Vetchways, year nine, day 272 (Tuesday, May 30)

Afternoon

	I'm beginning to worry about Shannon and Vincent.  They have begun
to exhibit a bit of a mean streak of late.  Where are they getting this
from?  I've tried to teach them how to behave properly, and I love them
dearly, but obviously I must be doing something wrong.  I just wish I knew
what.

	Mother has been teaching Jalana conjuring, and she's picking it up
quickly.  So far the boys have shown no interest in joining her.  I don't
think they've realized it's anything more than "boring girl stuff" yet. 
It feels rather odd to watch Jalana learning the very same things I am. 
Just another example of how backwards I am compared to those who grow up
in Amber or Chaos.  I suppose I must get used to the idea that the
children will someday surpass me in everything.  Which is good, because I
don't want them to be hurt, but, if they become better than I, what will
they need me for?

Evening

	Riftvan still has not returned.  I hate the waiting.  He's been
alive for over 3,000 years, but every time he leaves, I fear that I will
never see him again.  I tell myself that this is foolish, but that doesn't
seem to help.  I'm glad that Mother is still here.  I could use the
company.  I wonder how things are going in Amber?  I think this is the
longest I've been away since the move to Chaos.  I wish I could be there,
if only to see how Ahab is handling his new role.  I'd love to find out
what he was up to while he was away for so long, but he's doubtless too
busy right now to have the time for such idle talk.  I'll be seeing him
soon enough, at any rate, assuming Riftvan is able to find Brand.  I know
I probably should let Ahab know what's going on about that, but I think
Riftvan wants to surprise him, and after what happened with Laughter's
wedding, I'm not going to pass up any opportunity that will help him
forget that.  I just hope he gets back soon.

Vetchways, year nine, day 273 (Wednesday, May 31)

Afternoon

	I'm an Amberite again!  I can't believe it.  As if getting the
block removed wasn't going to be enough to make this day a wonderful one. 
I'm so glad Ahab became king.  Why the hell couldn't Random to this, back
when he was in charge?  Probably because it wasn't worth the effort. 
Heather and I were they only ones it would have affected back then, and
Heather was perfectly happy to be a Chaosite, so why make such a change
just to make me happy?  But Ahab has lost all of our aunts to this law, so
he has everything to gain by changing it.  Still, even if his motives may
not have been entirely motivated by altruism, I'm happy all the same.  I
could have kissed him, in fact, but Kimdyl would kill me if she ever found
out, and it would have been terribly rude to do in front of Riftvan. 
Still, I couldn't stop myself from hugging him, even if he is now my king. 
At least he is a king I will follow.  I wonder what Riftvan will think of
this?

	In the end, there was simply a small pop, kind of like the one you
get in your ears when you're adjusting to altitude, only this one was in
my mind.  And that was it.  One moment, all of Lavender's lessons made as
little sense as before, the next I understood every word of it, as plain
as day.  It was amazing.  Between this and Ahab's news, I'm positively
giddy.  I could barely stop myself from dancing for joy.  I want to laugh,
to dance, to sing...  But I must focus my efforts on learning my first
spell.  Our anniversary is only 12 days away, but maybe I can complete it
before then.  It would add such a nice touch.  Still, I'm not sure I can
concentrate for long.  I hope Riftvan returns soon, so I can make good use
of all of this energy.

Evening

	Riftvan reacted to the news of my citizenship about how I
expected, which is to say, as little as possible.  No doubt he already
knew, since he was probably listening to Ahab's conversation with me.  I
hope he wasn't, though.  The remark Ahab made at the end was rather
insulting to the House, and while it doesn't matter to me, the House means
a great deal to Riftvan.  I can't believe he asked if I would be moving
back to Amber now.  Of course not!  At least, not without him.  I miss
Amber dearly, but I don't think Riftvan could leave his Ways at this time,
not when he's trying to rebuild the House, and I won't live without him. 
He endured Amber for five years to be with me, after all.  Admittedly, he
was sick for part of that time, and even when he wasn't, Amber was the
safest place to be, given the vendetta.  Still, I owe him more than a few
weeks in his own home before I give into my homesickness.  And I think it
would hurt him greatly if I left.  He built half of the Ways himself, and
to reject them would, in part, reject him.  Besides, I must admit, I kind
of like the idea of being able to just walk through a wall and find myself
in a forest, or on the ocean, as opposed to having to ride to them, or
move.  And I will never have to endure the winter weather, unless I choose
to.  Besides, I've put so much work into the gardens, I could hardly leave
them now.  I guess this place is growing on me.  A little.

