From Kris.Fazzari@um.cc.umich.edu Thu Mar 31 15:03:17 1994
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 94 11:58:18 EST
From: Kris.Fazzari@um.cc.umich.edu
To: thari@umich.edu
Subject: Ariana's diary

Amber, year three, day 273
 
Morning
 
        I watched the dawn from the battlements.  It was rather 
breathtaking, although I'm afraid I spent most of the time 
contemplating the drop and thinking how easy it would be to step 
over the edge and end things.  But I can't take that way out, at least 
not while Vetch is alive.  I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing 
how much he's affected me.
 
        After the sun rose over the horizon, I decided to confront 
Mirelle.  It probably wasn't the wisest thing I could have done, but I 
no longer care.  Mirelle denied she was my mother.  I might be more 
inclined to believe her if she wasn't so obviously insane.  She also 
claimed to know about the Chaos plot involving the children, but the 
only child she would identify was Foster.  Who she could have 
learned about from any of the guards.  Then she got rather... 
personal.  I came very close to losing my temper.  If she wasn't 
hidden by the darkness of her cell, I believe I would have tried to 
rip the information from her mind.  Instead I left, before I did 
something rash.
 
        Since walking the Pattern is no longer an option in attempting 
to learn Ahab's trick, I decided to study its image instead.  Besides, I 
figured the Pattern room would be deserted and I was in no mood 
for company.  After all, the only other person I'd have to worry 
about is Ahab, and I don't think Amber's Pattern will let him walk it 
anymore.  Much to my surprise, my solitude was interrupted by 
Felix, of all people.  He told me that Foster had told him more about 
the other Amberite child in Chaos, a red-haired girl named Theresa. 
Well, at least I'm in good company.  Corwin, Felix and possibly Bleys 
or Brand got snared as well.  Foster also heard rumors of an older 
child in Chaos, but never saw him (or her).  Felix was wondering if 
Merlin might be the older child and was going to have the Pattern 
take him there, since no one seems to have Merlin's trump.  I'm 
afraid I wasn't very nice to him.  Like I said, I wasn't in the best of 
moods at the time.  I pointed out that if Merlin was in on the plot, 
he'd hardly tell Felix about it.  Felix seemed to think their past 
friendship would count for something.  Hah.  I thought Mark loved 
me, and look what happened.
 
        After Felix left, I had some peace and quiet for a time.  It 
occurred to me that I should talk to Gerard about my conversation 
with Mirelle.  He would know for sure if there was any chance that 
she was telling the truth.  He was disappointed to hear what she'd 
said.  I guess he thought she was improving.  He said something 
about wanting Fiona's help, since he'd done everything he could.  I 
offered my assistance, if he thought I could help.  He seemed to think 
it might be relatively simple to fix things from inside Mirelle's mind. 
I hope he's right.  I'll admit my motives aren't completely altruistic 
here.  There a good possibility that in helping Mirelle, I may find the 
answers to some of my questions.  I asked Gerard to assist me, since 
I don't think Mirelle will take this sitting down.  He agreed, but we'll 
have to wait until Felix gets back, since Gerard's baby-sitting Foster 
in Felix's absence.  Felix said he'd be back by mid-afternoon or so, so 
I'll try Gerard after dinner.
 
Afternoon
 
        I'm not quite sure how much time passed after I talked to 
Gerard.  I know I missed breakfast and lunch, but I didn't notice. 
Watching the Pattern seems to have a calming affect on me.  At one 
point, the Pattern created an image of a double-helix.  I wasn't sure 
what it was trying to say, so I commented that it would be easier if it 
could talk.  You can image my surprise when I heard a voice say "Oh, 
but I can."  Ahab told me the Pattern was sentient, but he never said 
anything about it talking.  I was even more surprised when Mirelle 
stepped out of the shadows.  For a split second, I thought she might 
have escaped, but the way she was talking made that seem unlikely. 
Then I thought the Pattern had simply used her image to facilitate 
our conversation.  She did say she'd been on my mind a lot lately 
(how did the Pattern know that?).  But she was also Mirelle, in a way. 
She seemed to have Mirelle's memories.  She certainly reacted the 
way I'd expect Mirelle to react to the news of what she did to Brand. 
I'll have to ask Ahab if he's ever encountered anything similar.
 
