Amber, year nine, day 264 continued

	I must admit that some of my dance partners have been rather
unexpected.  Especially Jordan.  It felt strange indeed to be dancing with
Heather's son.  I wonder why he chose me?  Curiosity?  Or just the desire
to learn about Amber from someone other than his sister and parents?  I
think he wanted to know something specific about Amber, but he never
brought it up.  Still, I'd say it was an even exchange, given that I had
questions about Chaos as well.  And he is a fine dancer.  As all of my
partners have been, fortunately.  I like Rinaldo's style the best, though.
I've always been fond of spins and dips, and he does them marvelously.  I
still wish Riftvan could be here, but I'm having a pretty good time,
anyway.  Almost enough to make me forget about the Takaran blade I hold.
Almost.

	It would seem that Felix has seen fit to inform Lavender of her
error in forcing Riftvan's attendance.  Well, at least she made it through
half of the reception happily oblivious.  I wish Felix had held his
tongue.  There's nothing that can be done at this point, so why give
Lavender any unhappy memories of this occasion?  Now she seems to think
that Riftvan was sent to kill Oberon and the others who left while we were
en route to the reception.  While I have a great deal of respect for my
husband's abilities, I suspect that even he would have difficulty against
those four.  No, I am quite confident that he has nothing to do with their
disappearance.  I have held his Takaran blade since before Oberon and the
others left, and he must have acted already.  If his target was at the
wedding, it would be foolish of him to wait until after he went through
the receiving line, when his presence at the wedding became known.  Of
course, I cannot exactly quiet Lavender's fears by sharing this with her.
That would be a lovely conversation.  "Do not worry, Lavender, I'm sure
Riftvan didn't harm any of them, since he already gave me the murder
weapon before they left."  No, I don't think so.  Why did Riftvan give the
blade to me, anyway?  Was he going someplace where its presence would be
noted?  Or was this some kind of test?  I could not hazard a guess.  I
just want to be rid of it.

	Chameleon's apology was not received very well by Gramble.  Good.
I know Riftvan thinks that he was acting under someone else's orders, and
that he thought he was dealing with Shadows, which are insignificant to
most people, but still...  If it wasn't for him, Beauty and Caitt wouldn't
have spent all those years in solitude.  And Uma would not be dead, nor
would the people who were killed when he kidnapped Caitt and Beauty, or
that poor, innocent child who was sacrificed to make the gate between Foil
and Dexter.  None of what he did can be easily forgiven.  Especially not
his near-rape of Lavender, which could not have been done at anyone's
orders, seeing as how he could not have anticipated the Jewel's sundering,
nor that it would deposit her near him.  Still, I must tell Lavender of
the possible reasons behind his actions, if only so she can be forewarned
against a similar attack.

	I should not have mentioned her father.  But when Tamaryn said she
wasn't a philosopher, she sounded just like Riftvan, not so long ago.  It
tears me up to see how badly she feels about this, and to know that if
only they could say to each other what they admit to me, then maybe they
could finally resolve this estrangement that has been going on for so
long.  But Riftvan needs to get over his anger before this can happen, and
I fear that Lavender forcing his attendance has only acerbated the
situation.  I wish I had Tamaryn's patience.  And I wish she was happier
here.  Damn, why can't Felix make up his mind?  I think she would like to
be with him, but if it is not to be, then he needs to tell her, so she can
move on.  At least she still seems interested in learning healing magic.
That should give her something to occupy herself with, for a little while.

	I didn't originally intend to tell her about my soul, although I'm
glad I did, now.  I was afraid that she would be upset, or offended, but
she didn't even seem surprised.  I suppose all the questions I asked
leading up to it were a bit of a giveaway.  I wish I could remember
something from Loryn's life.  Maybe then this wouldn't seem so strange to
me.  And it would be nice to know what Riftvan used to be like back then,
and to have some idea of what he sees when he looks at me.

	They left Darby behind again.  How can they forget their own child
like that?  I suppose I can understand it in Bart's case, since he only
recently seems to have taken on responsibility for the boy, but Lyss is
the poor child's mother.  Does he occupy her thoughts so infrequently that
she can't even be bothered to remember where he is?  Someone needs to have
a talk with her.  It should be Ahab, but somehow I just don't see that
happening.  Maybe Bart can come up with a spell to let Lyss know when
she's forgetting Darby.  Like a good electrical jolt.

Vetchways

	It seems that I was right about the weapon Riftvan gave me.  It
has been used, and none too carefully cleaned afterwards.  Which, I
suppose, explains why he gave it to me.  Wherever he was going, I doubt he
would have wanted to be carrying a bloody dagger which has but one
purpose.  I cleaned it off, of course.  If only my misgivings washed away
so easily.  I have accepted what he does, but I still do not especially
like it.  I don't know if that will ever change, and I don't think I want
it to.  Nor am I certain any longer that I wish to possess such a blade,
now that I have held one.  It feels wrong.  Disturbingly so.  There is no
other way to describe it.  Its magic seems to be the exact opposite of my
own, and my magic is very much a part of me.  But it is the only weapon I
know of capable of harming shapeshifters, other than a Pattern blade.  I
suppose I could always ask Ahab to make one of those for me, but it would
probably require some of my life-force, the way that Alastor and my armor
did.  And I have lost that piece of me to Shard far too recently to feel
comfortable with losing any more.  Perhaps at a later date.  In the
meantime, I left the dagger on Riftvan's pillow.  He may make what he
wills of it upon his return.

