Vetchways, year nine, day 295 (Thursday, June 22)

Morning

	Poor Lavender.  She got herself so worked up about her apology,
trying to think of a way to present it to Riftvan without him killing her,
and then I arrange the meeting, and he simply accepts it.  She looked so
stunned...  And when he sent his regards to Foster, well, it is fortunate
that she was already seated.  It gladdens my heart to see the change that
has over come him.  Even if he did imply that I was keeping him henpecked. 
I wonder how Foster will react?

Afternoon

Maui

	Lavender's next child will be a girl, and an ornery one at that,
if the sense of her that I got is any judge.  She was most distressed by
the news.  It seems she was hoping for another boy.  She should be
grateful that this one is a girl.  Boys can be so much more difficult. 
Perhaps if she watched my boys for a few days, she would understand.

Amber

	I believe the tea with Kimdyl went rather well, all things
considered.  Although I have to wonder how much Ahab overheard.  No
matter.  He cannot have expected us not to discuss him, given that we both
have him in common.  I find the story that Ahab told her as to why we
broke up rather amusing.  Men can never acknowledge that they could ever
have been partially at fault in these situations, or that the breakup was
mutual.  It was a surprisingly free conversation, actually.  We talked
about the children, of course.  I definitely agree that Nimue and Ahab are
going to be butting heads frequently.  She seems to have inherited his
stubbornness, among other things.  We even discussed Ahab's scar, which I
certainly wasn't expecting.  While I cannot say that we are good friends
yet, we no longer seem to be enemies.  And that is a good beginning.  One
interesting thing I noted, though.  Kimdyl seemed well acquainted with
what sorts of foods I enjoy.  Not that I make a secret of it, but it means
that she either has a phenomenal memory or a decent information network. 
Or both.  I wonder if she was making a point of showing this to me, to see
if I made note of it or not?  it wouldn't surprise me.

Vetchways, year nine, day 296 (Friday, June 23)

Morning

	Dara's execution is today, and I really wish I did not have to
attend it.  I suppose that, technically, I do not, since Riftvan said I do
not have to accompany him.  But, since he must go, I feel I must go with
him.  It would look odd if I did not.  I do appreciate his willingness to
spare me the experience, though, no matter how it might look.  I just wish
it was over with, already.  I do not think I shall rest very easy until
Dara is dead.  If she is truly a pawn of the Logrus, as Riftvan said, I
fear this will not be an easy thing to accomplish.

Afternoon

	Riftvan still has not regained consciousness.  I pray it is simply
due to what Lyss did with the Pattern, rather than anything Dara may have
done to him while he was rescuing Bart.  Dara certainly moves incredibly
fast.  I hope I did the right thing in bringing him back to the Ways. 
Amber should be safe, so long as Lyss keeps that Pattern barrier up, but
if Riftvan's current state is due to the Pattern, I don't imagine staying
in such close proximity to it would help his recovery any.  And he did
once say that his Ways are safer than Amber.  I can only pray that he's
right.  Besides, the children are here, and I feel nervous about leaving
them right now.  I just wish he would become aware enough to allow me to
block some of the pain that he's feeling.

	Perhaps I should not have gone through.  But I had little choice. 
I could not continue to allow Lavender and her kin to be punished for my
actions.  I should not have allowed things to go on this long, in fact.  I
was waiting for Riftvan to arrange the audience, but Riftvan has so many
things to deal with right now...  I should have asked Tamaryn.  But I
didn't.  So how could I refuse the opportunity to settle things?  Settle
things...  As if this will ever truly be settled.  He wants a child.  My
child.  A child by Riftvan or a child by him, it makes no difference to
him.  For a Faerie, his offer was incredibly generous.  And there would be
no more bloodshed.  But...  Can I bear a child and just give it up like
that?  He has promised that I can visit it as much as I want, but it is
not the same as being there.  He has no wife, so the child would have no
mother at all, not unless he marries.  I'm sure he'd love the child, but
with his position, he cannot possibly have the time to be both mother and
father to it.  And what would he say when it grew old enough to ask about
its mother?  Gods help me, I don't think I can bring a child into this
world, knowing it would grow up under those circumstances.  But if I
cannot bring myself to do this, what am I going to do?  What man would
want a child by his previous child's killer, anyway?

Foil

	Would that Ahab had not learned the details of this.  Would that
Lavender had not been there.  Ahab says he will invade Dexter if I give my
life to settle this, and I cannot dissuade him.  I do not want things to
come to this.  Invading Dexter will change nothing, save cause the deaths
of thousands, or even millions, of innocent people.  I do not want any
more blood to be shed over what I have done.  And Lavender...  Lavender
has told Riftvan of this, and now I cannot reach him.  I fear that he has
gone to kill the Dexterian King, so I must go there again, far sooner than
I wished.  I do not know what I will say once I get there, only that I
cannot allow any more death to take place because of me.

Vetchways

	I should have killed myself.  I deserve nothing less than death
for allowing things to come to this.  This is my fault.  I should be the
one to suffer, not the child.  If the curse only caused me physical pain,
I could bear that.  But for the child to bring me nothing but pain, then I
fear that she must suffer as well.  And she should not.  I cannot allow
this to happen.  How could I allow this to happen?  Better I killed him
then let him curse the baby.  Why didn't I see this coming?  I was
prepared for a physical response, but a curse simply never occurred to me. 
It should have occurred to me.  I should have been ready for it.  I should
have found a way to defend against it.  But now, it is too late.  Only my
death can end this.  If I am not alive to be caused pain, her life should
no longer be affected by the curse.  I could not live knowing I had caused
suffering in my own child, not when I could end it.

	Riftvan must be so very angry with me right now.  And I cannot
blame him.  I've put our child in danger by my stupidity.  Why did I think
the King would see reason?  If only I could have taken his offer.  But I
could not, no matter how much I tried to tell myself otherwise.  I could
bear sleeping with him, but I could not give up the child from such a
union, anymore than I could give up the children I already have.  He must
have known that if I could not give up the child I now carry, I could not
give up another.  I do not think this is the legacy his daughter would
want.  But I doubt that matters to him, anymore.  All he wants is his
vengeance.  He asked me what I would do if I were in his position.  I said
I did not know, and I still don't.  But I know what I would not do.  I
would not cause an innocent child to suffer.  I might seek the death of
the one responsible, or their maiming, or their service.  And I was
willing to offer him any of these.  But not this.  But he is not me, and
it does not seem to bother him a bit.  I wish with all my heart that there
was a way to resolve this.  I do not want Ana to suffer, and I do not want
a war between Dexter and Foil, or Dexter and Amber.  But every road I see
ends in death.  And there does not seem to be any way to escape it. 
Better it be my death, than thousands of others.  I could not live with
that.  And I shall not.  This is my fault.  All my fault.  And only I can
make amends for it.