Amber, year nine, day 265 continued

	I can't believe I almost slept through the meeting.  I was just so
tired...  As it was, I barely made it in on time.  Julian was not happy to
see Shard.  I feel so badly for him.  To be rejected in such a manner by
your own father...  It must hurt so very much.  It isn't right.

	It was so strange to see Ahab's children, all grown-up.  His
daughter wasn't even born yesterday.  I hate fast Shadows, sometimes. 
Even Fiona seems to have been passing time in one, of late, judging by how
much she's showing.  I should talk to her about this block Brand left in
my mind, but not until things have settled a bit.  I certainly won't be
getting Brand's help, not if he's working with Dara.

Vetchways

	Well, at least Riftvan returned long enough to tell me he'd be
gone for a while, so I got to give him a proper goodbye.  He admitted that
it's related to what happened to Oberon, which has me worried.  He must
have been sent after Dara.  Gods, please protect him.  I shall not rest
easy until he has returned safely.

Afternoon

	Mother called me Ariana, something I never thought I'd convince
her to do.  I feel somewhat badly about it, but it's not my fault that she
didn't leave a name tag when she abandoned me.  I just can't think of
Mercedes as my name.  I wish there was something I could do to help her,
though.  She's so terribly unhappy.  Apparently Fenar has decided that the
way to ensure that he doesn't hurt her is to ignore her completely.  She
feels so lonely, and she obviously misses Amber.  I've invited her to drop
by whenever she wishes.  Vetchways in not Amber, but at least she can do
as she pleases here.  Thank the gods that I am married to someone I love,
and who loves me.

	I think it's time to teach Jalana a trick or two to use against
her brothers.  They're getting in the habit of ganging up on her, and I
don't want her to always need me to protect herself from them.  It is a
bit earlier than I had planned to begin such instruction, but I suppose
there are some things you are never too young to learn.  The boys will no
doubt be unhappy, but they brought this upon themselves.  I wonder how the
dynamic would have worked had Shannon and Vincent not come along?  I do
hope this child is a girl, to even out the ratio a bit.

	Lavender and I will be sparring no more, since she has decided
that she would rather learn from Nicholas.  I know she is doing it as an
excuse for Nicholas to be around Beauty, but I feel hurt all the same. 
She said it would be several months, which means I shall not be sparring
with her until after the child is born.  I will miss it.  I suppose I
should offer congratulations to her on her pregnancy.  I do not understand
why she would want another child so soon.  Haris is scarcely 3 months old. 
I wonder if she knows what she's getting into?

	Whoever took out Dara, you have my thanks and gratitude.  In my
wildest dreams, I didn't expect Riftvan to be back this soon.  Maybe now
things will settle down, at least for a little while.

Amber, year nine, day 266 (Wednesday, May 24)

Morning

	I'm worried about Tamaryn.  She just seems so listless lately. 
She spent so much time focused on freeing Foster from the House, that now
she just doesn't know what to do with herself.  I had been hoping that I
could give her something to focus on by teaching her my healing magic, but
she already knows how to heal with shapeshifting, which is what my magic
really is, in the end.  Ha, I still call it magic.  That's going to take
some getting used to.  I just wish I could think of something for her to
do, something for her to focus on.  I felt that way once, after all the
mess from Patternfall died down.  I dealt with it by focusing on getting
an education, intending to do some exploring afterwards.  Then I met
Riftvan (well, re-met him), and he and the children have been my focus
ever since.  I sometimes think things were simpler before then, but I
forget how uncertain they were as well.  I am happier now, despite the
hardships.  But looking at my own solution doesn't help me with Tamaryn at
all.  I'm sure she'd love to get married and have a family.  It would
definitely give her something to focus on.  But the only person she seems
interested in is Felix, and he's just too commitment shy to get involved
with her that way.  Not to mention their past history.  I know, perhaps
better than most, how difficult it is to get over that sort of thing. 
This would be easier if I had some sort of idea of what she liked to do in
the first place, other than climbing trees.  Then I might be able to think
of something she could learn, or do, to replace the focus she lost.  Maybe
she could spend some time exploring Shadow.  I doubt she's had a lot of
time to do that.  On the other hand, she spend so long locked up in a
Shadow, that maybe she has no interest in spending anymore time in them.

