From Kris.Fazzari@um.cc.umich.edu Sat Feb 5 17:05:57 1994 Date: Sat, 5 Feb 94 17:01:02 EST From: Kris.Fazzari@um.cc.umich.edu To: thari@umich.edu Subject: Ariana's Diary Kriga, day 150 Emerson was right when he said "You can't go home again." I have tried. My home, as I knew it, is gone. I suppose it was foolish for me to think that everything would be the same, but I did not expect to find that so much time has passed. Jalana is long dead, and her children are as well. I never had a chance to say good-bye to her. I was looking forward to telling her all about my travels, but now I will never have the chance. I should have come back sooner. But how was I to know that less than a year in Amber would be so much longer here? Kira and the others are taking it badly. At least I have lost friends and parents before. Jalana was the only real tie I had left. But they left while they were young. They have to deal with the loss of their parents, siblings and friends all at once. I am doing what I can to help, but it will take time for them to recover. At least I am still remembered, even if it is only as a legend. You should have seen the expressions on people's faces when I arrived in Kriga. It seems all sorts of stories sprang up when I disappeared. The common consensus seems to be that I went to join the other gods. It is true, in a way. There were the usual celebrations, but my heart was not really into it. It was fun, but I do not really know any of these people anymore. I suspect I will be leaving for school sooner than I anticipated. But not until Kira and the others are ready. I have given them the option of remaining, but I do not think they will. They now know more people in Amber than they do here. I feel badly about this, but I had no way of knowing we would be gone for so long. Kriga, day 156 We leave Kriga today. My companions have decided not to stay, as I expected. Somewhat unexpected is the growing relationship between Kira and Randal. I am happy for them, although this means I will be seeing less of Randal. No matter. I still have Jan, Arn and Darin to keep me company. I contacted Flora, and she told me where my schooling is to begin. Once I feel I am acclimated, I am to contact her again. If she feels I have made the necessary adjustment, she will tell me where to go next. She stressed that the culture in some of these shadows will be different from what I am used to, so I may find it difficult to blend in. At least she promised to send me someplace warm. Rome, day 158 The adjustment is not too difficult, so far. Although I did not expect the first one would be. It is a bit depressing, though. There are many aspects of the culture that are similar to my own, but that is because my culture was conquered and absorbed. But the climate is good and the men are handsome. Things could be worse. Constantinople, day 190 The oddest thing about this place is that they worship only one god. As if one being could possibly have enough time to oversee everything. I thought this would bother me more, but what I experienced in Amber has made me wonder if any gods exist at all. At least gods in the way I think of them. Gerard and Flora were right about advancing slowly. I am having enough trouble adjusting to the changes without giving myself away. A greater change would have been impossible. I do not expect to be writing in this diary very often now. My days are mostly filled with studying. Unless something occurs which I find interesting enough to record, I see no reason to do more than note my impressions of the new shadow. Madrid, day 224 I do not care much for the clothing here. Nor the way women are regarded. The men are still handsome, though, and definitely hot-blooded. Still, I think I preferred Rome. Rome, day 261 I am back in Rome, but much has changed. Even here, the women dress themselves in far too much clothing. And they expect the women to be chaste! And there are so many rules that must be observed while in public. Much of what I loved about this place is gone, with only ruins left in remembrance. I intend to hurry my studies along as quickly as I am able. The sooner I am gone from this place, the better. London, day 307 So much for Flora's promise to send me to warm climates. This place is cold and damp, with the sun appearing only rarely. It reminds me of Heather's manor, and I do not like it at all. The styles of the clothing have changed, but their restrictiveness has not. Women are expected to marry and raise families, and not much else. I do most of my studying by hiring tutors, since women just do not concern themselves with math and science. How does Coral stand it in her homeland? I cannot be rid of here fast enough. Atlanta, day 355 I swear Flora does this to me on purpose. At least the weather is better, even if the attitudes and clothing are not. Do you have any idea how many layers of clothing the women must wear here? Not to mention those awful corsets. The men all seem to regard me as something fragile that might break at the slightest gust of wind. Needless to say, this is not making my studies easy at all. I am enrolled in a women's medical school here. Most of the schools are still for men only. The resistance I encounter is astounding. Even some of my professors seem to think teaching us is a waste of time. The prevailing attitude seems to be that our brains simply cannot handle anything so complicated. I would love to take Alastor and show them how simple and fragile I am. Who would deliberately seek out a shadow like this, anyway? , year 2, day 120 Finally, a shadow where I can be me again! No stifling layers of petticoats and dresses. No corsets. It is wonderful! I think I am going to like it here. , year 3, day 133 I'm finally done with med. school. Most of my classmates are heading straight into residency. Not me! I intend to party my little heart out. And finally learn how to fly. I've been dying to, ever since I came to this shadow, but med. school kept me pretty busy. It's not easy to fit two years of schooling into one! But