Amber, year nine, day 310 continued

	I could find no sign of Tamaryn, so I have asked Isabeux to look
in on the children from time to time while I am away.  They are still
being punished, so they are not allowed to leave their room, and Anne is
there, and I won't be gone for long, but...  Just in case, I feel better
knowing that someone will be around, if necessary.

	I cannot seem to find Ahab, either.  I was hoping to tell him what
I have learned about Miranda's disappearance before I left.  I know it
will be only a matter of hours here, but it could be some time for me, and
I wanted to tell him of it while it was still fresh in my mind.  I wonder
where he is?  It seems odd that the King should be gone with no one having
any idea of his whereabouts.  Random, at least, should have known.  I
suppose Kimdyl may know, but she didn't want to be disturbed.  Something
strange is going on.  Could this have anything to do with whatever
Lavender is doing in Faerie?  Whatever it is, apparently it's nothing I'm
considered useful for.  As usual.  I think I'll just write up a report for
Ahab on the Miranda matter.  Odds are, he won't read it while I'm gone,
but at least I'll have made the effort to inform him.

Discworld

Evening

	I rather like Ona, I think.  At least, we seemed to get on rather
well when we talked.  I only wish that she had been able to tell me more. 
Unfortunately, it seems that the stories Meander has heard are just
stories.  So far as Ona knows, Shard and I are the first case of a vampire
taking only part of a soul.  I suppose I am lucky, if you think about it. 
Shard could have easily taken my entire soul, that time.  I wonder what
stopped him?  I suppose I could ask him.  I feel I have to at least tell
him that our situation is unique.  Assuming he doesn't already know.  What
frightened me most was Ona's revelation that if Shard bites me twice more,
he will most likely make me a vampire as well.  Or kill me.  I suppose
there was a part of me that suspected.  Shard had mentioned that, without
my ring's warning, he isn't certain he would have stopped that one time. 
As it is, Ona says that I am some sort of living undead, a pseudo-vampire,
not fully a vampire, but enough of one for Shard to control me.  I wish I
had never gone to see him that night.  But he already had some sort of
control over me by then, simply by virtue of having a piece of my soul, or
else the incident in question never would have occurred.  And I could
sense vampires before that night as well.  Perhaps the infection occurred
from the transfusions I gave him, even though the blood I gave him was not
mine?  Gods, it's all so confusing, and no one seems to know what to
expect.

Discworld, year nine, day 311

Morning

	Alex's hand is infected with Chaos cancer.  It looks awful.  The
hand was obviously dying, but I wasn't sure why until I tried my
diagnostic spell.  At least we seem to have caught it fairly early.  And
it's located on a limb, not in his chest, as Riftvan's was.  Alex, at
least, can lose the hand to save his life.  If he doesn't delay too long,
that is.  Realizing just what was afflicting him brought back all sorts of
memories that I'd rather not recall.  I almost lost Riftvan to that damned
disease.  I don't like seeing it again.  I suppose it's fortunate that I
know my healing is really shapeshifting.  If not, I probably would have
tried to cure the cancer, and applying shapeshifting to Chaos cancer just
doesn't seem all that wise.  Could the Disc's magic heal him?  I don't
know enough about it to try, at this point.  Surely, Alex would know if it
would, though.  According to Ona, two of his personalities are from the
Disc.  If the healing magic here might work, I assume they would think to
try it.  I directed him to Fiona, on the off chance that she can help him,
as she did Riftvan, but I do not have much hope of that.  Riftvan could be
affected by Pattern.  Alex, having Amber blood, is doubtless immune to it. 
Given the pain that Riftvan went through during Fiona's treatments, Alex
might prefer to lose his hand, anyway.

Night

	It has been too long since I slept out under the stars.  I find
that I have missed it.  It was a wonderful evening.  The tribe seemed
eager for news of Dead Oaks, so I told them of his adventures with us in
Dara's Shadow.  They seemed to enjoy the tale, and it set off a round of
stories, mine and theirs, that continued for hours.  It reminded me of
home.  My birth home.  I haven't thought about there for a long time.

Discworld, year nine, day 315

	I love how quickly I am able to learn new spells here.  Today, for
the first time, I was able to confirm what Riftvan suspected about the
child I carry.  It is, indeed, a girl.  Thank the gods.  I so wanted
another daughter.  Jalana will be delighted at the news.

