Amber, year ten, day nine continued

	Somehow, I thought Riftvan would be able to remove it.  He's
supposed to be one of the best shapeshifters there is.  How can he not be
able to undo something that he did?  I don't understand.  Poor Nicholas. 
I was hoping that maybe the fear was something that he could be taught to
overcome, but Riftvan says it's so paralyzing that even if you placed him
on the Pattern, he'd just stand there terrified until he burned to a
crisp.  I know Riftvan could not have foreseen this, but...I wish he would
at least make an attempt to try and fix the damage that he's done. 
Unfortunately, he's afraid that Nicholas will throw him in the dungeons if
he can't remove it, and he'd rather avoid paying them a return visit.  I'm
not too thrilled with the idea myself.  But we have to do something.

	Riftvan thinks my guards are dead, or enslaved by Zane.  It hurts
to think this.  Driscoll didn't think Zane would bother with the staff of
the houses in his purge.  I guess Driscoll was wrong.  Four more deaths,
to add to all the others.  I feel the numbness threatening to return.  I'm
the one who brought them to Amber, and then Chaos.  I'm responsible for
their deaths.  I should have gone back, after Ahab pulled me through.  But
Riftvan is right.  What if Zane's forces had caught me when I returned?  I
would have been risking more than just myself and Ana.  If I'd been
caught, I would have given Zane a weapon to use against Riftvan.  I used
to tell myself that I could not be used to get to him, back before he told
me that he loved me, back before I knew about Loryn and my connection to
her.  Back before I made him face his grief for her.  But I can't believe
that anymore.  I see the changes that have occurred in him, just in the
brief time that I've known him, and I know he could not bear it if he lost
me, not again.  I think he would do almost anything to prevent that, and
this frightens me, sometimes.  I do not like knowing that I could cause
him that much pain.  I should never have even considered going after Zane,
especially not alone.  What was I thinking?  There is probably only one
other Amberite who Zane would like to get his hands on more, and she was
offering to come with me!  That would have made a pretty little present
for him.  This is assuming failure, of course, but the risk was too great. 
If I'd failed, Zane could have forced Riftvan to do whatever he wanted. 
Even sent him to Amber.  Where either he would have succeeded, and killed
people I care about, or failed and died.  Or failed and been captured, in
which case I would have died, and probably taken with me all the good I've
tried so hard to nurture in him.  And none of this would have brought Ahab
back.  Benedict was right to stop me.  I can't believe I was so blind.

	Riftvan recognized the Shadow where Miranda is being held as one
that is near Daraways.  I suppose I expected something like this.  The man
opening the gate was Dara's Trump artist, after all.  Still, I'd been
hoping that it wasn't so close to Chaos.  Riftvan thinks he can check it
out, though, before Usires, Lavender and I go there.  I hate the idea of
him leaving again, but it does make sense.  I'd rather not bring a posse
to rescue someone who is no longer there.  Riftvan can't seem to
comprehend why I'm so concerned about Miranda.  I wish I could make him
understand.  Here's this woman, just doing her job, and one day she takes
a commission from a member of the royal family, and then suddenly she's
imprisoned off in Shadow, trapped there until she dies, away from whatever
friends and family she had.  How can I abandon her to that fate?

	I don't know how Riftvan does it.  He spoke with the boys for an
hour, and now they're so well behaved that I keep wondering where my real
children are.  It makes Jalana nervous, too.  She actually climbed into my
lap (what's left of it) while Riftvan was talking to the boys, even though
he wasn't mad at her at all.  She asked if I could make sure I only had
girls from now on, since boys are so bad.  I'm sure Riftvan could, but...I
kind of like leaving it up to the Fates.  Not that I'm not glad that Ana
is a girl, but I don't see any reason to only have girls in the future. 
Not all boys are bad children - look at Haris.  He's such a sweet child. 
Besides, given Riftvan's past record, if things are left alone, I'll
mostly have girls anyway.

