From Kris.Fazzari@um.cc.umich.edu Thu Apr 21 15:50:49 1994
Date: Wed, 20 Apr 94 11:31:26 EDT
From: Kris.Fazzari@um.cc.umich.edu
To: thari@umich.edu
Subject: Ariana's Diary

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find 
myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at 
night.  I miss you like hell." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
 
Amber, year three, day 275 continued
 
Afternoon
 
        I wound up at the ocean.  I felt so unclean, I guess I wanted to 
wash it all away.  I should have paid more attention to where I was 
going.  I wound up near the spot where Martin and I made love that 
one night.  I mean Vetch and I.  This is driving me crazy.  While I 
was bathing, a blood-red raven left a white rose for me.  No message, 
no card, just a rose.  What game is Vetch playing?  It has to be him. 
Who else would do this?
 
        I looked up the meaning of a white rose.  It symbolizes purity. 
I don't feel very pure.  It was also likened to Venus, with the 
pricking of the thorns representing the pain of love.  How 
appropriate.  But what is the meaning Vetch meant to imply?  Ahab 
thinks he's offering a truce.  Is that all?
 
        I told Felix and Ahab about Mother.  It didn't seem fair to let 
Felix still believe I was Oberon's daughter, and Ahab has been honest 
to a fault about his parentage.  Besides, I needed to talk to someone 
about it.  Felix invited me out to the summer house.  I think I'll take 
him up on the offer.  Maybe the change of scenery will do me good.  I 
can only hope.
 
        Felix also mentioned that Murine's body doesn't seem to be 
decomposing.  This would seem to indicate that maybe she's still 
alive.  I offered to check psychically.  This, at least, I should be able 
to handle.  Even if I fail at everything else.
 
        Ahab suspects the raven was a blood bird.  Apparently Oberon 
created something similar to bring the Jewel of Judgment to Corwin 
during Patternfall.  Certainly not something I can do.  Ahab did tell 
me of a way to send a message through shadow using animals.  You 
walk through shadow until you find the creature that must be going 
to the place you desire.  Ahab used this method to send his note to 
Rygat.  Given what happened as a result, there can be no doubt that 
it works.  So now I have the means to respond.  I just don't know 
what to say.
 
        Ahab also told me that Kimdyl is from House Vetch.  It seems 
my suspicions were correct.  She's told Ahab she won't help him find 
Vetch.  Hardly a surprise.  Poor Foster.  It must have been difficult to 
hear us going on about killing the head of his house.  No wonder he 
wouldn't talk about it.
 
        I talked with Gerard about Mother.  I suggested it might help 
for Random to talk with her.  He was the only person who loved her 
as child, and he had to deal with the same loss.  Gerard thought it 
was a good idea and agreed to talk to Random.  I hope it helps.  It's 
all I can do.  Gerard doesn't think we should repeat the psychic 
approach.  I don't think I could do it again even if he wanted to.  I 
just hope the insight I gained will help.  I also told Gerard that I am 
Mirelle's daughter, although I allowed him to believe I learned it 
from the scan.  It may be important for him to know when treating 
Mother.  Eral, I wish I could do more to help!
 
Evening
 
        Dinner at the summer house was lovely.  Isabeux served 
lobster.  It reminded me of Maui.  And Mark.  Damn.  I managed to 
get through it without crying.  Felix brought me up to see Murine 
afterwards.  Felix noted that Murine's color looked better.  I smelled 
Logrus in the room.  I told Felix of this, which made him a little 
nervous.  Ahab had mentioned that Kimdyl was working on a spell to 
remove the poison from Murine's body.  Perhaps she was the Logrus 
user I detected.  I'll have to ask Ahab.
 
        Murine is alive.  Sort of.  I detected a psychic presence, but at a 
much lower level than it should be.  I also detected a heart beat, but 
only once per minute.  I think she'll recover, but I have no idea what 
the side affects will be.  The Murine who wakes up may bear little 
resemblance to the Murine Felix knew.  I tried to warn him of this 
possibility.  He seemed to take it well, but I think he's still dealing 
with the knowledge that she actually is alive.
 
