Amber, year nine, day 308 continued

	I wasn't surprised when Ahab told me I was being left behind.  I
half expected it, really.  And I could not bring myself to object too
strenuously.  Meander's vision has reminded me of just how fragile Ana is
right now, and how much I don't want to lose her.  Perhaps she is not
impeding my fighting abilities just yet, but I still endanger her whenever
I go into battle.  I will risk that if I must, to defend Amber, but there
was a bit of relief at knowing I did not have to.

	I suppose I also shouldn't have been surprised that Ahab intended
to go, but I was, nonetheless.  We argued over this for quite some time,
and I'm afraid our voices carried a bit too far at one point.  I should
have been more careful.  I don't wish to be seen publicly arguing with the
King, but I had to try to persuade him of the monumental mistake that I
thought he was making.  For all the good it did.  Why can't he understand
that as king he does not have the freedom to throw himself headlong into
danger that he did before?  I don't care how little faith he has in his
own importance, or how much confidence he has in Nicholas, losing the king
would be a severe blow, especially so soon after Oberon's death, or near
death.  Not to mention the fact that Nicholas lacks the power that tends
to define us as Amberites, and he cannot he acquire it without taking the
Logrus, which is a bit of an impossibility at the moment.  If I could
accept that I could not go, for the safety of my child, he should have
been able to accept that he could not go, for the safety of Amber.  Even
Benedict advised him to stay behind.  If he won't listen to Benedict, who
will he listen to?  Not me, that's for certain.

	Shard has apparently learned how to clamp the link between us
entirely, for I feel nothing now in the place where it was, save an
emptiness that is, in its own way, more disconcerting than the link.  It
is like the hole where a tooth used to be - you keep expecting to find
something there.  It is for the best, I am sure.  And at least this way,
whatever I feel about Shard should be what I truly feel, without the
interference that the link causes.  For so long as he continues blocking
it, at least.  I just wish it would stop feeling so empty there.

	Thank the gods that they all came back safely.  I feared we might
never see them again.  Unfortunately, it seems their efforts came too late
for Gramble.  This saddens me.  He seemed a decent man, on the few
occasions that I met him, and Riftvan obviously respected him.  I feel
badly for Flora and Lavender.  Flora was married for such a short time,
and Lavender could not have had much time to get know her grandfather.  It
seems so tragic that he should have weathered Dara's betrayal and
rebellion, only to die now.  I wish there was something I could do, but
there is nothing.  At least I may be able to help Mother, if I can reach
her.  Perhaps Bartholomew will be more willing to send me to her now.  I
would rather be there, where I might be of some use, than here, feeling
useless.

Discworld

Evening

	Mother was terribly ill-used during her captivity, judging by her
bruises.  I suspect the same can be said of Llewella, although she hides
it far better.  I do not know what to say, so I say nothing.  Mother still
seems to be in denial.  I understand that feeling, at least.  Although
what happened between Shard and I was not even remotely as horrible as
what she and Llewella must have endured, I still felt an urge to deny that
it had happened, at first.  And at least my memories of the event are
pleasant, even if I wish they had not happened.  I wish I could take away
Mother's pain, physically and mentally.  She, of all people, should not
have had to endure this.  But I am afraid to heal her, for it will draw
her attention to what happened to her, and I do not think she is ready to
face that, yet.  All I can do is stay with her.  It's not as if I have
anyplace else to be, with the children frozen, and Riftvan still
incommunicado.

	I had almost forgotten how easily magic flows on the Disc.  When I
was last here, the block in my mind still fettered me.  Now...  Everything
seems so simple here, with concepts so easy to grasp and power that flows
almost intuitively.  It's as natural as breathing.  Which, I suppose,
makes sense.  I wish Mother was well enough to travel.  I would like to
learn more from Looks Twice, while I am here.

Discworld, year nine, day 309

Early morning

	It all finally caught up with Mother, and she destroyed her room
quite thoroughly in her rage.  I find it ironic that I see myself in this
act, more than anything else that she has ever done.  I have never doubted
that she is my mother, of course, but until today, I have never seen any
sort of resemblance between us, although Riftvan assures me that it is
there.  We have some things in common, of course, like the fact that we
both sing, and we both have quite a temper, but we don't act in any way
similarly.  Even with Lavender and Fiona, I sometimes see an expression on
one that I have seen countless times on the other.  Mother and I just
don't react in the same manner to anything.  Except, it would seem, when
we are hurt.  It is a shame it couldn't have been something more pleasant.

Morning

	Mother speaks of Father as though he were still alive.  This
troubles me greatly.  How can she remember me, but not remember that she
killed him, when she did so before I was born?  Might he still be alive,
and his death merely something she convinced herself of over time?  No,
this seems rather unlikely.  Still, I wish I knew more about him. 
Sometimes I think there may have been more to him than just a simple
Shadow dweller.  I shapeshift people when I heal them, after all.  I have
finally accepted that.  So where did my ability come from?  I do not think
it could be solely from Oberon, not diluted by two generations of Shadow
blood.  But if it did come from my father, even in part, what does this
make him?  Was he a Chaosite?  What really happened between him and
Mother?  Even if he is dead, I should like to know the answers.  Perhaps
it is time that I sought them.