Afternoon

	Lavender's children have all grown so much.  Haris is turning out
to be quite the sizable child.  I think he'll rival Felix when he comes of
age, if not Gerard.  Pax is adorable, and seems none the worse for wear
for all the difficulties his parents endured.  Although Foster's calling
him "Spud" is a disturbing trend.  I doubt he'd call one of his own
children such a thing.  Why does Driscoll let him get away with it? 
Lavender obviously hates it.  And then there's Iseult...  Iseult is so
much a carbon copy of Lavender that it's hard not to laugh at her various
antics.  She insisted on using a steak knife at lunch, and proceeded to
stab Foster in the leg while she was trying to master its usage.  Good
thing his legs are metal.  She's even carrying a sword, and she can't be
much older than three.  She obviously has the proper respect for it, too. 
I felt a bit of a twinge upon seeing that.  My children are two years
older, and haven't shown any real interest in swords.  Father had already
made me my first sword when I was their age.  Of course, his profession
meant that I grew up around weapons, and I imagine Iseult is much the
same, since Rath is basically one giant staging ground for Lavender's
army.  Besides, it shouldn't matter.  I want the children to pursue what
interests them, not what interests me.  I should probably take their lack
of interest as a sign that they feel safe.  Why else does one pick up a
sword, if not to defend oneself or others?  They have all eternity to
worry about such things.  If I can let them enjoy their childhood for a
few more years, I should be grateful for it.

	I couldn't wait to tell Lavender about Riftvan's retirement.  Her
reaction was...odd.  She seemed happy for me, but there was something else
there, something about Riftvan, something...unpleasant.  I couldn't tell
more without probing her mind, and I won't do that.  Whatever it is, it's
something that disquiets her greatly.  She indicated that we can talk more
about it after lunch, which is probably just as well.  I don't think I'm
going to like what she's going to tell me, and I'd rather hear it when
Riftvan isn't watching me.  He can read me as easily as I read Lavender,
after all.  I wonder what everyone thinks of his changed appearance?  They
probably figure it's just another form, but given the fact that he is
retiring, and he's no longer living in Chaos, I'm wondering if he didn't
simply undo all of the aging he'd caused to affect his true form in the
first place.  If anyone could to it, he could.  I never did understand
that ridiculous Chaos custom, anyway.  As if you have to look old to be
respected.  I have a great deal of respect for Benedict, and he doesn't
have gray hair.

	Usires and I have got to work on our timing.  When I was ready to
look for Miranda, he was busy.  And now that he is finally free, I feel we
should wait.  He did not like this much, but it seems the wisest course. 
I am loathe to invade a Shadow that close to Chaos, when we are not even
certain that Miranda is still there.

	Well, now I know why Jaquee is in Amber.  It seems odd that
Bartholomew should be the one who brought her here, though, when he was so
adamant about leaving her and Meander on the Disc, originally.  Apparently
he wants her to walk the Pattern, but not just yet, so she's been getting
passed around her relatives until he's ready.  And getting more and more
pissy with each passing moment.  I tried to give her some suggestions, but
she really didn't want any advice.  I almost think she was enjoying being
miserable.  I finally told her that she could just sit there and pout if
she didn't want to try anything else.  She thought I was mocking her. 
Hasn't anyone ever been blunt with her before?  I told her to do what made
her happy, and began to walk off.  That's when she hit Felix on the head
with her staff and left.  That's what makes her happy?  I don't want to
ask.

	Bridget seems to be settling in well, all things considered. 
She's already made an impressive number of baby clothes.  She must be
quite a seamstress.  I must admit, seeing her child makes me long for the
birth of my own.  Four months seems like such a long time, right now.

	Lavender seems to have settled things with Foster and Driscoll,
and done so in a surprisingly sensible fashion.  In true Lavender
tradition, however, this seems to have been an accident.  Apparently she
offered Foster the choice of monogamy or adding Driscoll to the group, and
he chose the latter, and now she doesn't know how to handle it.  She needs
to learn not to offer choices that she isn't prepared to live with.  I
almost envy her.  Threesomes can be a lot of fun.  I can't believe she's
never tried it.  Then again, I can't believe she's only slept with three
men her entire life, and only one before she picked Foster.  No wonder
she's so confused.

