there.  I think I made an ass of
myself.  I had too much to drink.  I wound up in the dungeon, talking to
Barnabas.  Another family obligation, but there's no feeling here.  I
don't know him, really.  My mother kicked him out.  I watched while she
stripped him of his knowledge and dignity.  Nothing.  I promised to speak
to Random on his behalf.  Benedict wishes to speak to me;  I've said
something to a guard which sounds like murder.  I explain, a jester in a
graveyard.  He allows me to leave.  Random, later, says he'll ask Benedict
if he's through with the man who sired me.  Obligation fulfilled.  Warm
phantom feeling in my heart.....  The ambassador toyed with me at dinner. 
I wasn't really into it.  I hung some useful spells and went to bed. 
Somewhere in my dreams, the world exploded.  This morning....  This
morning Lyss disappeared.  She withdrew into the fragments of the Jewel
which we have recovered.  Turns out, she's been fading, quite literally,
ever since the Pattern vaporized.  I'd have known that.  If I'd given a
damn.  I'd try now, but the hurt's been done.  All I can do now is wonder
what made me do it.  Why have I been so self-absorbed recently?  She was
good enough company when we were screwing, but once she was bedridden.... 
I thought I'd loved her.  I guess I've just never known how, really.  Sex
isn't love; I know that.  But somewhere it stopped being playful.  It
stopped being affection.  It occurs to me just how distant I really am. 
How my words and actions shield me from intimacy just as effectively as a
Xeno.  Except sometimes the spell fails, and reality comes crashing down
on me.  It's time to go to the main hall and wait for the others.  They'll
retrieve another shard, and just maybe they'll rescue Martin as well. 
I'll be there too, but I probably won't do anything.

<- Back to the Diary list