Afternoon

	Tamaryn seems to have liked the idea of spending some time in
Shadow, so much so that she's leaving tomorrow morning.  I hope she finds
what she's looking for out there.  Gods, I wish she and Riftvan would
reconcile.  It would be nice to have someone around here to talk to,
especially when Riftvan's out running "errands."  I find I'm enjoying
Mother's visit more than I expected, for just that reason.  It gets lonely
here when Riftvan's gone, and I can't keep running off to Amber when that
happens.  It isn't fair to the children.  I hope Mother can stay for a
while.  Why do the people I care about have to be so unhappy?  At least
Lavender seems to be enjoying her life, once she decided that she really
did love Foster, after all.  And Ahab seems to be thriving in his new role
as King.  But Felix, Shard, Tamaryn and Mother are all suffering in one
way or another.  Sometimes I wonder how I was lucky enough to be so happy.

Vetchways

Evening

	I don't suppose I expected him to react any differently to the
news, but I had been hoping.  He says these things take time.  How much
time?  A month?  A year?  A decade?  Longer?  I don't know how Tamaryn
finds the patience.  Riftvan assumes me that I will find the same patience
when I get older.  Perhaps I will.  But until then, I find the difference
in our views to be frustrating.  Riftvan sees everything in the long-term,
while I feel everything immediately.  Like Jalana's betrothal.  For him,
it will not be a concern for another 35 years, and I doubt he loses any
sleep over it.  For me, it tears me up just to think about it, and I don't
think that's ever going to change.

Vetchways, year nine, day 267 (Thursday, May 25)

Morning

	I said goodbye to Tamaryn this morning.  I hope she will be all
right.  At least she has the Trumps I gave her, in case something goes
wrong.  Assuming she is able to use them in time.  My, I'm in a morbid
mood this morning.  Tamaryn did seem more excited this morning than she
has been of late, though.  I hope she is happy when she returns.  I'm
going to miss her.

Afternoon

	Riftvan seems much amused by what I've been teaching Jalana.  He
even showed her a few tricks of his own.  The boys just don't know what to
make of this.  Riftvan figures the sooner they learn that women are
dangerous, the better off they'll be.  I think he also just has a soft
spot for Jalana, but he'll never admit it.

	I still can't get what Ahab said out of my head.  "Those with
informant networks, that is to say, all of you..."  He just assumed that
we all head such things in place, and I'd guess that most of my relatives
do.  I've never really felt the need for one before, but...  I know
Riftvan has a network far better than anything that I could ever build,
but I only know what he chooses to share with me from it, and what if
something happens to him?  Besides, now that I no longer reside in Amber,
it's much harder to keep up with what's happening there.  If I had some
kind of information network in place, it would certainly solve that
problem.  Of course, I don't have the faintest idea how one goes about
setting up such a network.  Perhaps I can convince Riftvan to give me a
few pointers.

Vetchways, year nine, day 268 (Friday, May 26)

Morning

	I can't take this any longer.  I've gotten used to having someone
to spar with in the mornings, and I feel odd not doing so.  Perhaps
Nicholas and Laughter would be willing to let me join them.  I'm curious
to see how much the boy has improved.  No, the man, he's not a boy any
longer, even if he was only yesterday.  I really hate fast Shadows.

Evening

	Usires is having his ax modified so that the blade is Takaran.  I
don't think he fully understands the ramifications of this.  I suppose he
is at less risk then I would be, since he's unlikely to travel to Chaos,
and even if he does, they are unlikely to actually remove his hand, due to
the diplomatic incident that would result.  I have no such protection.  I
showed him the dagger I possess, but he sensed nothing unusual about it.
Am I so sensitive to it due to my odd shapeshifting power, my strength of
mind, or something else altogether?  It can't be just me who notices this
- Riftvan indicated carrying such a blade took getting used to, which
implies he can feel something unpleasant as well.  I suppose eventually I
would learn to ignore it, as I am slowly learning to ignore the proximity
of the Logrus.  I think it would be much more difficult, though.  My
reaction to the Logrus is primarily a feeling of nausea.  What I feel from
Takaran blades goes far beyond that.  I wish I could explain it better.