	I really wish Lavender hadn't told me how Riftvan used to punish
Foster.  I'd like to believe it isn't true, but...I know it is.  I know
that after Loryn died, he was a terrible person, for a very long time.  I
just haven't wanted to think about the specifics.  It's one thing to know
someone was heartless.  It's another to learn that they raped their own
grandson to punish him.  If he'd do that to his own grandson...  Is that
how he was going to train our children?  No.  I can't believe he'd do that
now.  He's changed since Foster was growing up, I've seen that.  I have no
right to be angry at him for something he did decades ago.  Not if he
regrets it now.  But I don't feel right about it, either.

	Lavender appears to have improved her fighting skills while she
was gone.  I'm not too surprised, given the amount of time that she passed
in Rath.  She seemed disappointed that she still could not defeat me,
although I tried to reassure her that she was an excellent fighter.  I
must admit, it felt good to know that I could still beat her, even while
carrying this weight around in front of me.  I suspect her back will not
trouble her nearly as much as mine will tonight, however.

	Lavender has a spell that she's devised to summon and bind
Faeries, and she wants to use Riftvan to test it on.  I don't think she's
going to get him to agree.  Having spent last night in the dungeon subject
to Benedict's tender mercies, I don't think he'll be too eager to be
imprisoned again, so soon.  I'd like to learn it, though.  It might come
in handy, some day.

	So Jaquee went and walked the Pattern.  I can't say I blame her. 
Jenogen really overreacted.  What good was attacking Bartholomew going to
do?  I suppose he blamed Bartholomew for bringing them to Amber.  It's
troubling that Fiona and Bleys together were having difficulty with
Jenogen.  He is one of the Disc's most powerful sorcerers, though.  It was
interesting to see the colors associated with the different forms of
sorcery.  I wonder what Logrus-based sorcery would look like?  Or Faerie? 
I didn't think it would be a good idea to add the latter to the mix that
was already present.  Eral knows what might have happened.  We almost had
a tornado form in the room, as it was.  At least Meander was able to
remove Jenogen before he did any real damage, and Fiona should be able to
find Jaquee.  I'm willing to bet that she's had a Trump of Jaquee ever
since our first trip to the Disc.

	I'm not sure I ever would have mentioned it, if he hadn't pressed
me on what was bothering me.  What was I supposed to say?  I heard you
raped your grandson as punishment while he was being trained, and I was
wondering if you still do things like that?  I didn't want to punish him
for his past actions, if he had reformed.  If...  I guess that was what
was bothering me.  I kept telling myself that he must regret what he did
to Foster.  There is so much he regrets about his past, I know, I've seen
it in his eyes.  I needed to hear him say it, though, and it bothered me
that I needed this.  I was afraid he'd get angry, and think I didn't trust
him, and that isn't it at all.  Sometimes you just need to hear the words,
even if you already know what they'll be.  Like when you know someone
loves you, but you still want to hear them say it.  And he answered as I
knew he would, and yet...  I still had this disquieting feeling, and try
as I might, I couldn't hide it from him.  He assumed I was angry, but that
wasn't it.  It was more like...disgust at what he did, and disappointment
that he did it.  Like I expected better of him.  It's a weird feeling, to
feel like someone let you down by something they did before you really
met.  It's just...  While I know it was decades ago for Foster, and for
Riftvan, it wasn't for me.  Foster's training must have taken place while
I was out in Shadow.  When Riftvan was following me from place to place,
becoming all of my lovers.  He already felt something for me then, enough
that he missed me enough to seek me out.  But at the same time, he was
doing this to Foster.  I was *sleeping* with him when he was doing this to
Foster.  And this bothers me.  Because I never suspected it.

