Amber, day 140
 
        Ahab and I were able to successfully forge a new blade.  Driscoll
returned from shadow for the enchantment, which was also a success.  Since
the custom around Amber seems to be to name enchanted blades, I have
decided to name mine Alastor, which means "the avenger" in my native
tongue.  Driscoll has made some modifications to his sunglasses.  Now they
only grow dark in bright light.  It certainly must make wearing them
inside much easier.  He commented that several people now owe him favors.
I could have pointed out that I once saved his life, and he even said he
owed me one.  But the fact remains that I still have a fond place in my
heart for him, and would be willing to help him with almost anything,
favor or no favor.  He and Ahab are probably the only two relatives of
mine that I really trust to that extent.
 
        Speaking of Ahab, I believe our relationship has come to an end.
It was enjoyable while it lasted, but we have not slept together for a
while, and I believe Ahab is no longer interested in doing so.  I am
somewhat annoyed, partly because I am usually the one who becomes bored
first, so I hate being on the other end of things, and partly because I
expected Ahab to tell me when he no longer wished to sleep with me, rather
than my having to infer it all.  I have been expecting this to happen ever
since Dworkin confronted us.  Still, I had a good time, although I do not
plan to sleep with any more of my relatives.  My relationship to them is
too uncertain.  It is not that I am afraid I might conceive a child (my
past history makes that seem unlikely), but I do not wish to risk angering
Dworkin about the matter.  Not only am I hoping he will teach me more
about the Pattern, but his current mood is edgy enough as it is.  I do not
want to wind up in the same position as Ahab, with Dworkin wanting me
dead.  Since Ahab is no longer interested in me, and Martin turned out to
be a Chaosite, I am free of the only relationships I had within the
family.  Perhaps if I knew for certain who my parents were, I might
reconsider.  But, to be honest, while Felix or Shard might be good for a
night's enjoyment, the only relative I might consider more of an
involvement with is Driscoll.  And I do not think he would be comfortable
with that.
 
        I asked Driscoll some questions about how he originally found me.
It seems that it was Mirelle who pointed him in the right direction.  This
adds support to the theory that she is my mater.  After all, if she left
me there, she would certainly know how to find me.
 
        My audience with Random went as expected.  He has no idea where
Vetch is, and he does not seem to care.  I lost my temper.  It probably
was not the wisest thing I could have done, but I was so angry!  I left
before I could say anything that might get me killed.
 
        Alex was more helpful.  He knows where Vetch's estates are, but he
pointed out that Vetch is not likely to be there.  He promised to let me
know when Vetch is found.  Assuming Vetch is not killed fighting Gramble's
forces.
 
Amber, day 142
 
        Well, yet another plan has been shot all to Hell, as Ahab would
say.  My attempt at using Pattern energy to probe my memory failed
miserably.  I suppose I should be grateful that I was not injured more
severely.  I paid as much attention to the details of the walk as I was
able to, but the very nature of the walk makes this difficult.  It is
obviously something I will have to do repeatedly before I become familiar
enough with it to do what Ahab does.
 
        I reached the center with no more than the usual effort, caught my
breath, cleared my mind, wielded the energy... and knocked myself
unconscious.  I still have no idea how long I lay there.  I am grateful
that no one walked in and found me that way.  Upon regaining
consciousness, I made an offhand comment to the Pattern, and it seemed to
spark in reply.  I could not elicit any further response, and I might have
dismissed it completely, except that I remember Ahab insisting once that
the Pattern was sentient.  Perhaps that confidence he spoke of was an
agreement he made with the Pattern, maybe to keep silent about its
sentience in exchange for learning how to transport himself.  Anything is
possible in Amber, it seems.  I find the idea disturbing, to say the
least.
 
        If it is sentient, it has a rather interesting mind set.  I asked
it to take me to the Primal Pattern, so I could walk that one and compare.
It brought me there, but deposited me in the center instead of at the
beginning.  It could be coincidence, but such misinterpretations are
usually only made my intelligent beings, not inanimate objects.  Since I
was already at the center, I made another attempt to use the energy, this
time going more slowly and carefully, using as little of the power as
possible.
 
        I awoke to find Dworkin standing over me.  He told me it was a
stunt worthy of Ahab, which I will admit it was.  He has probably been a
bad influence on me in that regard, and I admitted as much to Dworkin.
But I would rather have tried and failed, then to have ignored something
which could have helped me with my search.  Dworkin's mood has not
improved.  When I explained what I was trying to do, he told me it would
not work, but did not offer any other suggestions.  I wanted to ask if he
lied to me about Oberon, but did not wish to press my luck.  I liked him
better when I first met him.  I did manage to get the courage to ask him
to instruct me about the Pattern.  In typical Amber fashion, he asked what
I could offer him in return.  Not knowing what I could possibly offer him,
I asked what he wanted.  He told me he had to think about it.  Well, it
was worth a try.  If he does not forget my request, I am sure he will
contact me when he determines a suitable payment.  Unfortunately, knowing
Dworkin, it could be years before that happens.
 
        I relayed Ahab's message to Dworkin.  Up until this point, I have
not been entirely certain that Ahab was not simply imagining things, but
the look I saw on Dworkin's face after he heard the message
was... frightening.  He really does want to kill Ahab.  His own
great-grandson!  What did Ahab do to cause such a reaction?  If I were
Ahab, I would stay far away from Dworkin.  Dworkin agreed to talk through
an intermediary, but I do not trust him.  I feel sorry for whoever Ahab
finds to fill that intermediary role.  Ahab hopes he can convince the
Unicorn or the Pattern to intervene.  Judging by the way he refers to it,
it seems he does indeed believe the Pattern is sentient.  I wish I could
be so sure.
 
        Ahab confirmed the end of our relationship.  It seems he has his
eye on Kimdyl.  Only Ahab could go from wanting someone dead to wanting
them in bed so quickly.  He has decided to stay in Amber and learn
blacksmithing here.  He claims it is because he wants to remain close to
the Pattern and some of our relatives.  I think he just wants to stay with
Kimdyl.  In a way, it is kind of sweet.  I wish I had someone to care
about that way.
 
        In the meantime, I am left with my original problem.  Is Mirelle
my mater?  Gerard has been working with her, but I do not know if she is
in any condition for me to just walk up to her and ask.  Even if she was
well, she might not answer truthfully.  If it was she that abandoned me,
she must have had her reasons for doing so, and she might not want to
acknowledge our relationship.  After all, she had plenty of opportunity to
tell me when Driscoll first brought me to her shadow.  I will have to ask
Gerard whether I will do any harm by questioning Mirelle.
 
        As a last resort, I could always walk the Pattern and ask it to
take me to my Amber parent.  Another Ahab plan, to be sure, but it would
settle the question once and for all.  Still, if I do not phrase the
request carefully, Eral only knows where I may wind up.  I do not feel
quite desperate enough to try that, yet.
 
Amber, day 143
 
        I believe I have done all I can in Amber.  No one knows where
Vetch is, and I do not want him badly enough to hunt him down in shadow.
Gerard feels I should wait before talking with Mirelle.  Having seen her,
I tend to agree.  She is suffering far more horribly than Brand.  I hope
Gerard can help her.
 
        Flora and Gerard have given me some places to start my education
in shadow.  I am looking forward to it.  But first, it is time to go home.