        I trumped Ahab, who confirmed Kimdyl had visited Murine. 
Whatever she did seems to have helped.  I noticed Ahab was 
wearing armor and asked what was going on.  He said he was off to 
find Deirdre, who seemed to be unconscious when he trumped her.  I 
offered my assistance.  Ahab was prepared to go by himself, but I 
figured whatever he was getting into, two of us could face it better 
than one.  What else is family for?  Anyway, I told him I was tired of 
patching him up.  So I wound up patching Deirdre up instead.  We 
found her lying in a pool of blood outside of the door to Dworkin's 
lab.  At least what was left of the door.  No sign of Dworkin inside, 
but we didn't hang around very long.
 
        Deirdre was in a bad way.  Multiple contusions and abrasions 
coupled with massive blood loss.  Not to mention the broken bones.  I 
asked Ahab to find help while I set about trying to stop her from 
bleeding to death.  I also asked him to leave Gerard alone if at all 
possible.  We've bothered him enough, and I suspect he'll be rather 
busy tonight.  Ahab eventually brought Driscoll through.  With his 
assistance, and a transfusion from Ahab, Deirdre pulled through.  It 
was a near thing though.
 
        I don't think Ahab understood how serious it was.  At the 
beginning he asked me to explain what I was doing.  I didn't have 
the time.  I'll have to talk to him later to see if he's interested in 
instruction.  I can certainly suggest some books to start out with.
 
        Ahab trumped Kimdyl while we were doing the transfusion 
and they settled into their usual banter.  It was rather distracting, so 
I told him he was making me nauseous.  He made a comment about it 
being indeterminate-time-of-the-day sickness.  Driscoll was rather 
confused by this.  I told him I'd explain later.  I could have sworn I 
told him about my pregnancy, but now that I think about it, I never 
got around to it.  I was only in Amber once after I learned the news, 
and by that point I was too busy trying to determine if Mark was a 
Chaosite.  I'll explain the next time I see him.
 
        I still haven't gotten the hang teleporting with the Pattern, so I 
had to ride back out to the summer house.  I could have spent the 
night in Amber, but I didn't want anyone to worry when they 
noticed I was missing at Gerard's.  And I didn't want to wake anyone 
up to trump me back.  Besides, the ride along the beach was lovely in 
the moonlight.
 
        As I was getting ready for bed, I received another two roses. 
What does it mean?  Will there be three next time?  I really must 
make up my mind about Vetch.  I can't kill him.  Not anymore.  I 
couldn't face our child if I did.  But can I forgive him?  I'm not sure. 
I need to know why he left me the way he did.  And if he was 
responsible for what happened to Murine and Ariadne.  But if he 
wants a truce, I'm willing to go that far.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I'm 
still in love with him.  Or at least with Mark.  It's hard for me to 
separate the two.  Am I being foolish?  Yes.  But that doesn't change 
how I feel.  Sometimes I think this is all a bad dream, and when I 
wake up everything will be fine.  If only it were that simple
 
Amber, year three, day 276
 
Morning
 
        I slept poorly again last night.  More bad dreams.  I gave up 
around eight and went downstairs for breakfast.  Felix had a guest. 
Or rather Foster did.  His name is Riftvan and he is quite charming. 
It's been a while since anyone's told me I'm beautiful.  Mark used 
to... no, I won't think about that.  Riftvan has been Foster's friend for 
five years.  He claims he's a Faerie and he certainly looks like the 
ones I've read about in books.  Of course, he doesn't hail from Chaos 
itself, but close by.  I'd like to talk to Riftvan, but not while Foster is 
present.  I suspect Riftvan was assigned as a kind of guardian angel 
for Foster.  Which means Riftvan might be able to answer some of 
my questions about Vetch.  I think Ahab has the same idea. 
Apparently Riftvan has visited before, and Felix told Ahab about 
him.  Ahab expressed an interest in meeting Riftvan.  Why neither 
Felix nor Ahab told me of Riftvan is anyone's guess.  Well, two can 
play at this game.  If Ahab wants to go it alone, he can find Riftvan 
himself.