Rath, year ten, day eight

Early morning

	After a remarkably short labor, under two hours, in fact, Bridget
gave birth to a beautiful black-haired baby boy.  There is something about
helping to bring a new life into the world that still amazes me, even
after the number of times that I've done it.  It's invigorating, somehow,
if only for a little while.  Unfortunately, the question of the boy's
parentage remains open, although his coloring and size make it more likely
that Shard is the father.  My first use of my genetics "spell" failed to
determine this definitively, though.  Apparently first cousins are too
closely related for me to tell the difference.  Given how things have been
lately, I wasn't even surprised that I failed at this as well.

	The conversation with Shard didn't quite go like I thought it
would.  Felix and I both thought he should be informed that it seemed
likely that he was the father.  Shard actually tried to convince me to lie
and say the child was Felix's, because the child would be better off that
way.  I refused.  The truth would come out sooner or later, and it would
be far more difficult for the boy to learn that the man he thought was his
father was not, and he'd been lied to all his life, than to grow up
knowing that his father was a vampire.  Besides which, I refuse to let
Shard just give up without even trying.  Shard seems to think that his
condition must isolate him from everyone, but it doesn't have to be that
way.  None of the Discworlders batted an eye at Shard, and Ona seemed
friendly enough.  I wish he would spend some time on the Disc, just to get
used to being accepted for what he is.

	I may have hit upon a way to determine Brendan's parentage.  I'm
going to compare his genetics with Isabeux's.  I should find no relation
between them if the child is Shard's.  It's so simple.  I don't know why I
didn't think of it sooner.

	Something is wrong in Amber.  I do not know what, but if it caused
Benedict to Trump me in the middle of the night, I do not think it can be
good.  And I fear Riftvan may be involved, given Benedict's line of
questioning.  He wanted to know if I had heard from Riftvan.  And to
verify that Riftvan has been known to take Faerie form.  The whole
conversation set me on edge.  Why on earth did Benedict need me to verify
that Riftvan has a Faerie form?  He's seen it with his own eyes.  And then
he repeated his first question, even though I had just told him that I
hadn't seen Riftvan since Zane took over Chaos.  Obviously, he doesn't
trust me, because Riftvan is still in Chaos.  Damn it, how can he possibly
think I would side with Chaos, after I tried to kill Zane?

Amber (Tuesday, July 11)

	Foster and Driscoll have confronted each other, in what I fear may
be the first of many such fights.  Neither fared terribly well, in the
end.  Foster was able to heal himself, while I dealt with Driscoll's
injuries.  The compound fracture of his leg was especially nasty, and
setting it brought about my second confrontation of the night with
Benedict.  I didn't block the pain when I set the bone, and Driscoll's
scream brought guards, who reported the situation to Benedict.  I don't
know why I didn't try to stop the pain.  At the time, I told myself that I
didn't want to waste the energy, when I might need it to set the bone.  I
was rather tired, at that point.  But, in retrospect, I must admit that
part of me didn't want him to be completely free of pain.  This whole damn
mess is his fault, after all.  I hadn't reckoned on Benedict showing up,
though.  Something really bad must have happened if he's personally
investigating how family members acquired their injuries.  I left it to
Driscoll to explain.  It certainly wasn't my place to, and I wasn't
feeling particularly charitable towards Benedict, anyway.  Having my
loyalty questioned, even indirectly, rankles quite a bit.

Rath

Morning

	Bridget has agreed to return to Amber with Felix and I.  There are
many things which still need to be settled, of course.  There is much of
the family and their habits that would not sit well with her, right now. 
She must be taught to understand that not everything she has spent her
life believing is true.  And a final determination must be made as to who
her child's father is.  Felix has asked me to do my scan of Isabeux soon. 
He'd rather not explain to his parents that he may have fathered a child
in Shadow, if the child isn't actually his.  I can understand why he'd
like to avoid that.  It'll be rough enough for them to learn of Laughter's
child.