Vetchways, year nine, day 277 (Sunday, June 4)

	Riftvan thinks Shannon and Vincent's behavior is due more to their
blood than anything I've done.  I still don't quite believe it.  I know
certain characteristics are genetic, but environment should be much more
important.  I'm nothing like my mother, after all.  Well, whatever the
cause, I intend to do my damnedest to make sure that they don't turn out
like Sand.

Vetchways, year nine, day 280 (Wednesday, June 7)

Evening

	I really should have seen this coming.  I've felt the presence of
the Pattern growing along with the baby, and I suspected it might cause
some problems, but I wasn't expecting this!  I just figured it would hurt
if he tried to shapeshift me, but not when we were making love.  In a way,
I guess it makes sense that it would have this affect first.  What are we
going to do?  I don't even want to think about not being able to sleep
with him until after the baby is born.  And if it's having this affect
now, when I'm barely two months along, what will happen when I'm closer to
term?  Will he be unable to touch me at all?  To sleep in the same bed? 
To even be in the same room?  I don't think I could stand that.  There
must be a solution.  What's going to happen when the baby's born?  Will he
even be able to hold her?

	We appear to have found a solution, at least for now.  There are
forms he can take which the Pattern won't disturb.  His Faerie form, for
one.  Or one of my family.  He actually asked me to pick a cousin.  I was
briefly tempted to pick Driscoll.  I must admit, there's still a part of
me that wishes I could have slept with him, just once.  But I'm afraid
that if I sleep with Riftvan in the form of someone else I know, that it
will be like I'm sleeping with them, not with him.  That isn't fair to
him.  Nor would it be easy for me.  I still get confused by Martin,
sometimes.  No, I think I will avoid the forms of my cousins.  I'm still
worried about the birth, though.  If there's a problem, like there was
with Morgan, the Pattern will probably make it impossible to help me.  For
that matter, if anything goes wrong before the birth, there wouldn't be
much Riftvan could do, either.  Nor will he be able to monitor the health
of the child.  It seems that I shall have to go out into Shadow again for
pre-natal exams.

Vetchways, year nine, day 282 (Friday, June 9)

Morning

	Today marks a month since I lost a piece of myself to Shard, and I
am still alive.  The only other known person to lose part of their soul to
a vampire was dead at this point.  I guess I'm in uncharted territory now. 
I should see how Shard is doing.  Maybe now that this much time has
passed, the bond between us will have lessened.

Amber

Evening

	I suppose now I know why Lavender has been acting the way she has
of late.  Shard's relationship with Beauty is at an end, and it has broken
his heart.  It's like some tragic love story.  She loves him, while he
loves her mother.  He loses her mother to another man, but she remains too
young for him to notice her.  Then she grows up overnight, but returns to
find him a vampire.  She saves him, he finally falls in love with her, but
in the end he gives her up.  It would make a wonderful play, but as a real
life situation, it just sucks.  Everyone's hurt in the end, and no one is
happy.  Except for Lavender, I suppose.  And Nicholas, since his chances
at Beauty are now much improved.  But I still wish it could have ended
differently.  At least most of me does.  Unfortunately, the bond between
us remains as strong as ever, and every time I look at him, a large part
of me still wants him very badly.  It is a most animalistic urge, with no
logic or reason to it, but that does nothing to lessen the intensity of
the feeling.  It is hardest to resist when I look into his eyes.  At least
Riftvan's efforts seem to have helped prevent the memory of what happened
when I lost that piece of my soul from rising to the surface quite so
readily.  But I'm beginning to think that I may never be free of the
connection between us, nor the desire that I feel, and I fear that someday
I may succumb to it and be lost forever.

Vetchways, year nine, day 284 (Sunday, June 11)

Night

	It all went perfectly.  I think he was actually at a loss for
words for a moment there.  And the look in his eyes...  It made all of my
efforts worthwhile.  I've been so worried that I wouldn't be able to
finish the spell in time, or that the food wouldn't come out right, even
though I'd been practicing so much, but it was all worth it to see the
expression on his face.  Especially when he opened his gift.  I will
treasure that look for a long time to come.