	I think he left to investigate that Shadow more to give me time
alone to think than anything else.  He certainly didn't care about
Miranda.  She's only a common worker, after all.  I've come to expect that
attitude from him.  But he shouldn't be surprised by my refusal to view
people that way, either.  I hope he doesn't get caught while he's there. 
I don't think I could forgive myself if that happened.

	That was rather fun.  I don't think most boat christenings go that
way, though.  Still, if people are going to be thrown in the water, they
may as well be well-built.  I love the way a wet shirt clings to a
muscular body.  It serves Foster right, anyway.  He actually hoped he'd
catch me having sex when he Trumped me.  I suppose it's nice to know that
the attraction he once felt for me still lingers a bit, though.  Felix
deserved his dunking, too.  He actually threw Foster at me, just for
bringing up the nipple rings he wore when he was shapeshifted.  I dodged,
of course, but still...  How could Felix forget that I am pregnant?  I
could understand it before I went to the Disc, but now?  I guess his
temper just got the better of him, for a moment.  Those nipple rings must
be an awfully sore spot.

	I'm glad the children had a chance to play with their cousins
again.  They've had no playmates other than each other for too long.  I
still don't think they're quite used to how much Hary has grown.  Once
they accept that, maybe it will be easier to explain Nicholas to them.  I
don't think they've quite realized that he's their old playmate yet, but
it's only a matter of time.

Evening

	I never really thought about how a vampire must see things.  Shard
had mentioned that his senses were enhanced, but I didn't comprehend just
how much.  To some extent, I still don't.  What he showed me was too much
to understand.  So beautiful, but yet so dark...  But I was able to see
what he meant when he said that Bridget was different.  And it triggered a
realization of my own.  Something about Bridget has been bothering me, but
I couldn't quite put my finger on what.  When my mind was scrambling to
process what Shard had showed me, I finally realized what it was. 
Brendan.  When I ran my genetics scan on him, I was unable to determine
for certain whether Felix or Shard was his father.  At the time, I told
myself that they must be too closely related for me to distinguish between
them.  It was the first time I'd ever used the spell, after all.  But with
Ronan, I knew immediately that Eric was his father.  It stood out so
clearly, that there wasn't a doubt in my mind.  I should have made the
connection then, but I was so distracted by Riftvan's recent return, that
all I could really think of was getting back to him.  But now that I think
about it, it makes perfect sense.  The only reason I should not have been
able to tell whether Felix or Shard was Brendan's father, is if Bridget
has Amber blood as well.  If I had to guess, I'd say she's of Foster's
generation, or beyond.  I can't believe it's just a coincidence.  Maybe
Bridget was sent to spy on us.  It would fit.  They plant her in the
Shadow and slow it down until one of the family comes looking for possible
offspring.  And, since she's still pregnant, if they want to bring the
baby to Amber, they have to bring her, too.  But they must have known we'd
be suspicious of the slowed Shadow, and that we'd learn she was family. 
Or maybe they were counting on the fact that we would.  As family, she
would potentially have access to more information than a Shadow dweller... 
Gods, I hate this sort of thing.

	I ran the genetics scan on Mother.  It confirmed that she really
is my mother, as I was pretty sure it would.  It also confirmed my
hypothesis about the scan's results in general.  As with Ronan, the scan
clearly indicated the relation between Mother and I.  If my father was a
Chaosite, which I'm becoming more certain that he was, it had no affect on
the scan.  Which makes me more certain than ever that Bridget has Amber
blood.