	Dead Oaks seemed grateful to hear news of his tribe.  It must be
hard for him to be away from them for so long.  The children were
completely fascinated by him.  Perhaps I should have brought them with me
when I went to the Disc.  But I went there to learn, and riding herd on
them would have made that rather difficult.  Eral knows, without Anne and
Mother's help, I'd never be able to keep up with them, especially now.

Amber

	Riftvan was here last night.  I know it.  The white rose on my
pillow...no one else would have left it.  What am I going to do?  Benedict
should be informed of this.  He was asking if I'd seen Riftvan recently,
and, from what Lavender told me, he thinks Riftvan was responsible for
whatever happened last night.  But if I do this, I betray Riftvan.  Just
the fact that he was briefly in my bedroom doesn't mean he was elsewhere
in the castle, but Benedict will not believe that.  Even I can't be sure,
not anymore.  If Zane ordered him to Amber, would he do it?  I don't know. 
What am I going to do?  I either betray my husband, or betray Amber. 
Either way, I loose.

	Breakfast seemed to go on forever.  Isabeux was there, and I was
able to run my scan without her detecting it.  I hated to do it without
her permission, but to do so would require the explanation that Felix was
trying to avoid.  The scan confirmed what I had suspected from the start:
the boy is Shard's, not Felix's.  I told Felix the news before joining
Mother and the children.  The rest of the meal is a blur.  I spent most of
it twisting on the horns of my dilemma, but I find myself no closer to an
answer.  I caught Usires as he left, and told him that I knew of Miranda's
location.  He wished to find her, of course, but could not spare the time
until the fleet was rebuilt.  I understand this, but I wish he had been
free to go.  At least then maybe I'd feel like I had accomplished
something.

	My attempts to heal Lavender's toe were equally unsuccessful, even
when we went to Rath.  I don't understand why the spell failed.  There is
no logical reason for it.  But it did, so obviously, I must be doing
something wrong.  As usual.

Afternoon

	In the end, after spending all morning agonizing over it, I did
what I felt was right.  I told Benedict.  I tried to make him understand
that I only knew Riftvan had been to my room, not elsewhere, but I'm not
sure my words made any difference.  I can't describe the pain I feel right
now.  I know what I did was right, but my heart still calls me traitor and
reviles me.  I cannot bear it any more.

Evening

	I sobered up enough by nightfall to go in search of Shard.  Felix
had the same idea, apparently, for I ran into him outside of Shard's
quarters.  Shard seemed to find this rather amusing.  I told him that the
child is definitely his.  He doesn't seem as dismayed by this as he had
earlier.  Maybe he is beginning to believe my earlier words to him.  I
hope so.  Felix revealed that he has asked Fiona to "explain" things to
Bridget so that Shard doesn't frighten her, apparently at Eric's request. 
This doesn't sit especially well with me, nor does Shard's desire to take
care of the matter myself, but the feeling is small compared to the
loathing I feel for myself right now, and I can't bring myself to object. 
All I really want to do is return to my quarters and seek oblivion once
more.

	Why won't Lavender leave me alone?  She keeps asking me what's
wrong.  Hah!  What does she think is wrong?  My husband has been missing
for months, with not a word from him until this morning, and then he
finally leaves me a sign that he was here, and what do I do?  I betray him
to Benedict!  And now Benedict thinks he's done whatever happened last
night.  And I may never see him again.  And Ahab's dead.  And Mother
forgot me again.  And I seem to screw up everything I try.  That's all. 
Nothing really.  But Lavender has her own problems, and I cannot add mine
to them.  Why can't she leave me alone so that I can forget them for a
while?