Vetchways, year nine, day 285 (Monday, June 12)

Morning

	Gods, what a night!  Pity it's over.  I was tempted to stay much
longer.  Ah, well.  I love his gift to me.  There something about the way
old books smell in general that makes them special, and a spellbook was
just what I needed.  I think I would still like to have an instructor,
though.  There are many things that I have questions about.

Vetchways, year nine, day 288 (Thursday, June 15)

	Perhaps there is magic in my healing, after all.  If there were
not, why would being on the Disc have improved my healing abilities as
much as it did?  Obviously, I was making some use of the magical energies
there, despite the block in my mind.  Riftvan isn't sure quite how,
though, it not being his favorite subject, and I know less than him, so... 
I don't suppose it really matters, so long as it works.  It makes me feel
a little better, though.  I've spent too long thinking of it as magic to
want to give up on the idea entirely.  I wonder if I would have broken
through the block on my own, in time?  Perhaps, but I'm glad I didn't have
to wait.

Vetchways, year nine, day 290 (Saturday, June 17)

	The exam turned up no problems.  I didn't think it would, but,
it's nice to be sure.  I think I'm going to work on coming up with a spell
that can monitor the baby's health.  I've been thinking that I need some
sort of diagnostic spell, anyway, and this is along the same lines.  It
would make me feel a little less nervous about this pregnancy.  I know
Haris turned out all right, but the Pattern was still off then.  Kimdyl
survived, though, and if she could manage it, I really shouldn't have
anything to fear.  Even if this baby did receive a double exposure to the
Pattern energy, that shouldn't make that much of a difference.  But still,
I'd feel better if I could keep an eye on things.

Amber, year nine, day 291 (Sunday, June 18)

Morning

	Ahab refuses to end Jalana's betrothal to Caine.  At least he has
promised that he will not force her to go through with it, if she doesn't
wish to, but I still hate it.  I suppose it was too much to hope that Ahab
would undo all that Oberon had done.  Damn.  I wonder if I'll ever feel
comfortable about bringing the children here again?  Perhaps someday.

	Other than that, it was good to talk to Ahab again, if a bit
disconcerting.  Sometimes, if I could overlook his much shorter hair, it
was as if he never left.  Other times, well, people change in 30 years,
and Ahab is no exception.  Some of it is doubtless due to his new
position, but much of it I think he simply owes to his experiences while
he was gone.  He actually seemed favorably disposed towards my dinner
invitation, assuming our respective spouses agree.  There was a time, not
so long ago, when he would not have been so agreeable about anything where
Riftvan was involved.  I wonder if his heart has softened towards Arthur
at all?  One can only hope.

Vetchways

Afternoon

	Mother was delighted to hear the news about Ahab restoring her
titles, and is packing to return to Amber.  I will miss her, but I'm glad
that she no longer feels bound to remain in Chaos, when she so obviously
wanted to be in Amber.  Somehow I doubt Fenar is going to move to Amber to
be with her, so, for all intents and purposes, she should be rid of that
awful man.  Thank the gods.

Amber, year nine, day 292 (Monday, June 19)

	Damn Felix, anyway!  Why can't he leave Tamaryn in peace?  His
indecision is tearing her apart.  Every time she tries to move on, he does
something to give her hope, only to have her hopes dashed.  I can't stand
to see her this way.  Why can't he make up his mind, and just leave her
alone until then?  She deserves so much better than this.

Amber, year nine, day 293 (Tuesday, June 20)

	Perhaps there is yet hope for them.  At least Felix seems to have
finally realized how much he's hurting Tamaryn.  He says he wants to start
over with her.  I think that will be the wisest course, if only he can
hold to it, and stop dredging up the past.  You cannot build a
relationship if you are still blaming the other person for past wrongs. 
Eral knows, I could never have remained with Riftvan if I hadn't forgiven
him.  I hope that Felix understands that now.

Vetchways, year nine, day 294 (Wednesday, June 21)

Afternoon

	So much pain.  So much grief.  How did he manage to hold it inside
of him for so long?  Almost two millennia of feeling such loss, such
loneliness...  Finally, he is able to mourn her.  In my wildest dreams, I
didn't expect this to happen so soon.  I look at him now, with no idea
what tomorrow will bring, only that he has changed for the better.  I wish
he had not required that promise of me, though.  It is silly, but I fear
that now that I must live on if he dies, he is somehow more likely to do
so.  And I could not bear to lose him, now more than ever.