now I finally have the time. Where to go first? The Riviera? The Mediterranean? The Caribbean? Hawaii? All of the above? Why not? I have plenty of time. For the first time in years I have no studying to do. And I rather like this shadow. This is going to be fun. Maui, year 3, day 227 I've been having so much fun, I completely forgot about this diary. The Riviera was wonderful. You can walk around practically naked, and no one minds. Most of the Mediterranean was the same. It was fun to visit Italy and Greece, and the Caribbean was a blast. But I definitely like Hawaii the best. Because Hawaii is where I met Mark. He's tall and well built, with long black hair and eyes as blue as a summer sky. When I first met him I was looking for a flying instructor. The minute I saw him, I wanted him, and he felt the same. We've been inseparable ever since. He's taught me how to fly. I've taught him how to sail. We've snorkeled and SCUBA dived off every island in the state. I've even learned how to surf! And the sex is wonderful. The best I've ever had with someone who wasn't from Amber or the Courts. It's been two months now, and I don't want to ever leave. I wish I could tell him the truth about me. But I'm afraid I'll lose him. Why couldn't I have found someone like this in Amber? Probably because I seem to be related to most of the people I've met there. I wonder how things are going in Amber, anyway? I haven't talked to any family since I left, other than Flora. I haven't really wanted to either. It's so nice to be not have to worry about anything more stressful than what to do tomorrow. I hope Felix and Ahab are having as much fun as I am. Maui, year 3, day 235 Mark had to go home today. A family emergency. I miss him already. I offered to go with him, but he said it would be better if he went by himself. He promised to write me when things get more settled. Now that he's gone, there doesn't seem to be as much to do, somehow. I'm considering trumping Ahab and catching up on recent events in Amber. I'm curious as to how he and Kimdyl are getting along. Maui, day 235 continued Felix has a son. Ahab is expecting a child. It's hard to believe how much can change in such a short period off time. I find it amusing, to say the least, that Ahab, the master of non-commitment, will soon have a child to deal with. I think it will be good for him. It certainly will be fun to watch. I had to learn the news from Felix. Ahab wasn't talking when I trumped him. He just wanted me to call him back later. He looked white as a sheet. I can't ever recall him looking so scared before. I offered to help, but he insisted he was fine. Bullshit. I hope Dworkin isn't after him. Well, if he wants to get himself killed, that's his business. All the same, I still plan to check in with him later, just to make sure he's OK. Felix seemed rather nervous when I talked to him. He told me that he had only been through two semesters at his school before he had to go back to Amber. He wouldn't say why. It took a while for me to learn about his son. There's something odd about the whole thing. Only six months have passed in Amber while I've been gone, but his son is already ten years old. Felix didn't mention anything about the boy's mother either. He suggested I come to dinner in Amber for the whole story. I think I will. I'd like to meet the boy, and I'm not doing anything here. As long as I'm not gone too long, I doubt Mark will be back before I am. Assuming he does come back. I'll leave a note, just in case. He's not the only one who can have a family emergency. Amber, year 3, day 236 The boy's name is Foster and he's absolutely adorable. It won't be long before he's turning the head's of every woman in the Castle. Felix doesn't quite seem to know what to do with him. Given that Felix only found out about Foster early today, and he's never had much experience with children, I'm not surprised. It must be difficult to suddenly learn you have a child. Felix still won't say much about Foster's mother. Foster said something about Amber being better than he'd been taught that makes me suspect he's spent some time in Chaos. He's having trouble adjusting to being here. I understand that all too well. Other than his eyes, it's difficult to believe Foster and Felix are related. Foster seems to be a very studious type, with little liking for sports and outdoor activities. Felix tried to get him interested in riding, but he seems to have had a bad experience with that once. He did look interested when I mentioned the labyrinth underneath the Castle, so I offered to take him exploring down there. I tried to get Felix to go, but he didn't want to. I think he still needs time to adjust. Ahab walked in during dinner, looking quite bruised but otherwise intact. Apparently he succeeded at whatever it was he was trying to do. He didn't look very happy though. The most surprising point of the evening was when Felix and I were talking after dinner. I offered to help him with Foster, at which point he apologized for the way he'd been treating me before he left for school. He didn't think I was acting like a proper Victorian lady. Having been there, I can honestly say I wouldn't want to. Apparently his time in California helped to broaden his mind in that regard. This explains why he was acting so oddly. Hopefully things will be better between us now. Hearing the recent news has further convinced me that I must be sterile. Look at all the years that I've been having sex, without a single pregnancy. Yet in the span of six months, Ahab gets Kimdyl pregnant and Felix has a child as well. Not that I'm desperate for a child right now, but I would like to have children someday. It's distressing to think I may not be able to. Well, that's a worry for the future. For now, I'd like to look in on Mirelle. I hope Gerard's been able to help her. I've left a note for Alex, asking if there's anything new on Vetch. I'd like to find out more about his capabilities. If we have to fight him, it would be useful to know what we're up against.