	I thought it would be less stressful for Mother if I broached the
subject of her possibly being pregnant before I confirmed that she was, to
give her some time to get used to the idea.  She didn't react well at all. 
She's convinced that she will forget about the child, or abandon it.  Like
she did me.  I tried to convince her otherwise, but it's a difficult thing
to do.  How do you convince someone that they won't do the same thing they
did before?  I honestly don't think she'll abandon the child.  She
abandoned me because she couldn't care for me alone in the state she was
in, but she's not alone anymore.  I'm more than willing to help her, as
she has helped me with my children.  But I can't guarantee that she won't
forget the child.  If she goes through another period of extreme stress... 
But if I can keep her happy, I don't think she'll forget.  She went for at
least five years without losing her memory, after all.  It took burning at
the stake to traumatize her enough for that to happen the first time that
I know of, and I'm sure that being raped had a lot to do with the second
loss.  That and finding out that she was pregnant.  I'm hoping that she
can handle the news of the pregnancy, now that she no longer remembers the
rape.  I certainly didn't see any point it filling her in on that bit of
her history.  She keeps insisting that she isn't pregnant, though, just
because she can't be.  I pray that time will allow her to accept the
truth.

	Riftvan returned what felt like only minutes after I'd finally
fallen asleep.  He was trying not to wake me, but I opened my eyes,
anyway.  Just to make sure it was him.  I never used to do that before
my...encounter with Shard, but now...  I know it can't be Shard, because
he would never do something so stupid uninvited, and I'd *know* it was
him, but...  I hope Riftvan hasn't noticed.  And that the feeling doesn't
last.  And that it's the only change wrought by that night.

	Riftvan checked the Shadow, but found no evidence that Miranda was
ever there.  The only people who ever entered or left the Shadow were Dara
and her Trump artist.  Which means whoever I saw step through that gate,
it wasn't Miranda.  And it wasn't the Trump artist, for I saw him on the
other end.  By process of elimination, that leaves Dara.  She must have
replaced Miranda during one of those times when she was in the back of her
shop.  My earlier observances showed the real Miranda, I'm sure of it. 
Dara would never have bothered to begin to prepare Usires' ax.  I will
have to see that back room in order to learn when the switch took place,
and where Dara might have taken her.  Which shouldn't be too much of a
problem.  There are advantages to being a member of the royal family,
after all.

	Foster was trained before Riftvan came to me in Shadow.  I feel
better for knowing this.  It does not change what happened, but at least
it wasn't happening while he was with me.  I find that comforting,
somehow.  I wasn't sure if he'd answer my other question, but I had to
know who trained him.  It seemed unlikely that he came up with such a
method of training assassins on his own.  More likely, he learned it from
whoever trained him, just as Foster learned it from him.  I really wasn't
surprised to learn that his trainer was his father.  The man seems to
epitomize everything that I despise about House Vetch.  It's a wonder
Riftvan turned out as well as he did, initially.  His mother must have
provided enough of a counter to make a difference.  I wonder what she was
like?  No one ever seems to mention her.

	For a moment, reading his words, it was almost like Ahab was back
again.  "Sorry about killing your god, man."  Even knowing he was going to
die, he still lost none of his arrogance.  At least now I know why he
chose to leave a message for Riftvan, when he didn't leave one for me.  I
guess Ahab figured we'd said all we ever needed to each other, whereas he
didn't want die without making one last attempt to win Riftvan over from
Chaos, for Nicholas' sake.  I wish he'd lived long enough to know that
Riftvan wasn't working for Zane after all.  And that he decided to retire
before ever reading the letter.  I suppose there is some irony in the fact
that everything Ahab pointed out in his letter, Riftvan already knew.  The
letter was, in the end, unnecessary.  Just like Ahab's death.  I wish I
knew why he felt he had to die.  What mistake did he make that warranted
his death?  Losing the Jewel?  It was Benedict who stole it.  And how did
his death help?  Corwin and the Unicorn still died, despite his presence. 
Ariadne died as well, and she was only there because of him.  He certainly
had no effect on Lavender's fate.  Maybe there is some part that I am not
seeing, but it seems to me that his presence saved no lives, except,
perhaps, Caine's, and caused two lives to end that need not have been
lost.  And I will take the King of Amber and Ariadne over Caine, any day. 
I know Ahab wanted to die gloriously, but I miss him, and his family
misses him, and it feels like he died for nothing.  And that hurts most of
all.