Amber, year ten, day nine (Wednesday, July 12)

Morning

	What have I done?  What have I done?  I had thought things could
not possibly get any worse?  What did I know?  This is all my fault.  I'm
the one who told Benedict that he had been here, and now they have him,
and it's all my fault.  They arrived so quickly after he appeared that
they must have been watching my quarters, somehow.  I was just starting to
realize that maybe I wasn't imaging his presence when they rushed in. 
When he first stepped through the wall, I was certain that I was imagining
it, that it was an illusion due to the drink.  But then he kissed me, and
it felt real, and I was just beginning to hope that maybe he was real
after all, when the door burst open, and the next thing I knew, Riftvan
was unconscious in his true form, and Benedict wouldn't let me near him. 
Damn him, anyway!  He held me fast while they bound Riftvan and carried
him away, and I couldn't do anything except struggle in his grasp.  He
tried to still me with a pressure point, but the pain only encouraged me. 
I wanted to hurt.  I needed to feel the pain.  Hadn't I betrayed my
husband?  I deserved far worse pain than what he was giving me.  Then
Benedict moved suddenly, and I recall nothing until waking up in bed this
morning.  I must find Benedict.  I do not care what he thinks Riftvan has
done, I must see him.  I must.

	Riftvan looked so angry when I saw him, that for a moment I was
afraid to approach him.  I thought maybe he blamed me for what had
happened last night.  He'd have every right to be angry about it.  I tried
to brace myself for this, but then his anger vanished, and his arms were
around me, and I couldn't stop myself from crying.  I don't even remember
half of what I babbled to him.  I felt as though all the floodgates had
been released, and I just couldn't hold back the tears.  I cried for
Ahab's death, and Ariadne's, and Corwin's, and for betraying him to
Benedict, and for what Driscoll did to Lavender, and for everything else
that has happened over the past few terrible days.  And he held me, and
told me that it wasn't my fault, and tried to make me angry when I didn't
believe him.  He should have known that wouldn't work this time.  Nothing
he said could have made me angry at him, just then.  I was far too upset
with myself.  He assured me that Benedict had already known of his
presence before I spoke to him, and so my actions had not caused anything
that would not have happened anyway.  But I had no way of knowing that
Benedict knew Riftvan had visited our quarters when I told him, so I still
betrayed him.  And it was all for nothing.  He was not the one who had
stolen the Unicorn's eye.  He had only come to let me know that he was
well, and he returned only because he had received word that I needed him. 
And by doing so, he ruined his plans entirely.  He hadn't been following
Zane out of duty at all.  He had been hoping to get close enough to him to
kill him.  I feel horrible for having believed otherwise for all that
time.  What would have happened if I had taken Drumm up on his offer?  I
still do not know, but Riftvan seemed less than pleased that I had almost
done so.  I think I might have made an awful mess of things if I had.  As
if I haven't already done enough of that.

	I told him of Shard, eventually.  It was hard, harder than
anything I've ever done.  I had gone over it in my mind many times over
the months, trying to think of how to break it to him.  None of that
helped.  I could barely get the words out.  I couldn't even look at him. 
I know I did nothing wrong, but I couldn't bear to see how I had hurt him. 
I expected him to respond with anger, or bitterness.  Instead, he tried to
make light of it, saying that now I was even for Sand.  I didn't do it out
of revenge.  Could he truly think that I would hurt him in such a manner? 
I pray he was just hiding his feelings behind his humor, as he often does. 
He was angry, he had to be.  I tried to assure him that it wouldn't happen
again, that Shard had even spent 400 years in Shadow to make sure that it
wouldn't, at least not by accident.  But he knew as well as I the other
reason Shard had spent those 400 years away.  He is much harder to kill
now, because of it.  He told me once that he feared that some in Amber
would not suffer a vampire to live, and I am certain that Riftvan was one
of those who concerned him.  Riftvan wanted to pay Shard a visit while it
was still light, and he was vulnerable.  I begged him not to.  I could not
allow Shard to be hurt for this, not when it wasn't his fault.  He is
trying so hard...  Riftvan finally agreed to leave him be, at least for
now.  I don't know if he realizes that Shard also drank my blood in our
encounter.  Or that Shard loves me.  I tried to tell him, but...  I don't
know if he understood me.  And I am afraid to ask.

