Somewhere in Shadow, year nine, day 306 continued

	All that, and Usires' ax was never even altered.  Was Miranda
simply lying about being able to make the blade Takaran, in order to get
her hands on the ax?  Perhaps.  I'll have a better idea when I see the
sample that she gave to Usires.  I don't think she was in league with
Dara, though.  Usires said no one recommended Miranda to him.  He chose
her because he saw her work, and liked her craftsmanship.  It seems
unlikely that he would just happen to choose one of Dara's people in that
manner.  No, I think Dara simply took Miranda and Usires' ax to bait the
trap.  Whether Miranda is dead, or just a prisoner somewhere, remains to
be seen.

Vetchways

	Why did Mother have to do this now?  She gets so fixated on these
things.  What was I supposed to do?  Bring her through to a ship full of
dead bodies?  Why can't she understand this?  It's so frustrating. 
Sometimes she acts like an adult, but then she turns around and acts like
a small child, and I'm growing tired of it.  I have four small children
already, and there will be a fifth one soon.  I want a mother, not another
child.

	I have found Mother's path, and it wanders out into Shadow where I
cannot risk following.  Damn her timing.  I cannot pursue her now.  It is
too dangerous for me to track her alone, and I cannot ask Lavender and the
others to assist me again, so soon.  What am I going to do?  This is like
the problem with Felix, all over again.  I shall have to alert Ahab, at
the very least.  He needs to know that Mother is missing, in case Dara
decides to use her against us.  And perhaps he can spare someone to help
me find her.

Amber

	Oberon is dead.  I do not know the details of how.  The page that
gave me the news did not know them, and I was so relieved that the King
which he referred to was Oberon, not Ahab, that I didn't investigate
further.  My heart felt as though it stopped for a moment, at the thought
that Ahab had been murdered.  I know I should feel just as upset about
Oberon's death, but I cannot.  Ahab has been my friend since I first came
to Amber, and we have been through much, together.  Oberon, on the other
hand, brought nothing but stress into my life, from the moment he returned
to Amber.  It was he that forced me to leave Amber, he that arranged
Jalana's betrothal, and he that ordered Arthur executed, so that he could
force Arthur's mother to marry him.  I cannot mourn the death of such a
man too terribly much.

	Ahab did not take the news of Mother's disappearance very well at
all, and I have been ordered to do nothing about it.  I hate the thought
of just sitting at home while she could be in trouble, but even if I was
foolish enough to risk going after her alone, it would mean disobeying
Ahab, and, given his current mood, that would be extremely unwise. 
Oberon's death, no doubt, caused at least part of his foul mood.  I hope
that's all it is.  What more could there be?  We have Gerard back, leaving
only Benedict in Dara's hands.  Unless someone else has gone missing. 
Gods, I hope that's not it.

Vetchways

Evening

	Kira has never heard of Miranda, but I asked her to tell me if she
comes across anything regarding the woman.  She is my only lead right now
as to how that damnable metal is made.  I have Usires' sample, of course,
which at least gives me an idea of the metal's raw form, and how to find
it, but I still lack the knowledge of how it is transformed.  The metal
itself does not seem too unusual.  It is a fine metal for weapons,
actually, and I believe it could be forged with little effort, but I sense
none of the disquieting feeling from it that I get from Takaran blades. 
Obviously, this is introduced by the sorcery, somehow.  I hope Lavender is
having better luck with her end.

Vetchways, year nine, day 307 (Tuesday, July 4)

Early morning

	Thank the gods that he's back, and safe, and whole, and Dara is
dead at last.  I was beginning to fear the worst.  I cannot describe the
relief I felt when I awoke to find him lying next to me.  I held him
tightly for the longest time, almost afraid that if I let him go, he would
disappear again.  There is so much I have to tell him.  I still do not
know how I will explain some of it, only that I must.  But it can wait
until tomorrow.  Tonight, I just want to enjoy the feel of his arms around
me, and his lips on mine, and never let him go.

Amber

Morning

	There are some images that stay with you for the rest of your
life.  What I saw when I touched Meander...  I think it will haunt me
forever.  I only caught the briefest glimpse before Meander woke up... 
Children bleeding, cut in such a manner that I knew the wounds were
mortal.  My children, and Laughter's, and...  I could not see them all
clearly, they flashed by so quickly, and yet not quickly enough.  Meander
must have seen much more of it.  How does he stand it?  I don't know.  All
I know is that if I have to stay with the children every minute from now
on, to save them from that awful fate I saw, then that's what I will do. 
I won't lose them in this manner.  I won't.

Vetchways

	Riftvan knew something was wrong as soon as he saw me.  I felt
such apprehension that I could not conceal it from him.  At least he's
certain that the children are safe while they are in the house.  The
connected Shadows are protected as well, but less so, so there will be no
picnics on the beach for a little while.  Riftvan noticed Mother's
absence, of course, and offered to go after her when I explained.  I felt
so torn.  I desperately wanted someone to find Mother, before she got
hurt, but...  He was not even back a day, and I didn't want him to leave
again, not so soon.  Especially not after what I saw.  But if the children
are safe here, I couldn't just leave Mother out there.  I just couldn't.

