Amber, day 138
 
        It is finally over, and we are still alive.  Somehow all of us
managed to survive long enough for the trap to be sprung.  It turns out I
was right about our being a distraction, but we were not covering for
another attack.  We were simply there to trick Rygat into taking the
artifact that we were guarding and attempting to use it.  It seems that
activating it caused her to somehow be trapped inside of it.  While part
of me would rather she was dead, I must admit this is a much more
satisfying punishment, to have her trapped for all eternity, fully aware
of the passage of time.
 
        We are fortunate that she sprang the trap before she killed us
all.  For she made it quite obvious that she had horrible deaths planned
for us all.  Felix might have died anyway, if Ahab had not somehow gotten
through that barrier of his.  Shard was suspended over a chasm and would
have died if Alex had not followed us and caught him.  I took an arrow in
my shoulder, courtesy of some sort of odd shadow duplicate of myself that
Rygat summoned.  There was one for each of us, although Heather's changed
to look like someone else.  We were at an impasse until Ahab managed to
get behind my double and cleave her in two.  I in turn faced his double,
and found my fighting skills hard pressed against his superior weapon.  He
destroyed my sword.  One of the few things I had left from my pater, and
there is nothing left but the hilt.  But I swear, I shall forge another
blade for it, and this one will not be so easily destroyed!  If Driscoll
will help me, as he did Ahab.
 
        Ahab was kind enough to loan me Morglyph, at which point his
shadow decided to give a salute and step off the edge rather than face us.
It seems that our shadow selves had more than just our fighting skills.
It was truly a gesture worthy of Ahab.  With the doubles of both Ahab and
my double defeated, it was not difficult to defeat the others.  Ahab shot
the one facing Heather, and she knocked it over the edge with her whip.
Felix disposed of his by throwing his sword into it, and I shot Shard's as
it was about to slit his throat.  To be honest, it was the only useful
thing I accomplished.
 
        It is disturbing to realize that my presence made almost no
difference, but I must face facts.  I was unable to affect Rygat, or even
stop her from dragging Ahab and Shard away.  I could not see her, but even
if I had, I could not have affected her physically or mentally.  In my
desperation, I tried to use the Pattern against her, to no avail.  I
suspect it prevented her from grabbing me with the Logrus, but I believe
she could have overcome that, had she felt it was worth her while.  I am
certain that the Pattern can be used for more than simply walking through
shadow, but I lack the skill to know how to use it.
 
        Ahab seems to have learned a trick or two about it.  He was able
to transport himself back to solid ground by visualizing a Pattern walk in
his mind, and attempting to have it move him in the same manner that it
does when one physically walks the Pattern.  Where did he learn of this?
Perhaps it is simply a result of the number of times that he has walked
the Pattern.  I plan to investigate further.  It has become obvious that
physical skills are not enough in Amber, and Dworkin made it pretty clear
that I do not possess the necessary skills to learn the art of trump.  It
has often seemed odd to me that Alex can do so many things with the Logrus
that I cannot with the Pattern.  If these two powers are in balance, than
it seems only logical to conclude that they should be able to accomplish
similar tasks.  I wish Dworkin was here.  I have a mind to try and find
him, but the plan I have in mind is one I would expect to find Ahab trying
than myself.  All I know is that I do not like feeling as helpless as I
did with Rygat, and I intend to take measures to prevent that from
happening again.  If Ahab is willing, perhaps I can observe psychically
while he performs his Pattern transport.  If not, then I intend to see
what I can find in the library.  Or better yet, in Dworkin's lab.  And I
will have to walk the Pattern.  I suspect that in order to do Ahab's
trick, I must be able to recall in detail what a Pattern walk feels like.
I have only walked the Pattern twice so far.  The first time was so new
that I was not paying attention to the exact sensations, and the second
time I was mostly concerned with removing my tattoos and finding Ahab.
This time, I intend to be more observant.
 
        It has also occurred to me that the Pattern may help me recall
more about my birth parents.  I do recall that when I reached the center
on my past walks, I was filled with enormous energies.  I believe these
energies are what is used to transport you to your destination.  But, it
is my hope that this power can be used in other ways.  Such as enhancing
my memory.  As soon as my shoulder heals, I intend to give this a try.
 