Vetchways, year nine, day 269 (Saturday, May 27)

Afternoon

	Mother seems to be doing better, at least while she is here.  I
hope she can stay for a while.  I don't want her going back to Borgeways,
where she's so alone.  The kids enjoy having her around, of course, since
she's much like a kid herself.  She's also been giving me some help with
my conjuration.  There seems little point in waiting for Driscoll, after
all.  It's been so long for him, that he probably doesn't even remember me
saying I was ready for my second lesson.  It's just as well, in the end. 
I think it's good for me to see the differences in style that exist.  I
should get a lesson or two from Riftvan someday, to give me yet another
perspective.  There's still so much I have to learn.  I'm getting faster,
but not any better in terms of what I can conjure.  I suppose I just need
more practice.  I've been trying practice conjuring useful things, like
weapons or food.  Mother's been lending a hand with the latter, or at
least trying to.  She still puts too much sugar in her food for my taste,
though.

Evening

	Usires still seems rather curious about the Takaran dagger I
showed him.  He asked me today how I happened to obtain one.  A natural
question, to be sure.  I told him that it found its way into my
possession.  Which is the truth, even if he didn't believe me.  Not the
whole truth, of course, but I could hardly admit that my husband gave it
to me after he used it to kill someone, so I could hide it for him. 
Still, sometimes it scares me how easily such half-truths come to mind. 
Usires asked me to share with him how the dagger makes me feel.  I did my
best, but he still didn't seem to sense the same wrongness that I do, even
though I shared my feelings with him directly.  I do not understand why
this is so.  Maybe you must be a shapeshifter, or have whatever odd
combination of it that I do, in order to be disturbed by it.  I think
Usires found the method of sharing the feeling far more disturbing than
the feeling itself.  He still suffers the effects of being raised in
Shadow.  In a way, I look at him and see something of how I was, when I
first came to Amber.  I suggested that he might find getting an education
in Shadow to be helpful, since it did me a world of good.  He seemed a bit
reluctant about the it.  Well, at least the idea is there, should he ever
change his mind.

Vetchways, year nine, day 270 (Sunday, May 28)

Evening

	Because of the length of time that the block has been in place,
Fiona cannot remove it without possibly damaging my mind.  Specifically my
memories.  My only other choice is to find Brand and have him remove it,
without making things worse instead.  Damn Riftvan.  This is all his
fault.  If he'd told me of the block when he first found it, maybe Fiona
could have removed it.  It would serve him right if I did have Fiona take
it out, and I forgot all about him.  But I don't ever want to forget about
him, or the children.  They are my life, after all.

	I can't believe he's gone after Brand.  I suppose I could have
stopped him, but he seemed so excited about it.  I hope my life never
becomes so boring that I need to consider going after Brand in order to
make it exciting again.  No, that's not fair.  I don't think he's bored
with me or the children.  He's just lived for so long, that there is
little that is truly challenging for him anymore.  So how could I ask him
not to undertake something that obviously got his adrenaline going?  I
just hope he's careful.  I want this block removed a great deal, but not
at the price of losing him.

Foil, year nine, day 271 (Monday, May 29)

Morning

	Nicholas appears to have made good use of his time with Ariadne. 
Yet another family member who has surpassed me.  It didn't hurt as much
this time, but it still bothers me a bit.  What surprises me is that I
still seem to be stronger than him.  Me, of all people.  It provides a
small bit of comfort to me, silly though it is.

Vetchways

Afternoon

	That was unexpected.  Of course Ahab would assume that Riftvan was
behind an assassination that occurred on the same day as Lavender's
wedding.  At least I managed to make him understand the circumstances of
that particular event.  The last thing I want is for Ahab and Riftvan to
be at odds again, any more than they normally are.