	At least he gave me another Takaran dagger before he left,
although he found the tale of how I lost mine far too amusing for my
taste.  It isn't funny.  Maybe he's been assassinating people for so long
that he doesn't remember what it's like to kill someone that way for the
first time, but it bothers me quite a bit.  And I don't find having my
mind taken over to be a laughing manner, either.  He ought to know that,
at least.  Ever since Sand did it to me...  I asked if there was a way to
prevent it from happening, but he could only suggest that I strengthen my
mind.  As if I haven't been trying to.  It's always too little, too late,
it seems.

	I've tried to warn Lavender about Meander's vision, but her Trump
will not even grow cold.  Is she dead?  No, she can't be, I won't believe
it.  I saw her only yesterday.  She can't be dead.  Gods, I hope Foster
knows where she is.

Amber

Afternoon

	Lavender lives, thank goodness.  She and Nicholas were pulled into
Faerie, while she was investigating Caitt's disappearance, but they were
allowed to leave.  The Faeries are still holding Caitt, though, until she
promises not to meddle in their affairs again.  This cannot be easy for
Lavender.  I doubt the Faeries will harm Caitt in any way, other than not
letting her leave, but if she is half as stubborn as Lavender, she may be
there a while.  I wish there was a way to convince them to release her,
but I know enough of Faerie to know how unlikely that is, and Caitt knew
enough of Faerie to know how they would respond.  I wonder why Faerie is
interested in Alex, anyway?

Evening

	Caine is among the missing.  I feel badly about his disappearance,
but it would have happened even if Usires and I had not gone searching for
his ax.  Felix would have left anyway, and his trip into Shadow is what
likely gave Caine away.  Still, I can see why this has been so frustrating
for Ahab.  I suppose that's why he ordered everyone to stay around the
castle.

	Ahab asked me to tell him all I knew of Faerie and its culture. 
It seems he is planning to try to come to some sort of understanding with
them.  I can't imagine that this makes Lavender very happy, but I feel
relieved to know this.  Despite all that happened with Caolan, I've always
like the Faeries and their environs.  There is just something about their
Shadows that feels right, somehow.  The trees more beautiful, the air
fresher, the breeze cooler.  Maybe it is the Faerie soul I possess that
causes me to feel so comfortable there.  I do not know.  I wish I
understood how having such a soul affects me.  I just know I feel a
kinship to Faerie, and I would rather there was peace between them and
Amber.  If we can ally with Chaos, despite Patternfall and all the enmity
that existed between us, and still exists among some, then surely we can
ally with Faerie, who has never waged war against Amber.  I know Ahab
dislikes them, but it is not reasonable to blame an entire race for the
acts of a few.  We do not condemn all of Chaos for the actions of Dara and
Rygat, after all, nor are we condemned for the actions of Sand and Brand. 
Perhaps Ahab finally understands this.

Vetchways

	I hope Riftvan returns with Mother soon.  I am worried about her. 
There are so many things she just refuses to understand.  I suppose it's
just her mind's way of protecting her.  Eral knows, there have been times
when I've wanted to do the same, to just shut out all of the things that
make me unhappy.  I certainly tried my best when Ana was cursed.  Would I
have wound up like Mother if Riftvan hadn't stopped me?  I don't know.  It
is not a pleasant thought, to be sure.  Some forms of madness are
hereditary, after all, and neither Mother nor my grandmother would be
considered sane.  It frightens me that I may wind up like them, some day. 
I pray I take after my father, at least in that regard.

	I wish I knew more about my father.  It bothers me to know so
little about the man who is half of what I am.  Genetically, at least. 
What makes me what I am, anyway?  It is a question I have been dwelling
much on, of late.  Is it the parents who created me, but I never knew of
until recently?  Is it the parents who raised me, but had no genetic ties
to me?  Is it my soul, which once was the soul of another?  I don't know. 
Some combination of all, I would imagine, but in what proportion?  I try
to tell myself that genetics cannot play too strong a role, for that is
the only thing that never changes, and if it was the primary source of who
I am, then I would never change, either.  But I have, more than I like to
admit, sometimes.  I don't feel any different, and yet...  When I look
back at how I used to be, I cannot deny that I am not the same person who
first set foot upon the Pattern.

	So, is it genetics, environment, or spirit that makes the core of
who we are?  I guess, if I had to put it into words, I believe we are born
with our soul, and the body our genetics gave us.  The body has certain
gifts, which it received from our parents, and certain limitations, which
it received from them as well.  It is the framework in which we reside,
while the soul is the core of what we are, our potential, if you will. 
That potential must operate within the limitations of the body, but the
body itself cannot hurt the soul on its own.  The environment in which the
soul matures, however, is capable of causing the most damage.  No soul, no
matter how wonderful the body it resides in, can survive in an environment
of neglect, hatred, and despair, without those things becoming a part of
it.  But if a soul is surrounded by love, and caring, and friendship, then
those things will become a part of it instead.  This is why I have tried
so hard to make sure that the children are loved and cherished.  And why I
think I may have a chance of avoiding the insanity that seems to run in my
line.  Even if my body is predisposed towards the fate of Mother, or my
grandmother, my childhood was much happier than Mother's, and I have
friends and family who love me.  I tell myself that this should be enough
to keep me from following in their footsteps.  And that, maybe, if Mother
is in the same environment for long enough, she will finally feel safe
enough to face the world again.

	There is only one problem with this belief, though.  If the soul
is the core of our being, what does it mean when you lose a part of it?

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