	Lavender's child has been born, and I've been invited to see it,
but Riftvan isn't welcome.  Lavender claimed she'd have to write another
mantra to bring him into Rath, but I could see that was just an excuse. 
She doesn't trust him.  That hurt a lot to realize.  I expect that
attitude from most people, but not from Lavender.  I declined her
invitation and broke the contact as soon as possible after that.  I do
want to see her child, but I won't leave Riftvan behind to do it.  At
least Driscoll and Foster apparently haven't killed each other, yet,
although it sounds like they came close.  Clytemnestra gutted Foster while
he was fighting with Driscoll, causing Lavender to have the baby two weeks
early.  Men are so stupid, sometimes.  I hope this knocks some sense into
the two of them.  I knew Lavender would regret bringing the dragon along.

	I almost cut the contact when I realized that it was Benedict. 
After what he'd done to Riftvan, I wasn't feeling very friendly towards
him.  Especially since Riftvan hadn't actually done anything wrong.  But I
was curious as to what would bring him to contact me after what happened
last night.  He didn't say much, of course, only that he needed my
services in the dungeon.  Naturally, Riftvan didn't want to go, since he's
still quite angry with Benedict.  He claimed he didn't mind my doing so,
though, so I went through.  Benedict wanted me to heal a prisoner so the
man could be interrogated.  The idea of healing someone just so they could
be hurt again felt wrong, somehow, and I almost refused.  But then I
realized it was no different than keeping a prisoner alive for that
purpose through more conventional means.  There was a time, almost ten
years ago, now, when I stitched up a man's throat after he tried to kill
himself, so that Ahab could interrogate him.  It amounts to the same
thing, in the end.  Even if it did feel strange.  I stayed for the
questioning, since I was curious as to what he'd done, and Benedict did
not ask me to leave.  I had never seen Benedict interrogate a man before,
and I hope I am never on the receiving end of it.  Just the look he gave
the man made me shiver for a moment.  It turns out that the man was hired
by someone to attack Usires.  Stupid man.  I wonder who Usires has managed
to offend to that extent?  I have no doubt that Benedict will be able to
find out whatever the prisoner knows, but I suspect it will be precious
little.

	It seems ironic that we should find a new family member so soon
after losing so many of them.  Life goes on, I suppose.  His name is
Ronan, and he seems a pleasant enough man.  He is certainly easy on the
eyes.  He also shares Felix's taste in clothing, something Felix doubtless
finds a comfort.  With his black hair and green eyes, he could have easily
been from Rilga's line, but my test of Gerard quickly disproved this.  The
test of Eric, on the other hand...  Welcome, to fatherhood, Eric.  He
seemed surprised by what I could do.  I haven't really thought much about
it.  I came up with the spell while I was on the Disc, when I was
wondering whether Mirelle really was my mother, since she can't even
remember me, half the time.  It wasn't until Eric remarked on the
convenience of it that I realized that the scan is something most of the
family can't do.  So why is it that I can?  I need to talk to Riftvan
about this.  Whatever the reason, I'm glad I was able to help Ronan.  I
remember what it was like, when I first came to Amber, wondering who my
parents were.  Ten years later, and I'm still not sure.  I'm glad I could
spare him some of that.

	There may have been times in my life when I've felt this happy,
but right now I can't remember any of them.  He's retiring.  I still can't
quite believe it.  I'd always hoped he would, some day, but when Chaos
fell, and he didn't return...  I thought I'd lost him forever.  Just
having him back was enough to make me happy, but this...  This is the best
present I've ever gotten.  It seems like a dream.  I'm almost afraid to
let go of him, for fear that once I do, he will vanish away again.  How
long was he in Chaos?  Longer than merely two months, I am certain.  How
much longer would it have been if his plans had not been ruined?  I don't
want to think about it.  I have him back, and right now, it doesn't matter
how it happened.  Because I could not bear to live without him any longer.