Vetchways, year nine, day 308 (Wednesday, July 5)

Morning

	Lavender has hit upon a plan to keep the children safe, or as safe
as they can be nowadays.  She wants to leave them in Rath with Foster, and
then freeze the Shadow, much like Arthur did to Riftvan and Martin in
Kalevala.  No one will be able to start up the Shadow but her, and as long
as the Shadow is frozen, no one can get to them.  The Shadow can still be
destroyed, though, by Primal Chaos, which is why Foster will be staying
there.  I know Riftvan said the Ways are safe, but what if someone
infiltrates the place disguised as a servant or something?  Lavender's
option seems safer, and it would free me from having to guard the children
constantly.  I think I may be needed by Amber before all is said and done,
and I cannot help them if I must be here.

Amber

	It was so very hard to say goodbye to them.  I don't think they
picked up on how worried I am.  At least I can hide that much from them. 
Ever since I saw that vision of Meander's, I keep thinking each moment
with them could be the last.  What if I never see them again?  I don't
think I could live with myself.  They are my life, after all.

	Meander was able to heal his wound with his magic, which means
there is a way to counter the damage of those cursed weapons.  It is more
important than ever that I complete my training with Looks Twice.  I just
fear I will not be able to, until it's too late.  I cannot travel to the
Disc without aid, and Meander is reluctant to teach me himself.  He said
he would not have time.  I hope this is merely because he's too busy, and
not because he's seen his death in the near future.  There has been too
much of that, lately.

	There was little Meander could tell me about my particular
situation with Shard.  There are only myths of such things on the Disc,
and they are usually love stories, where the human gives part of their
soul to save the life of the vampire.  That last part, at least, would
seem to be accurate.  I hope that the rest is not.  I wish he had known
what the side effects of losing part of your soul are.  All he knew was
that he's never heard of one being recovered.  Even if I could, I'm not
sure I'd want to do that.  Shard seemed to think my soul was helping him,
somehow, and to take it from him would be to leave him empty.  I cannot do
that to him.  But, if my soul is split between us, what happens when one
of us dies?  How can only part of a soul go to the Paths of the Dead? 
Would the person possessing the rest of the soul die too?  Or can we not
die unless we die together?  Perhaps the soul would reunite in the
survivor.  Meander suggested I talk with Ona or Oscar, two vampires from
the Disc.  I will have to do so, if I can ever manage to get back there. 
For now, all I can do is go back to the Ways, and wait for some news of
Mother.  It will seem so very empty there, now that the children are gone.

	It is fortunate that I was in Trump contact with Ahab at the time. 
I've never seen the ring react so strongly before.  Whatever danger I was
in, it must have been very bad, indeed.  What could it have been?  Ahab
looked at the Ways, and nothing seemed to be wrong.  Was it someone coming
after the children?  Thank the gods they weren't there.  I could never
have gone through to Ahab if it meant abandoning them.  But it couldn't
have been someone trying to kill just them.  The ring only warns me when
I'm in danger, not others.  If it wasn't due to an attack on the Ways in
general, it must have been an attack against me, specifically.  But
Riftvan said nothing was safer than his Ways, not even Amber.  How could
anything have gotten to me there?  I don't know.  But the ring said I was
in danger there, and not here, so I shall stay here for a while.  I wish I
could reach Riftvan.  He's not answering his Trump, and I cannot sense him
with the ring.  It's not just him blocking his location from me, it feels
like he isn't there at all.  It's as if he...  No.  No.  Please don't let
him be dead.  There must be another reason.  Maybe he simply took the ring
off.  Except he never takes it off.  Not willingly, anyway.  Could he have
been captured?  Even if he was, I should still be able to sense his ring's
location, as I was able to sense Foster's after he'd removed it.  Maybe
he's someplace so warded even the ring cannot penetrate?  I just pray he's
all right, wherever he is.

	Mother was being held by the group of insurgents Riftvan told me
about, but she has been freed, apparently by Bartholomew.  Caine says
she's with him on the Disc now.  I wish Bart would Trump me.  I can't get
to the Disc without his help.  Unless Meander sends me...  His ride is
much rougher, but that's a risk I'll have to take, right now.  I'm the
only person who really gives a damn about her, I have to go to her.  Thank
the gods that Riftvan found her.  It has to have been him who left that
note for Ahab.  If only he would answer me now.

	The Serpent has both eyes, and Gramble has been overthrown. 
Driscoll brought as many refugees through to Amber as he could, but
Riftvan was not among them, and I still can't sense him through the ring. 
I'm worried half to death about him.  And my people in the Ways.  That
danger I felt earlier - was that the insurgency coming after me, like they
went after Flora and Gramble?  Driscoll said they were going after anyone
who's shown sympathy towards Amber, and I definitely fall under that
category.  As does Riftvan...  Is that why he's not answering me? 
Driscoll said he hadn't seen him, and insurgents have swept through all of
Chaos by now.  I pray he's just lying low.  If he had enough warning about
what was happening, they'll never be able to find him.  If he had enough
warning.  Gods, it all seems so hopeless, right now.  If the Serpent has
the Jewel back...  How do we fight something like that?

