From Kris.Fazzari@um.cc.umich.edu Fri Feb 18 14:56:13 1994 Date: Fri, 18 Feb 94 14:36:28 EST From: Kris.Fazzari@um.cc.umich.edu To: thari@umich.edu Subject: Ariana's Diary Maui, year 3, day 259 I've learned something new today. Trying to alter probability is a tricky thing. Especially while hang gliding. I wanted to make it probable that the wind would shift in such a manner that I could do a low dive over Mark. Unfortunately, I wound up shifting shadow instead. I shifted back as fast as I could, then realized that I should have gained some altitude first. Ouch. I barely had time to brace myself before I hit the trees. The glider was a total loss, but I escaped with nothing more than a bump on the head. Mark was understandably upset. From his point of view, I actually vanished, then reappeared somewhere else and crashed. Fortunately he was too worried about my knock on the head to ask me much about it. He's afraid that I might have gotten a concussion and wants to take me to the emergency room. I know I'm fine but I'll go, just to stop him from worrying. He's so cute when he gets concerned. Maui, day 259 continued I'm three weeks pregnant. I was obviously too hasty in concluding that I was sterile. While I am happy to learn I was wrong, I can't say much for the timing. I suppose I should be grateful that this happened at a time in my life when I can be sure of who the father is. Mark took this much better than I was expecting. He actually seemed delighted by the news. I don't know what I did to deserve him. This pregnancy complicates things. Hang gliding is obviously out. Mark isn't real keen on surfing either. Walking the Pattern is definitely out. Eral only knows what that would do to an unborn child. Nothing good, I'm sure. I'll have to be more careful about what I eat and drink. I guess we'll see how much I remember from my OB/GYN rotation. At least there's no sign of morning sickness so far. There are so many things to decide. Do I have the child here, in Amber, or somewhere else entirely? Where do I raise it? What about it's education? I could avoid all of this if I aborted the child, but I can't bring myself to do that. What if it's the only child I'll ever have? Besides, I want to have it. I just need to get used to the idea. I will have to tell Mark the truth about me. Eral only knows how he'll react to that. But if I have to go back to Amber, and then return six months later but not six months pregnant, things would be hard to explain. I'm going to hold off on telling him for a few weeks more, though. No sense giving him too many shocks at once. I wish Jalana was still alive. She'd be so happy for me. And I could talk about this with her. It's not fair. I was there to see her children were born. Why can't she be here for me? At least I have Mark. But I still wish I had been able to share this with Jalana. At least I'll have some company in my newfound parenthood. Ahab's in the same situation, and Felix is also, in a way. Quite an Amber baby boom. It seems hard to believe it's a coincidence. It worries me. Mostly because of what Felix has told me about Murine. I wonder if she's told him any more? If what I've heard so far is true, her former allies must be stopped. How many other children besides Foster do they have? And what if they decide they want more? Like Ahab's child? Or mine? I don't want to raise my child constantly wondering if someone will try to take him from me. Or her. We must do something to stop them, and soon. Maui, year 3, day 264 I've decided to name the baby Jalana, if it's girl. After all, we did promise to name our first-born daughters after each other. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have for my daughter's namesake. I hope it's a girl. If it's a boy, I'm not as sure of what to name it. There are several names that I like: Ambrose, Dareious, Jason, Leiandros, Orion, or Theron, after my father. I'm sure Mark has some suggestions of his own. We haven't seriously discussed names yet. After all, we have eight months to decide. I've plan to have the child here, if at all possible. The technology is much better than in Amber. Maui, year 3, day 266 I decided to trump Ahab, to tell him of my pregnancy and learn what's been happening in Amber. I found out more than I bargained for. Heather and Mandor have just had a child. I believe that leaves Martin and Merlin as the only ones from our generation who do not have offspring. Oh, and Shard, I guess. He hasn't been seen in Amber since Rygat was imprisoned. Rumor has it that Julian was not pleased with him. Ahab also thought it was odd that so many of us are having children, but he had a possible explanation for the two of us. We've both been walking the Pattern a fair amount, and Ahab thinks that walking the Pattern increases one's fertility. An interesting theory, if true. I intend to be careful about that in the future. He's also pretty sure that the Pattern is sentient. He thinks it gains power every time someone walks it. Apparently he learned this from Corwin's Pattern. Which he's walked. Because he's... I can't even say it. I'm beginning to think I may be better off not knowing who my parents were. Look at Ahab. His mother is psychotic and suicidal. When I trumped him, he was giving blood for her because she had slit her wrists. And his father... No wonder Dworkin is so upset with Deirdre. I can't say I blame him. How could she do that? Still, it's not Ahab's fault, and Dworkin shouldn't be punishing him! In a way I wish he hadn't told me. I dislike having to keep my own secrets, and keeping someone else's is even worse. I only hope that I can bury it deep enough in my mind so that no one else can find it. At least now I know why he couldn't show me how he does his Pattern transport trick. He's using Corwin's Pattern, not Dworkin's, something I couldn't fail to notice. I don't know why he chose to share the truth about his background with me at this time, but indicates a trust in me that I will not betray. Ahab hasn't heard anything new about Murine's fellow Chaosites and their plot. For obvious reasons, he is as eager as I am to end their threat. He isn't sure if anything's being done about it though. It's only been a few days in Amber, so Random may not have even been informed. Ahab also asked me something I haven't wanted to think about. How do I know that Mark isn't a Chaosite like Murine, sent to father a child with an Amberite? I don't. There's no way for me to tell. Vetch had me completely fooled back in Amber. Damn Ahab for reminding me of that. I trumped Felix afterwards. He and Ahab were the only people I have trumps of that I cared to tell my news. He's still having trouble with Foster. Apparently Eris has decided that Foster is just the right age to be her playmate. Foster doesn't agree. He shapeshifted to a demonic from and scared Eris half to death. Then he hid under the bed because he couldn't change back. Poor Felix. Nothing's quite prepared him for this. He quite seriously warned me not to teach my child shapeshifting. As if I could teach my child something I can't do myself. I tried to reassure Felix that it's normal for him to be having trouble adjusting. I still don't think he believed me. I really wish he would have more confidence in himself. Of all my cousins, he is probably the best suited for parenthood. He has such a kind heart. He doesn't deserve what Murine did to him. Felix also pointed out the possibility of Mark being a Chaosite. Too bad he had no better idea of how to determine if this is true than I did. We both agree that Alex is probably the person to ask. The problem is, I don't have a trump of Alex, nor does he have a trump of me. I could go to Amber to talk to him, but that would mean leaving Mark for several days or more, something I couldn't easily explain. Felix offered to tell Alex that I need to talk to him and see if he's willing to visit me here. I find myself in an agonizing dilemma. I love Mark. I think he loves me. I've been happier in the past three months than I have been for most of my life. It's difficult for me to believe that all the love and concern Mark has shown for me is just an act. But after what Vetch did to me, and Murine did to Felix, I have to admit it is possible. The smart thing to do would be to leave. Go back to Amber, where I would be safer. But what if Mark is exactly what he appears to be? I won't keep him from ever knowing our child, or our child from knowing it's father, based on nothing more than a possibility. I won't give up what we have because I was fooled once before. If I do, I'll spend the rest of my life suspecting every man I sleep with. And I won't live my life that way. I can't. Still, I wish there was a way I could be sure.