Vetchways, year nine, day 265 (Tuesday, May 23, 2994)

Morning

	Riftvan still has not returned.  I know I shouldn't worry, but I
am, nonetheless.  I just wish I knew that he was all right.  Maybe he's
just off waiting for his anger to fade, like he did after the fight with
Tamaryn.  I hope that is not it.  I am his wife.  He should be able to
talk to me, instead of running off alone.

Amber

	Riftvan was right.  Oberon is dead, or so close as makes no
difference, and my efforts to heal him were in vain.  I was only able to
have the slightest effect before I lost consciousness.  The next thing I
knew, Lavender was shaking me through a haze of exhaustion.  The rest is
kind of blurry.  I recall Lavender bringing Fiona through to place Oberon
in stasis, in much the same manner as she did Riftvan, that one time.  I
think at one point Lavender suggested that I use someone else's energy to
power my spells, and offered Ahab as the perfect battery.  I was not
willing to try something so untested on the next in line for the throne,
not with Oberon's condition so grave.  I did bring him through, though.
He has changed since I last saw him.  His hair, and to a subtler extent,
his attitude.  I guess he took his family into Shadow, after all.  I
wonder how long he was gone?  It wasn't the time to ask.  He took charge
of things, while I just found a chair and collapsed in it.  G
rard is dealing with the other injured.  I wish I could help them, but I
have no strength in me right now.

Somewhere in Shadow

	My body is definitely not happy with me for ill-using it so this
morning.  I thought I was done with throwing up for the rest of this
pregnancy.  No such luck.  Foster appears to have sent me to the Shadow
where he and Lavender spent the rest of her pregnancy.  The forest is as
lovely as I remembered.  If only I were not too tired to fully appreciate
it.

Amber

	That turned out to be easier than I had been expecting.  I suppose
I could have fetched Driscoll alone, and without resting in Foster's
Shadow beforehand, but it's better to be prepared for the worst and not
face it, than face it unprepared.  Judging by what Ironclaw said, and
Eris' appearance, it would seem that Driscoll finally did what I thought
he needed to do - live away from Lavender until he dealt with the fact
that he's lost her.  And he seems to have settled things with his
daughter, at least tentatively.  Mercury survives as well, which gladdened
my heart, despite its relative insignificance to what's happening right
now.  I hope he has found another rider by now.  It's a pity it couldn't
have been me.

	So many people changing so quickly.  I do not like that aspect of
Shadow.  Lavender disappears one night, barely a month pregnant, and
returns the next day with a three-month old baby.  Driscoll and Eris have
aged ten years.  Gods only know how long Ahab was gone.  Sometimes I feel
like I'm the only person not running off into Shadow and getting older.

	I'm tired again, but at least this time I accomplished something.
Bleys and Caine are healed and, thanks to Tamaryn, I have the answer to a
question that has plagued me for over five years.  Why was I unable to
learn Faerie magic?  Because I cannot learn any magic.  Because someone,
within the last decade, planted a block in my mind that prevents me from
doing so.  And that someone was most likely Brand.  There are three
possibilities for when: either as part of the initial spell, when he
kidnapped me and sold me to that demon, or when he removed the spell.  The
latter seems unlikely, though.  Why plant it later, when he had the
opportunity earlier?  I suppose the only way to verify it would be to
learn if Driscoll and Felix have similar blocks.  It is possible - neither
of them have shown any magical abilities to my knowledge.  I wish I
understood why, though.  None of us knew sorcery at that time, nor had any
desire to learn it.  Why act to prevent something that would occur far in
the future, if at all?  I don't know.  It makes no sense.  Perhaps it was
simply paranoia.  The important question is, how do I get rid of it?  It
will require the one who laid it, or someone more skilled.  If Brand is
indeed the one responsible for this, my options are rather limited.  Bleys
or Fiona are the only ones I can think of from my family who might be able
to help.  If they were willing.  If I can trust them not to exchange
Brand's gift for one of their own, and not to go rummaging through my mind
while they are in there.  I have no secrets of my own, but there are
confidences of others that I wish to keep that way.  Maybe Riftvan knows
of someone.  I wonder why he never noticed the block, anyway?  It was the
first thing Tamaryn thought to check when she heard of my difficulty.  And
Riftvan's been inside my mind more than anyone else.  How could he have
missed this?  Or did he?  It wouldn't surprise me to learn that he's known
all along, but never told me of it.  Tamaryn thinks that perhaps he
couldn't help me, and didn't want me to be troubled by it.  I think I
would rather have known.  All those years, thinking there was something
wrong with me, that I must be incredibly stupid not to be able to do learn
magic...  And all the time, it was just a mental block.

	This also means that my magic isn't really magic after all.  I'll
admit, that disappoints me.  It is rather vain of me, but I rather liked
the fact that I seemed to have invented a new form of magic.  Only now it
turns out to just be a combination of shapeshifting and conjury.  Anyone
could have done it.  Even worse, if what I do is not magical in nature,
then how can I help Shard?  I can't.  Much as I hate to admit it to
myself, I do not think there is a chance of his ever becoming human again.
He will remain a vampire until the day he dies.  Again.  It's so unfair.
I suppose we should be thankful that no one else in Bart's ill-fated
rescue party suffered his fate, but that doesn't make what happened to him
any less tragic.  At least Ahab seems willing to allow him to remain part
of the family.  I think, if he is to remain close to the man he used to
be, he needs to feel that he has friends, that he isn't alone.  But it
isn't easy.  Especially for me.  I still feel that attraction to him,
every time I'm in his presence.  I keep hoping it will fade, but...  Maybe
there just needs to be more time.  I pray that's all that's necessary.

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