        This Mirelle admitted that she's my mother.  When I asked her 
why she abandoned me, she said she was at a phase in her life when 
she couldn't care for me.  Apparently she was afraid if she kept me, 
she might kill me.  Given her current state of mind, I'm inclined to 
agree.  I certainly can't complain about my childhood.  She didn't 
want to talk about my father.  Obviously I've inherited my track 
record with men from her.  She did tell me that my father is dead. 
The way she said it makes me wonder if she killed him.  In a way, 
I'm relieved that he's dead.  There was a part of me that was 
concerned that Brand might be my father.  Mirelle obviously holds 
quite a grudge against Brand.  And Heather proves Brand wasn't 
above sleeping with shadows of his sisters.  Raping Mirelle wouldn't 
be that much further for him to go.  An unlikely possibility, to be 
sure, but after what Ahab told me about Corwin and Deirdre, it 
worried me.  I wonder why Dworkin told me Oberon was my father? 
And why Tir-na Nog'th showed me the same?  I'll have to look into 
this further.  At least I now know where I fit into the family. 
Assuming the Pattern wasn't lying to me too.
 
        We talked for a little while longer.  Mirelle said I was on the 
right track with my current study of the Pattern.  I asked her if the 
Pattern's affect on fertility was deliberate or a side affect, but she 
wouldn't say.  She did hint that my current situation is more due to 
Vetch's manipulations than the Pattern's.  I asked her what would 
happen if I walked the Pattern in my current condition, but she 
didn't know.  Apparently, it's never happened before.  Not surprising 
given how few women there are in the family and how seldom they 
are pregnant.  It is odd that I have so many more male relatives than 
female.  Only four aunts (well five, if you count Coral) and two 
cousins.  Plus Eris and Emer.  I suppose it could be a coincidence.  At 
any rate, I have a feeling that if I walked the Pattern right now, the 
child would not survive.  But if walking the Pattern causes a 
spontaneous abortion, I don't think the Pattern would be too happy 
with the results.
 
        There were many things I would have liked to ask Mirelle. 
Like why she didn't tell me she was my mother when Driscoll first 
brought me to her.  But she couldn't remain long.  I was sorry to see 
her go, but talking with her lifted my depression somewhat.  It is 
nice to finally know my place in this family.
 
Evening
 
        My stomach finally realized I hadn't eaten all day, so I made 
sure I was at dinner.  Oddly enough, Felix wasn't there, even though 
it was several hours past when he expected to return.  I decided to 
trump him, just to make sure he was OK.  I figured he'd understand. 
After all, usually when people go missing around here, something has 
gone wrong.  Like when Ahab was almost killed by Rygat, or Felix 
was imprisoned by her.  It turns out Felix was fine.  He was quite 
surprised to find that so much time had passed in Amber. 
Apparently four years passed in Shadow Earth during his six days in 
Amber, so he'd assumed he had more time.  We both agreed it was 
most peculiar, especially given the fact that Maui had similar time 
flow irregularities.  I told him to say hello to Merlin before breaking 
the contact.  I wonder how Merlin's doing, anyway?  Hopefully he's 
having a better time in shadow than Felix and I did.
 
        Dinner was relatively uneventful otherwise.  Heather did look 
exceedingly nervous until Mandor walked in.  Odd, she never struck 
me as the nervous type.  In the past I might have investigated 
further, but nowadays I could care less.  I trumped Gerard after 
dinner, but with Felix still gone, he couldn't leave Foster.  I told him 
of Felix's observations regarding the time flow in Shadow Earth.  He 
suggested I talk to Flora, since it's her shadow.
 
        Flora was interested in what Felix and I had noticed, but she 
doesn't know who's responsible.  She said most of my aunts and 
uncles have the necessary skill.  I'll bet Vetch would as well.  I 
promised to tell her if we learned who was behind it.  The visit 
wasn't completely wasted, as it gave me a chance to thank Flora for 
her help with my education.  Regardless of how my travels might 
have ended, or what I thought of some of the shadows I stayed in, 
she was willing to help me learn what I needed to, and made an 
effort to make sure I didn't suffer from culture shock.  I'm grateful 
for her help, and wanted to let her know I hadn't taken her for 
granted.
 
        After I left Flora's quarters, I wanted to see if my studies of 
the Pattern had paid off, but missing breakfast and lunch had left me 
rather unsettled.  To be blunt, I probably vomited most of what I ate 
for dinner.  Eventually my stomach calmed down enough for me to 
keep down some food.  I remember learning during my OB/GYN 
rotation that the best way to fight morning sickness is to have 
several small meals instead of a few large ones.  So I skip two meals 
and try to make up for it at the third.  Ariana, you should know 
better!  Of course, I wasn't really thinking straight for much of the 
day.  Still, things don't seem as bad as they did this morning.  They 
don't seem all that great, but I no longer want to kill myself.  Then 
again, pregnancy brings on mood swings, so it remains to be seen 
how long this will last.