        I suspect Heather suffered the most from our encounter with Rygat.
It would seem that the form her shadow took was of someone very close to
her.  Destroying it must have been very difficult for her, and Rygat did
not help matters by insisting that she had killed the genuine article.
For a while, I feared Heather would follow her double over the edge.  But
she has reserves of strength that I had not suspected.  It is obvious that
we owe much of the success of our mission to her, for she and Bleys were
the only ones who knew the truth of our mission.  It will be interesting
to see what she does know that the war is over.
 
        Ironically, what upset me the most is not what happened during our
fight with Rygat, but what I learned afterwards.  Martin was a Chaos spy
in disguise!  The real Martin barley remembers who I am.  What angers me
is that Random knew of this but chose not to tell me, although he seems to
have notified almost everyone else.  I had to learn the truth from Alex of
all people!  At least Alex was able to give me the probable identity of
the impostor, a Lord Vetch.  This Lord Vetch had best hope we do not
encounter each other for a while.  Now I understand why Random kept the
true nature of our mission secret.  In order for it to succeed, we had to
believe the mission was genuine.  Although if I was able to notice that
the mission seemed to be a distraction, based on the makeup of the group,
I am surprised Rygat was not more suspicious.  But to keep me in the dark
about Martin, a man I was sleeping with!  I am afraid I am not
particularly happy with Random right now.  Ironically, I was so shocked at
the news, the only thing I could think of at the time was that Dworkin
would be happy that I had not been sleeping with my nephew after all.  I
do not intend to be taking orders from Random for a while to come.
 
        To be honest, I do not intend to remain in Amber for very long.
This place has placed a weight on my soul that I long to be rid of.
Strangely enough, the way I felt when I was jumping the river of fire was
the best I have felt in a long time.  I used to feel happy, exhilarated,
glad to be alive.  With a few exceptions, such as the night at Bloody
Jake's, all I have felt since arriving in Amber has been suspicion,
mistrust and hatred.  I am tired of feeling this way, of feeling that I
can never let my guard down or let anyone get too close to me.  I will
stay long enough to forge a new sword, and try my experiments with the
Pattern, but then I am going home.  If nothing else, Kira and the others
will be happy to see it again.  It seems like a lifetime has passed since
I left to explore my new powers.  How naive I was.  But, I was happier
than I have ever been in Amber.  I hope I can recapture some of that peace
again.
 
        After that, who knows?  I would like to continue my interrupted
exploration of shadow.  Perhaps even get some additional medical training.
I have heard it said that Gerard went to a school devoted to the study of
medicine.  I think it would be a welcome change of pace to spend a year or
two immersed in learning, without constantly wondering what the instructor
wants in return, or what they are not telling you.
 
        They say all roads lead to Amber.  I am beginning to believe that
the reverse is true for me.

Amber, day 138 continued
 
        All in all, a rather frustrating day.  My arm will heal, but for
now it throbs incessantly, and is proving to be rather irritating.  I can
only hope that it will heal quickly.  At times like these, I envy Ahab his
quick healing ability.  Dworkin is still nowhere to be found, and his lab
is locked.  So much for my hopes of studying his books while I convalesce.
I even tried trumping him, but his card won't grow cold.  Some days,
nothing seems to go right.
 
        I talked to Gerard about going to school in shadow.  He seemed to
feel that I should start with shadows similar to mine in environment, and
slowly work my way up to more advanced shadows.  This does not sit well
with me, since I am eager to be learning more advanced medicine, and I
want to learn how to operate one of those flying machines, but he has far
more experience with this than I.  He also stressed the importance of
blending in, and suggested I ask less and observe more.  I guess I have
gotten a reputation for being inquisitive.  I still feel that you learn
best by asking, but obviously this does not help one to remain
inconspicuous.  Fortunately, I will be spending much of my time in
schools, where one is expected to ask questions.  I shall just have to be
careful not to ask the wrong ones.
 
        Gerard directed me to Flora, who gave me the same advice, and
offered to help me find some appropriate schools.  All of her hair is
missing, but she almost manages to make you overlook it, just the same.  I
wish I had her skill.  Other than her lack of hair, there do not seem to
be too many signs of her imprisonment.  I considered complimenting her on
her recovery, but decided it was best not to mention it at all, lest it
bring up unpleasant memories.  Flora also suggested I talk Driscoll, since
he has a great deal of experience in that area.  I was happy to follow
this advice, since I wanted to talk to him anyway.  He agreed to help me
enchant my sword, once it is forged.  I have decided to have him do the
same to some armor, hopefully to avoid wounds like my current one in the
future.
 