Discworld, year nine, day 325

	The days pass very quickly here.  The tribe has accepted me, and
between Looks Twice's lessons, and the other activities of the camp, I'm
busy from the moment I wake up until after dark.  Some of this is my
doing, of course.  I insisted on helping out around the camp, whether with
hunting or tanning, or whatever needs to be done.  I would not feel right
just watching them work while I did nothing, and it keeps me too busy to
think about...things.  It is the nights that are the hardest.  I keep
thinking of the children.  And Riftvan.  We've never been parted for this
long before -- even when I was pregnant with the twins, when he was more
often gone than not, no more than two weeks ever passed without him
returning, even if only for a night.  I miss him dreadfully.  I can't help
thinking about him when I'm lying alone at night, waiting for sleep to
take me.  If I'm lucky, the day's work has me so tired out that I can't
stay awake for long, but it is a fine line to walk.  I do not wish to
exhaust myself to the point where it might hurt Ana, but some nights
nothing short of utter exhaustion would help.  I tell myself that Riftvan
would contact me if he could, but...  What if he doesn't wish to speak to
me?  What if I never see him again?  It is the uncertainty that troubles
me the most, I think.

Discworld, year nine, day 353

	I felt Ana move today.  It was scarcely detectable, a vague
swimming motion, but I felt it all the same.  Looks Twice seemed a bit
amused by my excitement, but the other mares understood.  Gods, I wish
Riftvan could have been here.  He was gone so often when I was pregnant
with the twins, that he missed when it happened the last time.  I had been
hoping that this time would be different.  I hope he's all right, wherever
he is.

Discworld, year nine, day 360

	I delivered Walks Tall's foal today.  I thought Looks Twice would
simply have me observe.  I never thought he would allow me to take the
primary role.  Thankfully, it went without difficulty.  I've grown rather
close to Walks Tall, and the other pregnant females, and I could not have
borne it if anything had happened to her or the child.  It was an amazing
experience.  I've delivered countless babies, and I've even seen horses
born, but that still didn't quite prepare me for a centaur's birth.  The
foal was so beautiful.  Walks Tall looked so proud when he took his first
shaky steps.  It made me wish Ana was born, already.  Four months seems
like such a long time away.

Discworld, year ten, day 1

	I am 59 years old today.  It seems so strange to be having my
birthday away from my family.  This certainly isn't where or how I
imagined celebrating it, to be sure.  I should be with the children, and
Riftvan.  It is time to go home.  Looks Twice says my training is as
complete as it can be, and there is nothing more I can accomplish by
remaining here.  But I will miss this place.  It was so peaceful here. 
Not in the sense of quiet, but in the sense of the lack of world-shaking
occurrences.  There was only the daily rhythm of life, so easy to lose
myself in.  I had not had much of that lately, before coming here.  I know
things have not changed in Amber, for I have been gone scarcely an hour
there.  But, at least for a little while, it was possible to forget all of
that.  Or most of it, anyway.  And I desperately needed to do that, to
have some time away from all the stress, for Ana's sake, as well as my
own.  I can feel her more distinctly now.  Still nothing like the strong
pokes and jabs that will come, but the feeling grows stronger every day. 
I wish Riftvan was here to share it with.  I have missed him and the
children so very much while I was here.  At least I shall see the children
when I return, but Riftvan...  I know he will not be there, and that
tempts me to stay here, more than anything.  Here, I can almost pretend
that the outside world, where he is gone, does not exist.  But I cannot
hide here forever.  It is time to face my life again.

Amber, year ten, day 2 (Friday, July 7)

Morning

	It was hard to be firm with the children, to remember to be angry
with them.  It had been so long since I had seen them, that all I wanted
to do was hug them close.  But it has been only a few hours for them since
I retrieved them from Foster, and I could not let them know how much I'd
missed them until their punishment was finished.  I think I picked the
correct one, judging by how difficult it was to get the apology from them. 
At least they should think twice before risking going through that again. 
Where have they picked up that attitude from, anyway?  Riftvan?  I think
they would rather I had beaten them than apologize.  I feel so very tired,
all of a sudden.

Afternoon

	I was afraid that the children would be confused by my somewhat
larger appearance, but Jalana is the only one who even seemed to notice. 
She always notices so much more than her brothers do.  She asked how long
I had been gone, and, after some hesitation, I told her.  I was afraid she
would think I had left because of how they had behaved with Foster, and
she did, but she seemed to understand when I explained that there was
something I needed to do.  At least she did once I assured her that I was
done.  Then she asked when Riftvan would be done, and my heart almost
broke at the look on her face.  I had no answer for her, save that I hoped
it would be soon.  How could I tell her that she may never see him again?

