Vetchways, year nine, day 305 (Sunday, July 2)

Morning

	I'm glad Riftvan called, even if he can't come home yet.  At least
I know he's all right.  I know it's only been a week since he left, but I
worry all the same.  I wonder why my ring pulsed at the beginning of the
call?  I thought perhaps he was an impostor, but he didn't attempt to come
through, or attack me...  It was very strange, and it worries me.  I think
I will delay my departure for Amber by a few hours.  Just to make sure.

Amber

	Meander seems to be healing well.  He was asleep when I checked on
him, but was free of pain.  I extended the spell, so that he could
continue his rest.  It is the best thing for him, really.  Nicholas, on
the other hand, was suffering quite a bit, although he wouldn't mention it
to me.  He did not refuse my aid, though.  He obviously takes after his
father, as far as his healing rate is concerned.  I made a greater effort
with the spell this time, so it should last longer than it did before. 
I'm glad I didn't block the pain entirely, though.  It is obvious that he
is growing restless, especially now that he doesn't have the pain to
distract him.  I know how he feels.  I remember how irritated I felt while
waiting for my shoulder to heal, after the battle with Rygat.  But he
needs to give his body time to repair the damage.  He said he'd stay put,
but I've left instructions with the nurses, just in case.  They will bring
Ahab into this, if they must.  I just hope it isn't necessary.  Perhaps I
should stay in Amber for lunch, and check on him afterwards.

	Lavender came looking for me, ironically to discuss the very thing
I had wished to speak with her about.  She has come to know of Takaran
blades, and wishes to find a way to counter them.  We managed to outline a
few avenues of investigation.  There is a part of me that wonders how
likely we are to succeed, however.  Takaran blades have been around for at
least 2,000 years.  Why hasn't anyone found a way to counter them in all
that time?  Is it because there is no way?  Or no one has lived long
enough to discover it?  A paranoid thought, to be sure, but this morning's
events have left me in a rather paranoid frame of mind.  At least the
story of how Felix obtained his sunburn lightened my mood a bit. 
Although, even that isn't funny, when you think about it.  He could easily
have been killed.  He's lucky Ariadne found him, and that Tamaryn was able
to heal him.  No wonder he didn't want to talk about it.  It must be
terribly hard on him, to know Dara has his father.

Afternoon

	The alarms began before lunch was more than halfway over, and the
bodies in the main hall were enough to tell me it was bad.  It must have
Trumped in, for there were no bodies by the front entrance.  Which means
that whatever that thing was, it was intelligent.  Since I could find no
means of tracking it, I decided to go up to the infirmary, in case it was
more of Dara's assassins, trying to finish the job.  I must remember to
thank Riftvan again for my ring.  Even with its warning, I never saw what
hit me, but at least I'm still alive.  It felt like a giant claw tried to
take my head off, and then threw me into a wall.  Maybe if I'd been
thinking clearly, I would have stayed there.  But I just couldn't lie
there while it killed Meander or Nicholas.  Not to mention all those it
was killing in its efforts to reach them.  I think Felix said something to
me somewhere in there, but my memories of the events are rather fuzzy.  I
mostly remember watching person after person get shredded by an invisible
force, and trying desperately to predict its course so I could hit it, or
catch up to it so I could try to stop it, and failing miserably. 
Thankfully, Deirdre's sudden arrival seemed to persuade it to skip the
infirmary, and it vanished soon afterward.  I wish it hadn't escaped,
because this means it can come back.  It left so many dying, I couldn't
hope to save them all.  How am I supposed to choose who lives and who
dies?  I did my best to save the children, at least.  I lost consciousness
somewhere in there.

	I guess someone must have found me and brought me to the
infirmary.  My head aches still, but I lack the strength to fully heal it
right now.  I can feel where my hair was shorn off by that thing's claws. 
I must look a sight, right now.  Nicholas and Meander seem to have
weathered the attack all right, but I only see five other patients in the
infirmary.  That can't be all.  There were so many bodies lying in the
halls.  These cannot be the only survivors.  Were the ones I healed the
only ones that were saved?  Gods, it's possible.  The injuries I healed
were fatal enough.  Whatever that thing was, it killed with an efficiency
that frightens me.  I suppose I'm lucky to be alive.  Especially since I
was careless enough to leave my head unprotected.  How did that thing know
to strike there, though?  My armor was under my clothes, and I designed it
to be unnoticeable.  How could the creature have been sure that my head
was the only vulnerable spot?  I don't know, but I'm probably not thinking
very clearly right now.  I'm so tired.  I don't want to sleep, because I
know Nicholas will jump up again as soon as I do, but I do not think I can
stay awake any longer.