	I almost wish I had not asked Meander the details of what he saw
in his vision of the children.  He doesn't understand why I cannot just
accept what it showed and move on.  Accept it?  How can I?  After
everything I've gone through, I couldn't bear to lose Ana now.  I just
couldn't.  I can still sense her mind, and hear her heart beat.  How can I
accept that she is lost to me while she yet lives?  But, if it truly is
Benedict that Meander saw, how can I hope to stop him?  Gods, I wish
Riftvan was here.  Maybe he could do something.  If I am stabbed with a
Takaran blade, I cannot heal the damage, even if Ana herself is missed.  I
wish I'd been able to finish my lessons with Looks Twice.  Gods, I don't
know what to do anymore.  I can't lose my baby.  Gods, Unicorn, whatever
deities there are here, please don't let me lose her.  I beg you.

Afternoon

	Oh Mother, I'm so sorry.  I should have come home as soon as you
broke the contact.  Then maybe I could have stopped you from leaving.  Or
maybe if I'd followed your trail right away...  I shouldn't have left you
out there all alone.  Why did this have to happen to you?  I wish I could
help you.  I wish I could get to you.  But I can't get to the Disc, and
Bart has it frozen, anyway.  At least you'll be safe.  I wish I had
brought you through to that damn boat.  This is all my fault.

	I am at my wit's end.  If only I could armor myself.  There must
be a Faerie spell to do so, but Foster is in Rath, Tamaryn is on some
mission for Ahab, and I can't reach Lavender.  Where can she be?  I hope
nothing bad has happened to her.  If she dies now, I not only lose my
friend, but the rest of my children as well.

	I have come to the Pattern, in my desperation.  I have nowhere
else to turn.  If this child is special to the Pattern, then maybe the
Pattern can tell me how to protect it, or at least deter the killer from
attacking me in its presence.  But the Pattern remains as silent as ever. 
I once found its dancing patterns of light to be soothing, but no longer. 
At least Meander seems intent on studying it.  I can only hope that he and
Abel will not see the tears I can no longer keep from falling.  There is
nothing more I can do, and I know it is not enough.

	Ahab plans to mount a rescue party, to stop Chaos from executing
Gramble and Flora.  I am sure this Zane will be expecting us to try and
stop them, and will be waiting for us, but I no longer care.  The way I
feel right now, Chaos is as good a place to die as any.

	I have spoken to Shard again, and he is much changed since the
last time I... saw him.  The guilt, the hesitation, are all gone.  He
seems so sure of himself now.  The result of coming into adulthood as a
vampire?  Or simply the result of aging 400 years?  It's impossible to
say.  Merely the sight of him brought back so many feelings that I had
forgotten.  Or tried to forget, at least.  There was a moment when I felt
myself becoming lost again, but, thankfully, it quickly faded. 
Apparently, 400 years have given Shard the ability to control that...
feeling between us.  He has promised that out last encounter will not
happen again, unless I wish it, and I do not.  At least, my heart does
not.  It would be unfair to Riftvan, and I love him too much to hurt him
this way.  But...  In another time, and another place, I think I would
sleep with Shard again.  The attraction between us is so strong...  It is
only my love for Riftvan that allows me to resist it, and even that did
not prove enough that one time.  Meander said all stories of humans losing
souls to vampires were love stories.  I wish I knew more about what he
meant by that.  Right now, this seems more like a tragedy than a love
story.  There are times I wish I hadn't been so willing to help Shard. 
But he said my soul was what kept him going all of these years.  All of
these centuries.  If that is true, then how can I regret what I did for
him?

	This would be so much easier if he didn't love me.  I suspected he
might, after the letter he wrote, but I had assumed it was all due to our
link.  How long has he felt this way?  Since before he became a vampire? 
When I was suffering from morning sickness when we were in Lazarus, he was
the one who was so concerned, the one who insisted I lie down...  I
remembering thinking it was sweet that he was being so chivalrous.  Maybe
it was something more?  But that seems unlikely.  He loved Lavender then,
and Beauty after that, I know he did.  I saw how badly he felt, after he
ended things between them.  Gods, this is confusing.  How can he still
feel anything for me after 400 years?

	No matter what course I take, I fear things will end badly.  I
must tell Riftvan of what happened between Shard and I.  But if I do,
Shard thinks Riftvan will go after him for what he did.  I don't want that
to happen.  The thought of them fighting each other, hurting each other,
maybe even killing each other...  It was bad enough when Ahab was trying
to kill Riftvan.  I do not wish to go through that again.

	Riftvan is alive.  I felt his presence through the ring again.  I
do not know where he is, but at least he is alive.  I only wish I had been
able to stop him from sensing what effect the day's events have had on me. 
Between his reassurance, and what Shard did earlier, I do feel better,
though.  I suppose seeing Benedict had something to do with that, as well. 
He must have been deprogrammed of whatever Dara did to him, or Ahab would
never have allowed him here.  There's no guarantee that he was the killer
of Meander's vision, of course, but it was Benedict that I knew I could
never stop.  Against someone else, maybe I have a chance.  Maybe.  For the
first time today, I feel the tiniest bit of hope.  Which is an odd thing
to feel right before launching an attack on Chaos, but at least that's
something I can handle.