Evening

	I thought it would be fun to spend the afternoon at the beach with
Mother and the children.  I'm glad that I was too happy to be with the
children to nap while we were there, much as I was tempted.  The storm
came up so fast, that I barely had time to Trump us all to Amber before
Trump stopped working.  Sorcery soon failed as well.  If I hadn't been
paying attention, we could have been stranded out there to face the storm. 
I can still hear the winds beating at the castle, even from within the
Great Hall.  I've never seen a storm so fierce.  It feels like the Shadow
storms that passed through Amber when the Jewel was destroyed, and when
the Pattern was damaged, but even more powerful.  What could have caused a
storm of such great magnitude?  What event would be greater than the
Jewel's sundering?  I fear the answer to these questions.  I hope that
Riftvan is all right, wherever he is.  And Lavender.  And Ahab.

	Felix and Usires have been lost in the storm.  I was able to
determine where their ships went down, at least, but I did not see them
come up.  I fear that they are drowned.  Gerard had the same fear, I could
see it in his eyes, but he asked me to tell Isabeux not to worry.  I did
my best to reassure her.  I understand quite well what she is going
through right now, not knowing if her child is alive or dead.  I wish I
could remain to comfort her.  But I must get down to the city, to see to
the injured there.  The storm must have been even worse that close to the
shore, and the people will not have had the thick walls of the castle to
protect them.  And tending the injured will keep me from worrying about
the missing that I cannot help.  My husband and my closest friends.

Amber, year ten, day 3 (Saturday, July 8)

Early morning

	I can barely think straight, right now.  I'm not even sure how
late it is.  I think it will be dawn soon.  I lost all track of time in
the infirmary, there were so many injured by the storm to tend to.  It is
good that the recent weeks have been so calm for me.  I think I used all
of my stored reserves this night.  I am tired past the point of
exhaustion, too tired to even feel the hunger that I would normally expect
to be gnawing at me by now.  I want nothing more than to wash the blood
off my body, and then sleep for an age.  But the latter will have to wait
until I have spoken to Shard.  He should know what I managed to learn from
Ona, even if it is precious little, and he doubtless already knows much of
it.

	Shard knew virtually all of what I learned from Ona, save for the
uniqueness of our situation.  I didn't really expect that I'd learned
anything new, of course.  In a way, it is reassuring to know that he was
already aware of much of it.  It should mean that there will be no
more...accidents, like that one time.  He seemed quite able to block the
desire from our link tonight, although I know that he felt it.  I feel
badly for causing it, but I don't know what I can do about it.  I will not
simply cut off all contact with him.  I think that would hurt him far
worse than his feelings for me hurt him now.  And it would leave him so
isolated.  But I cannot give him what he desires of me, either.  Not
before speaking to Riftvan.  And, even if Riftvan would not be hurt by it,
and if I chose to do so, how does one take a vampire as a lover without
risking becoming one?  He bit me the only time we slept together.  Would
that be a danger every time?  It can only happen once more without killing
me, or making me a vampire.  Either way, it would kill Ana.  I think, once
she is born, I will have the transfusion.  Shard did not think doing so
would hurt him, and it would place me one step further back from that
which I so desperately wish to avoid.  I still do not know how Shard bears
it.  To never see the sun again, or feel it on my face...  To be cut off
from almost all emotion, from my very soul...  To never be able to bear a
child again...  I could not endure it.

Morning

	I do not think there is anything quite so devastating as hope so
briefly glimpsed and then snatched away.  For a few moments, I actually
spoke to my mother - the one who remembered giving birth to me.  I had
hope that maybe...  Maybe she was cured, maybe we could really be mother
and daughter, maybe I could learn more about my father from her.  But that
chance is lost again, and it is all my fault. Why did I have to ask her
what she last remembered before she woke up? Gods, how can I be so stupid,
sometimes?  Now she is as she was before, not remembering me, with only my
word that I am even her daughter.  She probably doesn't even remember that
she is pregnant.  If she ever knew.  But she must have.  She is nearly two
months along.  She must have figured it out by now.  Is that what caused
the state I found her in?  I have no way of knowing.  I don't even know if
my presence, and my spell, is helping, or making things worse.  At least
Fenar is unlikely to be interested in claiming the child, conditions in
Chaos being what they are.  The thought of my brother growing up with that
man is enough to make my stomach turn.

<- Back to the Diary list