        Unfortunately, the rest of my plans must wait until my shoulder
heals.  I cannot forge a sword with only one arm in working order, and I
have no intention of walking the Pattern until I have fully healed.

Amber, day 139
 
        Everyone seems to be leaving Amber.  Heather left sometime
yesterday, apparently none the worse for her fainting spell.  Benedict
left to help Gramble with the war in Chaos, and all of the Chaosites
except for Alex have gone with him.  I wonder if they have caught Vetch?
I should like to have a few words with him.  Half of me wants to kill him
for what he did.  But part of me misses him as well.  I feel like he used
me, but I had enjoyed his company.  Perhaps Rygat placed him under a
compulsion similar to Kimdyl's.  I suppose I should be relieved that he
was not a relative after all.  I just wish I knew whether the man I knew
was Vetch, or Vetch acting like Martin.  What is his true personality?
Why did he sleep with me?  Was he using me as a possible information
source?  Did he care about me at all?  Did he know that I would be going
on the missions he betrayed, and if so did it bother him that he might
have caused my death?  Questions I intend to have answered, assuming I can
find him.  Then I shall have to decide whether or not to kill him.
 
        Felix and Merlin have already left to go to school in shadow.
Ahab is planning to leave as well, to learn blacksmithing.  I offered to
show him what my pater taught me of weaponsmithing, if he would assist me
in forging my sword.  He agreed to help me tomorrow.  I suppose I could
wait for my arm to heal, but I grow impatient to leave Amber.
 
        Dworkin has returned, but he is acting very strangely.  I tried
knocking on his door, but he kept insisting no one where there, and he
seems to be trying to hide from everyone.  I would like his assistance in
understanding the Pattern, but he is simply not approachable right now.
 
        I asked Ahab to show me how he is able to transport himself, but
he said he was bound by a confidence that would be broken if he showed me.
I found it ironic that the man who bragged about how he was above the
secrecy of Amber now has several secrets of his own.  He claims that
agreeing to the confidence was the only way he could learn how to do the
transport.  On the other hand, he claims that once he thought of the
possibility, he did nothing more than walk the Pattern often enough to
accurately visualize the walk in his mind.  Of course, the desperation he
felt when facing Rygat helped matters along.  Perhaps if I walk the
Pattern often enough, I will be able to visualize it in my mind well
enough to do what he says.  It cannot hurt to try.
 
        I learned two other things of interest from Ahab tonight.  First,
he believes that Dworkin is trying to kill him and Deirdre.  He does not
know why, but believes he has offended Dworkin somehow.  I can easily
believe this, given the way Dworkin is currently behaving.  He asked me to
see if Dworkin's behavior changes when he leaves Amber, and I agreed to
tell him the results.  I also agreed to tell Dworkin that Ahab would like
to talk to him, through an intermediary.  This seems a wise move to me.
After all, if Dworkin was trying to kill me, I would certainly want to
persuade him otherwise, but I would not want to deliver myself to him to
do so.
 
        Second, I learned that there is at least one female Amberite with
hazel eyes: Mirelle.  Not what I wanted to hear.  I think I felt better
when I thought I was Oberon's daughter.  Assuming that is not still true.
Eral, I hope not!  I have no desire to find that I was a child of incest.
Of course, I have no real proof that Mirelle is my mater, since I do not
know whether my Amberite parent was my mater or my pater.  If it were
true, it would put me in back in the same generation as Ahab, Felix and
Shard, so instead of being their aunt I would be their cousin again.  This
would be more comfortable for me, since they are certainly more my peers
than the elders.  It still leaves me wondering why I feared my mater so.
If Mirelle was as unstable then as she seems to be now that might explain
it.  But I have no evidence that her current instability was present
earlier in her life.  As a matter of fact, she exhibited no signs of
instability when I first met her.  The more I investigate my parentage,
the more questions I seem to be left with.  I am hoping that the energy at
the center of the Pattern will allow me to learn more from my memory.  For
my memory seems to be the only source of information that I can trust.  I
should be well enough to attempt the walk in a day or so.