	At least Mother seems to be doing a little better today.  Whether
this is due to my presence, or simply the passage of time, I cannot say. 
Llewella departed this morning, but Mother seems comfortable with my
leaving her alone for a little while, so I am meeting with Looks Twice
again.  With everything that has been happening, it seems more important
than ever that I finish my lessons with him.  I only hope I have the time.

Evening

	I am making progress, but it feels so slow.  At least I have been
able to finish learning a few more of my spells here.  If only I learned
healing magic so quickly.  Part of me hopes I can spend a few more days
here, but part of me wants to return to Amber.  It feels so odd to be
without the children.  At least they cannot miss me while they are frozen
in Shadow.

Amber, year nine, day 310 (Friday, July 7)

Early morning

	Thank the gods that Mother was willing to return to Amber.  My
only other alternative was to find a way to bring the children to the
Disc.  I cannot believe they gave Foster such a hard time.  I taught them
better than that.  There is no excuse for that kind of behavior.  What
could have gotten into them?  And why didn't Lavender tell me that she was
going to retrieve them?  Well, whatever the reason, they owe Foster an
apology, and they will stay in their room until they are ready to give it. 
No matter how much it pains me.  This isn't how I wanted to come home.  I
wish Riftvan was here.  They listen to him so much better than they do me.

Morning

	So that's how Miranda vanished.  What I saw merely confirmed my
suspicions, but at least now I know where she went, and who was behind it. 
And that she seems likely to have had the knowledge she claimed.  Is she
still in that Shadow, or has she been moved?  I must talk to Lavender
about this, when she returns.  And Ahab, since we will need his permission
to investigate the matter.  How long does he intend to leave that rule in
affect, anyway, now that Dara is dead?

	Bartholomew has agreed to send me back to the Disc once more, and
to speed it up this time.  I am not fond of leaving the children again,
but it will be but a few hours from their point of view, and they will
sleep through those anyway.  I just can't shake this feeling that I must
complete my lessons soon.  There is no rational reason for it, certainly
nothing I could explain to Bartholomew.  In part, I suppose it is the fact
that Chaos is no longer our friend, and I would learn how to counter their
weapons, if I can.  And, there is the smallest chance that Oberon might be
able to be healed by what I learn, and I cannot pass up that chance. 
Certainly, he cannot be left the way he is, in stasis, neither dead nor
alive.  It is cruel to trap his soul in such a manner for long.  And if we
could bring him back...  Maybe Ahab would listen to him.  He was the king
for a long time, after all.

	It will be an hour or so before Bartholomew is ready, and so I sit
here thinking thoughts I would rather not consider.  It has been two days
now, with no word from Riftvan, nor any contact other than that brief
reassurance I felt the day Ahab tried to rescue Gramble.  My worst fears
seem almost certain now.  He must be working for Zane.  There can be no
other explanation.  He would have come here by now, like the others, or at
least contacted me.  At first, I hoped he was looking for a way to free
Gramble.  But when Gramble turned up dead...  I think I knew then, deep
down inside, what the answer must be.  And I ran to the Disc to avoid
facing it.  I would be there still, if Lavender had not unfrozen her
Shadow and brought the children back.  I am worried about her.  I do not
think she would have started up the Shadow before contacting me, unless
she feared she might not be around to do it later on.  What can she be
doing in Faerie?  She said I would need to ask Ahab about it, but I am
hesitant to do so.  We have not spoken since we quarreled over his
presence on the rescue team, and I am afraid we would fall to arguing
again.  I don't know what's gotten into him, lately.  It must be the
stress of everything that's happened in Chaos.  But what good will he do
us if he gets himself killed over it?  I'm sure that's exactly what Zane
wants.

	Zane.  Who is he, anyway?  It seems like he came out of nowhere. 
And now, he's ruined so many lives.  Like Flora's.  I still can hear her
crying.  To lose your husband like that...  For all that the marriage was
arranged, she obviously cared a great deal for him.  I don't like to think
about losing Riftvan that way.  But I may have lost him, anyway.  If he is
working for Zane, I don't know if I'll ever even see him again.  Given
Zane's apparent dislike of Amberites, I can't imagine he will allow the
marriage to stand.  What if he orders Riftvan to divorce me?  Would
Riftvan obey him?  And what am I going to do if Zane sends him against my
family?  How can I remain married to someone who is actively working to
harm those I care about?  I cannot.  If he kills Lavender, or Ahab, or
their children, I will never be able to forgive him.  Never.  Damn him and
his honor!  How can he so easily agree to follow someone who just killed
the man he had previously promised his loyalty to?  Yesterday, Zane is the
enemy, today, he is your ruler?  That's ridiculous.  There is no honor in
changing your allegiances so casually.  That is simply blind obedience,
nothing more.  There is no loyalty in that.  And what of his obligations
to his family?  Do we count for nothing, now?  To be seen only when
convenient?  No, I know that isn't true.  But, how am I supposed to
explain this to the children?  How can they believe that he loves them if
they never see him?  And Ana?  Will she even know him?  I wish I could
talk to him.  It cannot end this way, not after everything that we've been
through.