	It is hard to say which surprised me more, waking up to find
Nicholas asleep, or Meander awake.  Meander intends to try to heal his
wound himself, once he regains more of his strength.  I am curious to see
if he can affect it.  If he can, then I must accelerate my own learning of
healing magic.  I wonder why he directed me to Looks Twice, if he knows
the magic as well?  I shall have to ask him, when he gets better.  If he
could tutor me in Amber, it would be so much easier.  If not, I shall have
to ask Bartholomew if he will allow me back to the Disc again, and if he
knows of a way to speed the time there.  It would be wonderful to be able
to heal Takaran injuries, especially with a means that does not take so
much out of me.  Finishing what I started on the pages and myself has left
me almost exhausted as I was after the attack.

	The children seem to be all right, thank the gods.  It seems like
lately, every time I go to Amber, some sort of attack takes place.  I
didn't think to clean up before Trumping Mother, but fortunately she
didn't seem to find my lost hair, or the blood on my face, to be unusual. 
I'll have to fix that before I go home.  I don't want to frighten the
children.  The blood, at least, I can wash out, but how am I going to
explain what happened to my hair?  I wonder if I can use my healing magic
to regrow it?  If it is truly shapeshifting, then it should be possible...

	It was not until I took a shower that it finally got to me, and I
cried for quite some time.  I cried for all the ones I couldn't save,
their lives ended so abruptly by whatever that creature was.  I cried
because I wasn't fast enough to stop it, nor strong enough to heal the
injured afterwards.  I spared five, but so many more died.  I couldn't
even save all of the children.  I am so weary of this.  Children shouldn't
have to die, especially not like that.  It could have been my children, if
we were still living here.  They were someone's children, after all. 
Someone's heart is broken.  Someone else is crying.  The deaths of the
guards is no less tragic, but at least they knew the risks when they took
their job.  They understood that their lives might end this way.  It
doesn't make it right, but it does make it easier to bear.  But the
children...  They deserved more.  They had lived such a short span of
time.  And now it's all they'll ever know.  And it hurts.  Because maybe
if I had been more careful, I wouldn't have gotten injured.  And then
maybe I could have saved them all.  Or more of them.  Why didn't I wait to
heal myself until I healed them?  Surely, my injuries weren't as grave as
theirs.  I should have waited.  But knowing that doesn't bring them back. 
And as I watch the red water run down my fingers, it feels like it is
their blood on my hands, not mine.

Vetchways

	I cannot bring myself to join in the children's game right now. 
They are playing war.  War the way children see it, of course, where no
one stays dead, and castles are easily rebuilt.  After the events of the
past two days, I'm afraid I find it too depressing to participate in. 
Although it is gratifying to watch them, in some small way, for at least
they have been spared the horrors of real war, so far.  I would spare them
this for a little longer, if I may.  Still, watching them run and laugh,
it's hard not to think of the children that will run and laugh no more.  I
wish this was all over.

Amber

Evening

	I attended dinner in hopes of learning just what we were attacked
by, and in hopes of finding Usires, but I wasn't expecting this.  To go
after Dara alone...  It's akin to suicide.  It seems that it was one of
Dara's Logrus ghosts that caused all the death today, and apparently Dara
has also managed to capture Benedict, in addition to Gerard.  What does
Felix think he can do alone?  Especially given what happened the last
time.  Obviously, he isn't thinking.  I understand why, though.  When
Riftvan disappeared while going after Sand that one time, everyone was too
busy shoring up Amber's defenses to go after her, much like Ahab is too
busy to send anyone after Gerard.  And I remember talking to Benedict,
asking where Sand was likely to be, knowing inside that it was my death to
go after her alone, and yet feeling that I could not sit by while Sand
might be killing Riftvan.  I'm sure Felix feels that way this time.
Still, I cannot just sit here and let him be lost to Dara.  Finding him
will be the tricky part.  He must be using that broach of his, since I
cannot reach him by Trump.  Perhaps Tamaryn knows of a way.  She, Lavender
and Foster seemed as unhappy about this as I am.  Why was Foster so
reluctant to accept my aid, anyway?  I am no Pattern master, nor much of a
sorcerer, but I am still fairly good with a sword.  Better than he,
Lavender or Tamaryn, to be certain.  Well, it doesn't matter.  What
matters is finding Felix, before Dara gets to him.  I hope we're not too
late.