From Kris.Fazzari@um.cc.umich.edu Thu Apr 14 18:06:37 1994
Date: Thu, 14 Apr 94 17:52:16 EDT
From: Kris.Fazzari@um.cc.umich.edu
To: thari@umich.edu
Subject: Ariana's Diary

Amber, year three, day 274 continued
 
Evening
 
        Dinner was relatively uneventful.  Gerard and I decided to wait 
until tomorrow morning to work on Mirelle's problem.  I don't think 
she's going to take it well.  I quizzed Foster a bit about the way 
Houses function in Chaos.  He looked bored by the whole thing, which 
means I don't think he figured out what I was fishing for.  Foster was 
awfully reluctant to say which House he belonged to.  I can think of 
only one reason why.  I hope I'm wrong.
 
        Ahab insisted on telling Felix about the Pattern's affect on 
fertility, right in front of Foster.  Ahab's crack about it being the 
Pattern's idea of a practical joke seemed to mean something to the 
boy.  Naturally we couldn't persuade him to share his insight with 
the rest of us.  I think Ahab is foolish to trust Foster with 
information when he obviously isn't willing to do the same.  I'm 
probably being too hard on the boy.  He is only ten.  But he's an 
awfully intelligent ten, and I'm sure he knows more than he's letting 
on.
 
        Isabeux and Gerard exchanged some interesting glances when 
they heard about the Pattern.  Could they be planning to have 
another child?  Since I learned about the Pattern's affect on fertility, 
I've been viewing it as more of an inconvenience.  I never really 
thought about how it could be an advantage.
 
        I raced Ahab back to Amber.  I won the horse race back to the 
stables, but he beat me by foot up to the Castle.  I've decided to 
spend the remaining hours of the day studying the Pattern.
 
Amber, year three, day 275
 
Morning
 
        I was more exhausted than I thought, for I fell asleep on the 
floor of the Pattern room.  I did not sleep well.  I awoke in the 
middle of the night and opted to spend the remaining time in the 
comfort of my own bed.  However empty it may be.
 
        I wish Vetch would stop haunting my dreams.
 
        Things just don't make sense anymore.  Bleys is missing, and 
Random claims he hasn't spoken to him for several days.  Did Vetch 
impersonate Random and call Bleys away into a trap?  Or was Bleys 
inventing an excuse to leave?  How do we fight someone who can 
imitate anyone we know?  For all we know, Bleys may have been 
Vetch in disguise.
 
        Kimdyl and Alex were both as unhelpful as I'd anticipated.  I'm 
sure they both know more about Vetch and his house than they let 
on.  Especially Kimdyl.  I wish I understood why she is so jealous of 
me.  Ahab and I ended our relationship before hers began.  It's not 
like I'm still sleeping with him.
 
        Someone shapeshifted themselves to look like Ahab and 
seduced Ariadne.  It sounds like something Vetch would do.  It 
certainly fits his past behavior.  The one thing I can't figure out is 
why.  Supposedly he's plotting to obtain children who are half-
Chaosite and half-Amberite.  But Ariadne already is half-Chaosite 
and half-Amberite.  Plus, picking someone as obvious as Ahab just 
screams out to be discovered.  Why didn't he use a less identifiable 
form?  If there's one thing about Vetch that has impressed me, it's 
how clever he is, but this whole scenario was anything but clever. 
Ariadne will want to kill him.  She's probably got the best chance of 
any of us to do it too.  I caught up with her and told her I knew what 
she was going through.  I offered to talk with her, but she wanted to 
be alone.  As I expected.  I reacted the same way after I found out 
about Mark.  I never did take Vialle up on her offer to talk.  Maybe I 
should.
 
        The biggest problem we're facing is our lack of knowledge 
about Vetch and his house.  We didn't even know he was a Head of 
House until yesterday.  We know nothing about his background or 
the house that he rules.  Hell, we don't even know his name.  Vetch is 
his house name.  It bothers me that I know so little about the father 
of my child.
 
Afternoon
 
        I'm crying again.  I can't help it.  I feel terrible.  I don't know if 
I can do this anymore.  Maybe Fiona will take over.  I hope so.
 
        Mother had a terrible life.  Brand made her childhood 
absolutely miserable.  The things he did to her!  I don't think I'll ever 
be able to forgive him.  Oberon was as bad a father as I've heard. 
The only people who loved her were her mother and Random, of all 
people.  Then her mother committed suicide.  I think that's the key. 
She's never really dealt with that.  If we can get her to cope with it, 
she should recover.  At least that's what I believe.  My classes in 
psychiatry never really dealt with this method of treatment.
 
        Even if we do help her, I've probably ruined any chance for us 
to be a family.  She said as much herself.  And it hurt.  I really didn't 
want to do this against her will.  But if it comes to a choice between 
curing her and earning her enmity or leaving her the way she is, 
well, there's no choice at all.  I just wish she understood that I want 
to help her.  I wouldn't put myself through this otherwise.
 
        She killed my father.  She didn't mean to, she just went crazy 
shortly after I was born.  That's when she decided to give me up. 
Father was a sculptor from Shadow Earth.  The same place my 
grandmother was from.  What is it about that place that attracts us 
so?  I see so much of myself in him.  It hurts more than I can say 
that I'll never get to know him.
 
        If I feel this way, how is my child going to feel?  Is this some 
kind of curse the women in my family must endure?  Fall in love, 
bear a child, kill the father?  How can I do this?  What choice do I 
have?  Vetch killed Murine just because she knew some information 
about him.  He had Foster and Kimdyl kidnapped.  I fear what he has 
planned for our child.  But how can I kill him and then face our 
child?  I'm not sure I can do that!  Eral, please, help me find another 
way.